“Russian driving is equivalent to downing two bottles of vodka, a handful of Temazepam, a bag of cocaine and 16 cans of Red Bull all at once,” Igor Stansvski, a driver from Moscow revealed.
Russian road deaths are amongst the highest in the world, and soon they’ll be exporting their death rate to our roads as well.
Looks like from now on we’ll all be driving around with dashcams playing crap Russkie electro music and shouting “Blyat!” and “Opa!” at every opportunity.
Alfred Neuhart, a technician working at an experimental laboratory in North Carolina was involved in an industrial incident that could have resulted in a fatality on Sunday night.
According to the scientists working on the ground breaking project, a big box full of lab-grown vaginas which was presumed lost accidentally fell over releasing the little snappers onto the lab floor.
“You would have thought it would be every man’s dream to be attacked by thousands of vaginas, but this turned into a living nightmare for the poor fellow. Neuhart, didn’t have a chance, he slipped on one, then when he fell over, the vaginas jumped him latching on like a vice. We tried to pull a few off, but once these get a grip the muscles start rippling up and down. They even let out a strange ‘cooing’ sound as they alerted their friends they caught something,” professor Miles Feline, the project leader told the BBC.
The technician is currently recovering at a local area hospital in a semi-conscious state.
U.S. Presidential election pundits have been analysing the reaction speed of Hillary Clinton and have some unfavourable words to say about her which could impact on her presidential hopes.
“When it comes to shoes, George W. Bush is the master, he can dodge a shoe thrown from 50 yards at an approximate speed of 60 MPH. Hillary Clinton, on the other hand has some seriously slow reactions. She didn’t even realise someone threw a shoe at her until 4.5 seconds had passed. This is a serious issue, first of all, do you want a female president in charge with the reactions of a sloth? You need to have quick reactions like George W. Bush had, okay he wasn’t the brightest bulb, but he had fast reactions, he didn’t sit around, this guy took action, he invaded without blinking an eye, and you need that for a president,” Arnold B. DeWinters, a Capitol Hill political analyst told the Washington Times.
Some political commentators are putting Hillary Clinton’s awful reaction speed to being a Liberal (American Socialist).
“Liberals don’t act, they’re slow. One minute they say one thing, then they try something else and nothing ever gets done. Republicans see the target, they act and complete what they wanted to do efficiently and with speed. That’s the difference right there, and it shows in the shoe.”
1) How to Dodge Two Shoes
2) How Not to Dodge a Shoe
The wedding of the millennium will take place in Baghdad’s notorious Sunni triangle inside a heavily fortified Bedouin tent this summer, the former prime minister of Britain’s aides have announced to the press.
“We thought, where could the wedding of the millennium be? Of course, the one place that Tony Blair liberated and brought freedom to — Iraq. The wedding will have all guests wearing suitable protective body armour and there will be a phalanx of mercenaries flanking the tent from all sides. Unfortunately, the wedding will not be a public affair as the couple respect their privacy, although photographers from a non-Rupert Murdoch owned publication will be flown in especially for the occasion in a multi-million pound deal,” Janice Applebee, one of Tony Blair’s senior aides revealed.
One Iraqi standing outside the Green Zone quipped: “I suppose what he did to Iraq, he did to that old bastard’s wife. No honour amongst criminals eh?”
Pink Floyd soundtracks are not being played over the PA system as thousands of East German workers get stuck in to the strenuous work of rebuilding the Berlin Wall. Ever since the Russians reclaimed this part of Germany, things have gone back to the good old days of Stasi disappearances and long queues to buy basics like bread and milk.
Gunther Mathias, a carpenter, is glad the wall is being re-built and has been lending a hand wherever he can: “I remember the wall being taken down, it was a very sad day for me because I knew that capitalism, would bring much sorrow and heartache to our previously simple sparse lives. This is why rebuilding the wall will bring back the simple life again. I do not want choices any more, I just want simplicity, and this is why the soviet system works so well. Citizens and comrades, how many types of cheese do we have to have in a supermarket? I would rather queue at a bakery for three hours in the pouring rain because at least that gives me hope of a hopeless future.”
Sadly, Mr Mathias disappeared shortly after the interview because of consorting with Western journalists, he was visited by officers from the Ministerium für Staatssicherheit who took him away in the early hours of the morning in an unmarked van.
It seems that history is one big circle as it repeats over, and over again.
Reeva Steenkamp wanted to leave live wire Pistorius, and he knew that. She called him stumpy, and made him out to be half a man, he lost his temper and shot her when she was taking refuge in the toilet.
People like Pistorius are very driven people, nothing gets in the way of their success, and when Reeva threatened Pistorius’ extreme focus — where he never loses — he snapped.
One must clearly analyse the state of mind of Pistorius, he is a paranoid control freak athlete, and he likes to shoot. When he saw red, he knew the repercussions but thought his story about intruders would make him sail through any court case.
During the trial, Pistorius engaged in a theatrical show to the judge to show remorse for his crime. The more remorse he shows, he hopes the audience will look upon him with favour. He has even employed the prop of a simple bucket to vomit into, this may gain even further sympathy from the judge.
No doubt many men have to put up with the devilish tongue of some women, and what Reeva said to him that night sealed her fate. Most men just eat it up, but Pistorius snapped, and he had a gun.
Who was more stupid? Reeva and her deadly unravelled tongue, or the juvenile uncontrollable actions of a big kid with a gun only used to getting everything his way all the time?
Beyond doubt, Pistorius is guilty of a murder of passion, whether the starry eyed judge (no juries in South Africa since 1969, please see comment below, our writer got a severe rap on the knuckles for that one – Ed.) is allowed to come to that conclusion is another matter, for when it comes to justice there are two types, justice for the famous, and justice for the rest.
This time, justice will come as a shock to Pistorius as he is taken away in a van to a secure prison for a long time.
First of all to invest like Soros or Buffett, you must have a minimum of $500 billion in your account. If you do not have that amount of money, then you can’t achieve the investment targets required.
“When you have a near unlimited margin, you can pretty much buy or sell anywhere on the chart as long as your team of highly paid chartists and researchers think it’s okay. Entry points are not a problem when you can stay in a trade for ten years without even breaking a sweat through all the noise. Warren Buffett says buy and hold, yes, but only if you can afford it. George Soros says buy in a bubble, yes only if you can afford it. In other words, to make billions, one must first start off with billions, anything less is doomed to failure. Remember, the fundamental point about the big boys is that they do not think about money. If you have to think about money, then you lose, that’s the difference between them and the majority,” Donald Franken, an investment banker at Banque de Societal told the Financial Times.
Keys to Making Billions
1) You must have a minimum of $500 billion in the bank before investing
2) Employ the best researchers and programmers
3) Avoid paying tax at all costs utilising offshore accounts
4) Lobby powerful politicians, presidents.
5) Give some money to good causes, be seen as a philanthropist
6) Have a direct line to the dark side for that special insider info..shhh
Experts in societal eugenics are not as intrigued as the common lay person on the phenomenon sweeping the fashion celebrity circuit at the moment, but have gone out of their way to analyse the data anyway because they were bored.
“Naturally there is surprise and confusion when someone in the fashion world dies early, but our analysis of the fashion world has revealed important data points which remove all elements of surprise. You see the fashion world is controlled by homosexuals, and their hatred of the female form creates models who do not look like females any more. To participate in this farcical theatre of hatred against the female form, the females participating in the fashion shows must hate themselves as well. During the unholy ceremony of misogyny performed by the fashion controllers, women are trained from young ages to starve themselves so they can look like young boys, therefore they can be pleasing to their fashion designer masters. Naturally, there will be casualties as many women succumb to the diet of vegetable juice, heroin and cocaine. Their hearts give away, but all is not lost as there are many other brainwashed self-hating women who are willing to bow at the altar of fashion death. Vanity, starvation, and narcissism are key to the fashion world and these tenets must be adhered to at all costs.There is no room for real women in the fashion industry or true celebration of the feminine form pleasing to real men.
“Mick Jagger’s bit on the side, and Peaches Geldof’s heroin lust are two examples of the most recent celebrity fashionista offerings to the altar of fashion death. They died for their fashion, and this is commended by the industry, but they will be forgotten as others take their place in the fickle, soulless, banal, plastic, positively evil fashion industry.”
“Screw America, if they won’t have me, I’m sure others will,” Nigella Lawson said through gritted teeth on her third trip back from Heathrow.
Her desperation to go to America and make it big in the land of the free, has been thwarted by some dastardly underhand dealing which refused her entry into the USA on a mere technicality.
Nigella’s agent, Manny Escobar, revealed some interesting details in this week’s edition of Entertainment Weekly.
“Lissen mang, we gotta g-o-o-o-d deal comin’ through in July. Porto! The yeyo is prime time, and Nigella is gonna be doin’ the cookin’. The best Colombian cookery show you evah seen, at least 4 ks uncut. Fuck United States! And fuck the fucking immigration! Fuck them all! I bury those cockroaches. What they ever do for us?”
It’s great, you get to watch mediocre programs, a shadow of previous BBC programs from the golden age of telly, and not only that, you get to pay for executives’ slap up meals, massive pension plans and huge pay offs.
“The BBC is great, even disgraced executives who were fired under terms of gross misconduct and fraud are given massive golden handshakes. And lest we forget the patron saint of the BBC Sir Jimmy Savile, whose depraved exploits were defended by the beeb right to the very end. How’s about the large International excursions costing BBC licence fee payers vast amounts of money, you know sending a group of 3000 BBC employees to Shanghai for a Chinese takeaway?” a happy licence fee payer told the BBC.
One non TV tax payer said: “I especially love the threatening letters they send me every day even though I don’t have a TV in the house. As for the TV inspectors calling at my property at all hours of the day and night with even more nasty threats, it spices up my otherwise dull life.”
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