NHS Relaunch Goes Well

LONDON - England - David Cameron's relaunch of the NHS is going extremely well, the Coalition government disclosed on Monday.

Speaking from the House of Commons, PM, Cameron reiterated the great strides forward in relaunching a re-vamped NHS.

“We’re getting a lot more staff resigning in disgust, patients being operated on in the corridors, and don’t forget, those are the one’s that even get a f*cking bed,” Mr Cameron said to jeers from the rest of the House.

The new relaunch includes taking out huge swathes of funding, sacking thousands of essential staff and denying millions of people crucial medication.

The NHS is such a safe bet for suicidal patients that many travel from all over the country to come to a quick end.

“Who needs to travel to Switzerland’s DIGNITAS? I’ve had friends check into an NHS hospital and expire within a few minutes. Either through catching some untreatable virus or being administered by a doctor from some shit-hole country with zero qualifications and unable to speak a word of English,” Robin Taser, 45, an NHS patient who recently went into hospital to have his appendix removed but had his kidney taken out and leg amputated instead.

It’s a good thing the Americans want to model their health system on the UK’s with ObamaCare. They can see what we have to suffer through on a daily basis. The key words therefore, if you live in the UK are: “Don’t ever get ill!”