17.7 C
London
Sunday, November 1, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 643

Why You’ve Got to Do Your Job Well So You can Pay Other Peoples’ Benefits

0

“You’re not working hard enough. You need to do longer hours for less pay so that the habitual benefits families around Britain can enjoy a luxurious lifestyle with their 3D TVs at your expense,” Nigel Ramley, a government spokesman for the Work Harder For Others initiative told the BBC.

As Tax Freedom Day gets further and further back every year, soon workers may find themselves celebrating it on New Year’s Eve.

“I want to make thousands of pounds and work for others to benefit from my work. It is my responsibility to work and have the majority of my salary taken from me and given to people who refuse to work,” a man from Putney, West London said as he started another gruelling work day at a Law firm in the City.

As the radio buzzes away in the background, do listen to the government public service announcements on a permanent loop telling you about the importance of working in a job so that you can pay the benefits and NHS bills of millions of other people every year of your working life.

“Off the record, It’s good to work, but remember to find a tax haven when you really start making money, otherwise you might as well not be working,” a specialist and very expensive accountant revealed.

 

TSA to Replace X-Ray Scanners With Man in Booth

0

“We will be replacing the intrusive x-ray scanners at airports because they were deemed unconstitutional and invaded peoples’ private parts. Instead we are rolling out our new booths. This will be a blacked out red booth with two holes in it. There will be a TSA guy on the other side and he will not be able to see who he is groping when he puts his hands through the holes in the wall. We call it the TSA Glory Hole Wall. Don’t worry folks, you will not be able to see the identity of the TSA man whilst he puts his hands all over you or under your clothes. Thank you for your cooperation and have a safe journey now,” Ed Waszinski, one of the TSA spokesmen revealed at a press conference today.

There were mixed feelings about the new TSA red booth checking zones from passengers as one woman who had her breasts fondled and cupped said she heard groaning on the other side of the booth.

“They told me to go in there so I complied. Then as the TSA guy’s hands came through the holes it was all dark. I think I heard a groaning sound as the sick pervert got to work. To my knowledge, he didn’t even use gloves. Must have been in the booth for twenty minutes,” Angela Street, 23, a college sophomore from New Jersey revealed.

Remember folks, this is all for your own safety.

UK Drivers to be Fined £600 For Driving on Roads

6

“If you drive your car on the road, you will be liable for a fine and that’s on top of the Road Tax and motor insurance. We’ve had enough of you’se lot,” the Department of Transport minister, Donnie Dravmacah revealed at a Commons meeting today.

Under the new legislation which will come into law next week, all motorists will be fined a minimum of £600 if the tires of their vehicle touches a road surface anywhere in the UK. Extra police have been recruited to police the new law.

The fines could escalate disproportionally and could make things worse for hard-up Britons who are already struggling with the rising costs of every day living.

New Reality Show “I’m a Hate Cleric You Can’t Get Me Out of Here”

“We put six Islamist hate clerics in a £3 million taxpayer funded home in Kensington where they are given every luxury they want at the expense of the British taxpayer. The aim of the show is to simply stay in the house and carry on spouting hateful rhetoric against the West. Naturally there will be a camera in every room and little creative games for the Hate Clerics to play like “avoid the extradition order”.

Day Four Hundred and Sixty Five

The six Hate Clerics will all have a team of lawyers on hand at all times racking up vast bills for the British taxpayer.

“After doing the first episode of the show I actually got offers from Brussels as a spokesman for Hate Cleric rights. I turned it down however as the expenses package was not good enough. I prefer to stay in the UK and live the life of Riley,” Abu Hamid, a celebrated Hate Cleric from Bolton said from his luxurious room in the reality show house.

Ant and Dec were said to be delighted to be presenting another multi-million pound show but are seriously scared of the contestants.

Endemol, who created the reality show have said that test screenings were positive with the show format being adapted to regions all over the world.

Michael Douglas: “Why Eating Out Can Be Dangerous”

0

“You know I used to do it all the time. Breakfast, lunch and dinner, and maybe a midnight snack here or there. It’s dangerous though because eventually I caught something, and boom had to have surgery on my throat,” the actor told GQ magazine in his most recent interview.

Doctor Emile Schopenhauser has also corroborated Douglas’ fear of eating out at seafood restaurants.

“Sometimes it’s like chicken, sometimes it’s like seafood, plus you don’t know what it was swimming in before. Like there could be contamination from other sources, so gentlemen and some ladies, when you’re eating out your next seafood platter please ask that it has been cleaned first, or better still forego the hors d’oevres and just proceed to the main course. Please remember to be careful there too.”

How Simon Cowell Creations Are Dominating Music Charts

“He saved the Biz. Without Simon Cowell, there would still be people out there actually singing songs,” Bobby Guccione, a former A&R man at Arista Records told Music Week magazine.

Cowell was recently in the UK to promote his latest talent D4NNY.

“This some deep shit. When I heard this song I knew the deep message was there. Anyone who hears this song will not be able to get it out of their heads for at least a day. That’s what I’m looking for in an autotune song however terrible or bad it is,” Cowell said.

The song has already leaped to Number 1 in the charts and sold a massive 23 records which is the requirement to get to Number 1 position these days.

 

Without Cowell’s influence the songs in the charts would now not be delivered solely with autotune. This is a remarkable achievement in music software promotion and has truly dominated all genres of music.

“There’s only one genre of music now. Crap. And I’ve made millions from that,” Cowell said from his multi-million pound yacht in Montecarlo.

EDL Trip to Africa Cancelled This Year

0

“The trip is one of the requirements for joining our racist organisation. We like to have an expedition every year to see where humans originated from. You see we all came from Africa, and we as humans are all the same really irrespective of colour or creed. Even though the EDL is racist to the bone, we know deep down that over thousands of years of human migration and breeding our skin tones adapted to our surroundings. As for England, most English people are descended from the Normans and I think we’re all kind of French, with a little bit of German, Spanish, Dutch, Viking and all sorts. Even our Royal family is from the German, Saxe-Coburg Gotha and Hanover House, ” Lee Jagger, the EDL spokesman told the BBC.

Looks like EDL members will have to wait for next year for their educational trip. Until then they will have to content themselves by scowling and grimacing at demonstrations and vowing to “kill all non-whites and muzzies in England”.

No.10 Rocked by Secret Love Affair

0

“This could have serious repercussions for the whole country and not only that the partners of the people involved in the secret love affair,” a Downing Street insider revealed.

Many in the country already had an inkling about the special relationship and on social networks tongues were buzzing about the torrid love/hate relationship.

“Why’s Dave so into gay marriage?” one twitter user asked.

Another social networker said: “I know who they are but I’m not telling, but here’s a clue, one of them like’s to cry a lot and the other one’s mouth resembles an arse because the amount of bull shit that comes out of it.”

Will Smith and Son Battle CGI Monsters For Three and a Half Long Hours

“Watching this movie is like getting a dianetics lobotomy in a room with a big blue screen behind you,” someone who walked out of the movie early revealed.

The latest blockbuster Will Smith film will have you on the edge of your seat for nearly four hours as you choke back the tears from your f*cking eyes in disbelief that you have been conned so badly into paying to watch it.

A film executive behind the film said: “That’s part of the joy of this movie, because we filmed it all on a computer at minimal cost and took your money so we can live the high life with sh*t loads of amazing broads and coke. We hope you enjoy the movie as much as we enjoyed it.”

Scottish Scientists Invent the Secret to Immortality

0

“We don’t believe in cryogenic freezing because that’s a little too complicated and a wee bit expensive. Our solution is very simple. We batter you. We’re not talking about the usual violence, we mean we coat your entire body in batter much like one of our staple foods, the battered mars bar, and we find this preservation technique is almost as effective in preserving humans as any other modern scientific method,” Angus McMumford, chief scientist at Larry’s Fish Fry shop in central Glasgow demonstrated on Saturday.

Hundreds of people are now flocking to the Glasgow Batter Hibernian (GBH) research centre to be battered and preserved for the next few centuries.

One man who went up to Scotland recently got something he did not plan on.

“I went to Glasgow and asked if I could be battered. Look at my eye sockets and bloody nose,” Nigel Farage, the English leader of UKIP told the Daily Mail.