“This shoehorn is symbolic of my current status as Arsenal manager. They’re going to need a very big one to get me out of this job I’m failing in. Hey, at least I bought a shoehorn, eh, as for good players for the team that’s another matter,” the once great manager said before getting in his chauffeur driven limousine.
Next week, the tight fisted Arsenal manager wants to buy a matchbox, to symbolise the club’s trophy cabinet.
“The Greeks need a third bailout? Let us just take tonnes of German taxpayers’ money and dump it in the ocean somewhere. That is what the equivalent would be to this terrible situation and ultimate humiliation. We, the German taxpayers, who work damn hard every day, are working for absolutely nothing. Literally billions of euros are repatriated to prop up Greece every few months. Third bailout, fourth bailout, fifth bailout, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth bailout ad infinitum. This is not a Greek nightmare but a German one,” Hans Hoffer, a business owner from Hamburg told Der Spiegel.
As the trucks roll out of Germany laden with euros, the Germans will line the streets waving goodbye to their hard work.
“You see that truck, that’s years of my hard work going to Greece so that they can spend it on swimming pools and home extensions. Auf Wiedersehen, we will never see you again,” one of the tearful humiliated Germans lining the route told reporters.
“One minute they were sipping their lattes, tapping away at their laptops, the next, there was just rubble and smoke,” a witness to the hellfire missile attack told reporters.
Operation Grauniad has been going on for sometime and is a well coordinated operation to erradicate journalists (terrorists) who oppose the system in any way.
NOTE FROM DAILY SQUIB
We at the Daily Squib have never endorsed investigative journalism at any time and agree fully the program of mass spying on all citizens by the NSA and GCHQ. Privacy and the concept of freedom of speech is not required in today’s society. This notice was not written while under duress or torture..Aaargh aaargh..aaargh………..nkdaj kdj ak cjkd ckjab ckja c c c c cakc c c c cka c c cka c…… …. . . …
“We installed democracy in Iraq by murdering over 1.6 million Iraqis, we are installing democracy in Afghanistan by liquidating half the population there and in Egypt, we have the same mindset of installing democracy by massacring thousands of people in cold blood. We want those backward countries to have the same democracy as we have where your every move, phone call or email is logged and analysed, and where every car journey is tracked and the millions of CCTV cameras as well as drones film you and listen to you in the streets,” President Obama told reporters.
As the blood runs red in Egypt, Syria, Iraq and Afghanistan, this is a sign that democracy is being installed in these nations. It is interesting to note that the little democracy that is left is quickly disappearing in the West, with most of Europe now under control from one central control centre and where mass surveillance of the population is seen as the norm.
Not even George Orwell would have dreamed about how privacy and freedom in the West would be shut down at the levels we have today in the 21st Century prison.
Chief Inspector Poirot of the French police had this to say about the new Metropolitan Police investigation: “Let us examine the motives here, the mother of the two royal princes was cavorting around with a Pakistani surgeon and an Egyptian. Put that into perspective for one second, mes amis. Do you see where I am going here? That is all you need to know. She was about to marry the Egyptian guy and was pregnant with his child, then boom. It was an immaculate cover up afterwards and the International grief was the perfect smokescreen.”
Ritual
It is quite surprising that there would be a police investigation when something as ominous as the Diana death theory could cause major ripples within certain circles.
There is no doubt that whoever thought about such an investigation has either got balls of steel or is very, very stupid.
“If he was regular Muslim we’d spit in his fu**ing face, but because he is officially Britain’s best athlete he’s one of us now, innit,” Kev Smith, an EDL protest march organiser told the BBC.
Most British people did not know that Mo Farah’s real first name was Mohamed and such is the hatred for Muslims in the UK, maybe things would have been very different if he openly called himself by his given name.
“We had to make him shorten his name to ‘Mo’ and his career shot up. If he started athletics with the ‘Mohamed’ name he would not get anywhere in the UK however good he was, it is only now that he may dare to reveal his true name but this may ruin his career as well,” Mr Farah’s agent revealed.
“George always had itchy feet. He just can’t stay put, I mean look at the Iraq war, he had to go and stink up that place. I still get a tear in my eye thinking of the day he ran off, he came back from his painting room and said he was so bored of life. The next day a travelling circus came through town. I never saw him so excited, he was like a little boy again. He just jumped up and ran off. That was last month, I ain’t seen him since,” a distraught Laura Bush recalled today on the Oprah Winfrey Show.
Dr. R.J. Philips a psychologist explained how some retired people long for a life on the road: “Mr Bush is simply living out his youth. He wants some excitement back in his life and a travelling circus will certainly give it to him especially after his post-war excitement years.”
Dick Cheney and Bush’s old pal Rummy were today appealing for their friend to do the right thing and go back home.
“Where’s the justice in that? I feel totally gutted. How could she do that, and to the government?” our distraught sub-sub-editor, Ben Crupt revealed.
As well as crying in the corridor and writing room (toilets) one of our poor writers tried to hang himself in the photocopier room with some toilet paper and was found on the floor after falling and banging his head on a bin overflowing with crumpled up pieces of paper.
Daily Squib staffers were then told to “calm the f*ck down and just go to the pub” by senior management.
The $23 billion deal was sealed last night on the onset of an Egyptian civil war that could leave the pyramids of Giza in piles of rubble.
“It is the best thing for Egypt and a damn good deal for Las Vegas. We’re gonna have authentic pyramids right here in Vegas on the strip. It’s going to attract millions more visitors from all over the world,” Giancarlo Scarlotti, current casino boss at the Royale Palisades told CNN.
Already a team of 2,000 movers have been flown to Egypt, which is embroiled in a deadly civil war between the Obama installed current government and Muslim Brotherhood faction, Morsi.
“We’re just gonna cut each pyramid up into three pieces, then put it all on a tanker and ship ’em to the USA. They should get to Vegas by December just in time for Christmas. Can you imagine the Christmas lights on those things? We might even have a Christmas tree right on the top. The Sphinx needs a goddamn nose job anyway, we’re gonna give it a new nose because it ain’t had one in thousands of years,” Dan Leboutte, one of the team on the project revealed to local news stations in Cairo.
“The presidential dog’s EBT card was missing. It is a crucial piece of equipment strapped to the dog’s back at all times and allows the dog to be fed at any 5 star gourmet restaurant in the world immediately,” one of the 500 odd secret service staff guarding the Obama’s revealed anonymously.
Since Obama was elected, EBT (Electronic Benefit Transfer) cards have spiralled out of control with more than 60% of the U.S. population now using them to get taxpayer funded food.
“It’s basically a good way for Democrats to gain votes. If you take our EBT, we’ll feed you with anything you want. You gotta vote Democrat though because if the Repugnant party gets in, then they’ll take your EBT and tell you to get a job. This is where the U.S. taxpayer money goes — and of course to Bo, the presidential poodle, so keep working those jobs you taxpayer suckers!” an independant observer for the upcoming 2016 election told the Washington Post.
Looks like the United States is going to have another Democrat in office in 2016.
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