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Former Labour Party Member, Rory Stewart is Implant into Tory Party

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Watching the biased Channel 4 debate where the only candidate who endorses a Clean Brexit, Dominic Raab, was given less time than any other candidate to answer questions, and was basically sidelined from the whole show, it is clear to see that powerful forces are at hand once again.

The ugly pustule toad that is Rory Stewart, was of course given full coverage, and his remainer stance had the audience clapping like lemmings at his every utterance as it came out of his leering opium addled face.

It’s thus not surprising that Stewart is not in fact a Tory at heart and was a prominent member of the Labour party before joining the Conservatives. His heart therefore lies in extreme socialist mantras and doctrines, possibly veering towards full Marxism. Maybe the attendees at the 2011 Bilderberg meeting which he attended with other fellow remainer, George Osborne could reveal his true ideological makeup.

It is true to say there are many implants into other parties, and Stewart probably updates Corbyn and his adjutants on a weekly basis as to the goings-on in the depths of the Tory hierarchy. Through his so-called Tory policies and words, Stewart has shown himself to be a hardcore authoritarian leftist at all times.

Stewart has rather ridiculously claimed that he wants to join the Tories with the Brexit party who are devoutly devoted to a ‘Clean Brexit’ on WTO terms, what he calls negatively a ‘no deal’. How is that going to work?

The only thing Stewart will do if he ever gets into power will be an extension of Theresa May’s policy of delay tactics along with false assurances that in the end turned out to be complete lies. There would never be a Brexit under Stewart, and as a Labour implant, the Tories should kick him out before he commits more damage to the party. It is no secret that along with the Labour party, Rory Stewart takes his orders from Brussels.

Another staunch remainer, Theresa May declared her support for Stewart last week, so the augurs do not bode well for BoJo, because he is definitely not over the line yet, as dark remainer forces intent on keeping Britain imprisoned in the EU could still topple his lead even in the last few stages.

Solskjaer Remains Upbeat As United’s Miserable Summer Continues

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Manchester United manager Ole Gunnar Solskjaer was today defiant in the face of continuing discontent among fans regarding the club’s (lack of) summer transfer activity.

Despite his confirmation that he wanted to get his summer transfer business done ‘early’ as last season drew to a miserable, torturous close, the sum total of the Old Trafford club’s wheeling and dealing thus far has been to recruit one Welsh winger nobody has ever heard of. Daniel James will inevitably spend the next twelve months drawing unfavourable comparisons to Ryan Giggs before being shipped off on loan to Middlesbrough.

On social media, fans have been quick to defend their manager, choosing instead to blame those who sit above him in the United hierarchy for the ongoing problems. United’s executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward has come in for particularly strong criticism, as have time-honoured hate targets the Glazer family, who ultimately own the club.

“We’ve been consistent in our opposition to the Glazer family since they first bought the club back in 2005,” confirmed fans spokesman Ian Marmalade. “They’ve had more than a billion quid out of the club since they first landed, and we definitely wouldn’t have fallen so far behind Man City, Liverpool, Tottenham, Arsenal, and sometimes Everton if it wasn’t for that. That’s why all fans have been totally committed to wearing green and gold for the past thirteen years, except the seasons when we’ve actually done alright. Now that we’re off the pace again it’s really reinforced the message that it’s actually all the Glazers’ fault, and our protest activities will continue until we’ve at least won the Carabao Cup or something.”

stadium-manchester united

Spurred on by the passion of Marmalade, our reporters went looking for Solskjaer to see if he could offer any clarity or hope to the club’s long-suffering fans, who have now gone two years without a major trophy. Our calls to the club and to his private telephone number initially went unanswered, but we eventually located him turning his pockets out inside a Manchester casino, having had to present age verification documents to get in despite being 46 years old.

Sweating, and seemingly mildly distracted as he fumbled at the machines, Solskjaer had the following to say.

“Look, I know everyone was expecting us to sign De Ligt, or Dybala, or Bale. Or maybe even Ronaldo, like we’re rumoured to be doing every season and still will be when he’s forty. But that’s just not the way of the club any more. I’ve had really good news on Aaron Wan-Bissaka. He’s so keen to get to Manchester to sign for us that he deliberately played like someone who’d never seen a football before at the Euros, just so England could get eliminated early and he could get back home to talk about his contract. If that isn’t commitment to the cause, I don’t know what is. I know he might not have the profile that fans were hoping for, but any of you who play Football Manager regularly will know that he turns out to be an absolute world beater if you give him five years or so. I’m pretty confident I won’t mess that up. Plus I won’t be here in five years anyway, so why should I worry?”

Solskjaer’s attention then returned to the mobile casino game he was playing, which prompted us to ask him why he was in the casino in the first place. That only seemed to annoy him.

“As I’ve always said, I have full control over the club’s summer transfer budget, and it’s a big one. As we can’t seem to find any players to spend on it, I’ve brought it down here to the casino see how I get on at the tables. That didn’t go so well, so now I’m trying to win it back. I’ve found a UK mobile slots game called Striker Goes Wild, and as I used to be one, I figured this would be a good way to make a return. Oddly, it all seemed to start really well, and I was pulling off a few jackpots by the skin of my teeth. Now I can’t seem to win anything at all. It’s almost as if luck isn’t enough at a casino, and you also need a bit of skill to get you over the line. I feel like that should be a metaphor for something, although I can’t put my finger on it. Anyway, I just need to get on a lucky streak. The first tenner I make back is the first step towards one hundred million. Any chance you could lend us one?”

gargoyle

Feeling that lending the seemingly luckless Manchester United manager money was a bad idea, our reporter respectfully withdrew from the conversation and walked away, leaving Solskjaer turning out his pockets and then offering to autograph people’s napkins for five pounds a time.

With seemingly no big name saviour on the horizon, the task of Solskjaer and his club next season looks an ominous one. Paul Pogba has already made subtle suggestions that he would rather stick a fork into both his eyes and run into a wall than play for United again, and Alexis Sanchez is seemingly fated never to recover from the voodoo hex that was placed upon him by Arsene Wenger as he said his final goodbyes at Arsenal. Short of a major recruit to bolster a back line which will once again inexplicably contain both Phil Jones and Chris Smalling for another year, United’s best hope of cracking the top four next season now seems to rest on the fact that Chelsea have been banned from buying anybody new for the next year, and are about to appoint an inexperienced manager who recently failed to get Derby County promoted to the Premier League.

For the sake of completeness, we attempted to get a quote from Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola for our article. Showing a remarkable grasp of English slang which often eluded him during interviews last season, Guardiola would only say that he found the situation at Old Trafford to be “totes lolz.”

Top-Notch Online Ventures for Modern Mums

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It seems as if a new business concept is being introduced within the marketplace on a daily basis. Many of these ideas appeal to stay-at-home mums due to the fact that they require little more than an Internet connection and the will to succeed. If this is the case, why are so few suggestions actually successful from a long-term point of view. If you are looking for ways to earn an extra source of income without sacrificing your role as a parent, such a question is very pertinent. Let’s take a look at some of the most common small business “promises”.

The “Too Good to be True” Fallacy

Before delving into a handful of online business ideas which could very well offer up the financial freedom that you deserve, to avoid at all costs being deceived.

If something appears too good to be true, it is usually. We have all grown up listening to this maxim and yet, we can still be lured by the temptation of a “sure-fire” business plan or a one-size-fits-all way to earn an income from home. The fact of the matter is that these are nothing more than myths and shrewd marketing ploys designed to encourage you to spend money when purchasing advice from a so-called guru.

If we think about it for a moment, such an observation actually makes a great deal of sense. Surely someone would have found the digital pot at the end of the rainbow if it was ever present to begin with. On the contrary, businesses models come and go. Many change with the times and in accordance with the needs of their customer base. What could have been perfectly suitable a few years ago may represent nothing more than an outdated approach today.

This is why it is critical to avoid being sucked in by those so-called online “experts” who claim to know the secret to eternal wealth (after a rather large payment, of course). These digital snake charmers and charlatans are selling nothing more than a concept; a bundle of maxims which have been spouted out in one form or another for decades. In fact, the chances are high that you could find the very same information for free if you know where to look. This brings us to the next section. Are there any business concepts which are more suited for stay-at-home mums than others? What approaches should you keep in mind so that you can align your efforts toward success?

mum home business

Coming Back Down to Earth

Let’s abandon the smoke and mirrors for a moment and enjoy a small dose of reality. You will not become a millionaire overnight. There is no mythical algorithm which will provide you with a sustainable source of income if allowed to run autonomously. You must first be able to make a conscious commitment to the notion that hard work and dedication are both required if you ever hope to experience success within the online business community. Much like in the real world, financial freedom comes as a direct result of determination and focus.

Still, some ventures have been historically shown to produce more reliable results than others. This is when a bit of insight and acumen is important. For example, let’s imagine that you have come up with a novel idea for an innovative type of baby feeding bottle. While this could very well change the landscape of motherhood in the future, creating and distributing such a product is much more difficult than it may initially appear. Some logistical concerns which could be challenging to overcome include inventory management, product development, client engagement, shipping, and marketing. As a mum, you do not likely have the time to deal with these and other concerns.

This is why it could instead be a great idea to market a product that already exists or is very easy to produce. Mobile phone cases, t-shirts and digital meditation recordings are a few interesting ideas to explore. Of course, mums with more technical experience might very well be able to take on a venture such as creating a standalone smartphone application. The main takeaway point is that you should always attempt to leverage your existing talents as opposed to thinking too far outside of the proverbial box.

You will also be pleased to know that a wealth of e-commerce packages are now available for individuals much like yourself. These are capable of providing you with the necessary digital tools in order to capitalise upon your sense of momentum. However, the bottom line is that you need to be prepared for the “long haul” and you should always appreciate that online business success represents a learning curve. If you possess the time and the patience, the chances are high that a sustainable source of stay-at-home wealth may soon become a reality.

Strait of Hormuz: War With Iran Will Ensure Trump 2020 Win

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Limpet mines, torpedoes in the Strait of Hormuz, sounds like a Bourne or Bond film plot, but the evidence suggests Iran through the use of proxies and Iranian Republican Guard is sending a message that if they cannot export their oil through U.S. sanctions, then no one else should.

The Strait of Hormuz is where a third of the world’s oil and gas is transported, and blocking the strait off will create economic turmoil worldwide overnight. The price of crude has risen sharply at the news of the recent attacks.

The prophesy of 2011 may come true, as Iran is the prize that America has been dreaming of for many years, along with Israel and Saudi Arabia who are itching for a reason to attack the Iranian regime.

Along with the hawks of Washington headed by the head of National Security, John R Bolton, circumstances can change at the drop of a hat.

anti american mural in tehran iran with veiled women
Anti American mural in Tehran Iran with veiled women

When the U.S. administration say they do not want a conflict with Iran, there is little truth in this as they have been planning a series of strikes for years.

The bombing of oil tankers in the Strait of Hormuz is a gift for the U.S. and Iran can deny it all they want but who else would commit these obvious actions?

An incumbent war president is hard to rumble in any election, and Trump knows this full well. Voters will be united against a common enemy — Iran, and it is very rare for administrations to change during an ongoing conflict.

Iran is the key, a land never defeated in modern times, the initial strikes will most certainly take out all communications and electronics, before targeted air strikes destroy as many crucial military targets. The country has already been weakened by sanctions even with China, and Russia enforced by America. There will have to be soldiers on the ground to completely conquer Iran, and this could take a while to achieve.

Former US Embassy in Tehran
Tehran, Iran – Famous painted wall of former embassy of United States in Tehran

The only negative in taking Iran out is the imminent threat looming of China and Russia joining in the fight. Analysts would probably err on the side of caution from these two countries joining a conflict that could escalate into global war. Iran is a red line in global hegemony for the United States, and once this line is crossed, control in the Middle East will be ceded by China and Russia leaving them on the back foot.

Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth will be whispered to Trump, and if he wants to unite America, this is one gift he cannot overlook, but if he does, he may certainly lose in the 2020 elections. The purging of his supporters on the internet has left only one voice on the field — the Democrat echo chamber.

Iran is an energy superpower and the Petroleum industry in Iran plays an important part in it. In 2004 Iran produced 5.1 percent of the world’s total crude oil (3.9 million barrels (620,000 m3) per day), which generated revenues of US$25 billion to US$30 billion and was the country’s primary source of foreign currency.

Proroguing an Anti-Democratic Parliament Intent on Thwarting Brexit is Perfectly Democratic

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To see the snivelling snarling loser hobgoblin Rory Stewart today threatening Boris Johnson is a sign that extremist remainers who are being bankrolled by Brussels are starting to get rumbled.

The underhand parliamentary tricks employed by remainers are unravelling, however to bypass a predominantly anti-democratic parliament may be the only way to leave the EU with a managed Clean Brexit.

The highly irregular activities of House Speaker, John Bercow, who is blatantly seeking to revoke Article 50, as well as the Tory rebels who side with Labour’s remain activism are a direct threat to democracy because people like Dominic Grieve and their ilk are against the democratically decided will of the people to leave the EU.

The first round of the Conservative leadership contest has seen the exit of the women who thought they could become the next PM. After the disaster of Theresa May’s premiership it is no surprise that a woman for the job was not on the menu. The next PM will have to actually have a big set of swinging balls to exercise a Brexit, especially with the treacherous remainers hanging from the rafters waiting to sabotage democracy at every point.

Is Proroguing a Parliament Intent on Stopping the Democratically Voted Result to Brexit Democratic?

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The root of parliament’s problem are the left-wing remainer contingent who surprisingly inhabit the Conservative party, people like Letwin, Clarke, Grieve and Stewart should be thrown out of the party and their constituencies. These shameful excuses for MPs are pathetic whining merchants of treachery who in the past would have been tried for treason.

The crux of the whole imbroglio is that despite parliament voting for Article 50 and promising to value the vote to leave in the EU Referendum there are elements that have gone back on their word and are trying to stop Brexit from happening.

In this climate, proroguing parliament is a perfectly acceptable solution to achieving democracy, because there is such an anti-democratic group of saboteurs in parliament today.

The Mastery of Helmut Newton Enshrined in One Book

The effervescent chrome female nudes of Helmut Newton bring not only a sense of danger but beauty to his work encapsulated perfectly by art publisher TASCHEN in the 20th anniversary limited edition SUMO book. Helmut Newton (1920-2004) was and is still in death an icon of the art of photography.

Newton’s usage of light and composition has been copied countless times, his subjects painted in delicate yet harsh light, immortalised by a lens that clinically dissects their posed structures revealing an ancient yet modern symbolism. Many of the statuesque female nudes exude elemental moments of chrome black and white, metallic goddesses, Newton illuminating the eyes of the viewer with a futuristic nuance aligned with a simplistic minimalist idea of pure creation surrounded by the fertile womb of naked women at the forefront of the lens.

Newton first achieved international fame in the 1970s while working principally for French Vogue, and became celebrated for his controversial scenarios, bold lighting, and striking compositions in street or interior settings, rather than studios.

Born to a Jewish family in Berlin in 1920, Newton received his first camera at the tender age of 12, often neglecting his studies in school to pursue his love of photography.

Whilst working as an apprentice for theatre photographer Yva in Berlin in his teens, Newton felt the stirrings of his dedication to the female nude, a subject which has captured the eyes of artists from time immemorial. His subjects invoke a theme of sadomasochism, beauty, sleaze, and passionate violence tempered with the overt sexuality and empowering strength of his female models.

The glamorous life of Helmut Newton is however coloured in tragedy having fled Nazi oppression in Germany in 1938, shortly after Kristallnacht, he worked in Singapore and Australia during World War II, serving in the Australian army for several years as a driver.

He later opened up a photography studio and moved to Europe in the 1950s. In Paris he began working for French Vogue, and later Playboy, Elle, and other publications during the 1950s and 1960s as his reputation grew, travelling frequently throughout the world on assignments.

Helmut Newton Sumo 20th anniversary TASCHEN publishing – IMAGE CENSORED BY ORDER OF GOOGLE

His many titles and awards include Commandeur de l’Ordre des Arts et des Lettres. His photos for various fashion magazines were some of the first to overtly present female nudity in a triumphant and empowering manner. However, underlying his bold images is a decadence and cruelty woven into complex stories of sex and power. It is this quality to his art that endures and has left its mark on the history of fashion photography.

Helmut Newton’s portraits have been widely exhibited in shows such as White Women, Sleepless Nights and Big Nudes and compiled into many books. TASCHEN’s most expensive publication ever created is the special edition Helmut Newton SUMO, a title that truly transcends the coffee table fashion photography book. Other anthologies include Pages From The Glossies, World Without Men, and Polaroids.

Newton’s photo Le Smoking, perhaps his most well known image, attests to the subversive elegance he conjured: a woman dressed androgynously in Yves Saint Laurent poses with a cigarette in a darkened, cobbled, Parisian street. Simple and powerful, black and white, Helmut Newton’s photography is classic glamour.

In 2004, he died in a car crash in Los Angeles at 84 years old leaving the Chateau Marmont hotel, a place that tells many stories. His ashes are buried three plots down from the grave of Marlene Dietrich at the Städtischer Friedhof III in Berlin.

Among other honours, Newton received the German Kodak Award for Photographic Books, a Life Legend Award from Life magazine, and an award from the American Institute for Graphic Arts for his photographs.

xl-newton_sumo_20th_anniversary-cover_CENSORED BY ORDER OF GOOGLE
Helmut Newton Sumo 20th anniversary TASCHEN publishing

The Helmut Newton SUMO was a titanic book that towered above anything previously attempted. Twenty years later, TASCHEN celebrates the legacy of this publishing venture in an XL edition, the result of a project conceived by Helmut Newton and revised by his wife June. Gathering 464 images and a new booklet that takes us through the making-of the SUMO, it’s a spectacular tribute to the larger-than-life photographer.

Will Boris Johnson Be a Good Prime Minister?

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Watching the massive movement build against Boris in the media and during his press conference today, there seems to be much caution in letting him become the next PM.

To repair the damage done by Theresa May and other remainers will be no easy task whoever takes the mantle. The Labour opposition along with Conservative party rebels are plotting once again to curb any aspirations of a ‘Clean Brexit‘ by tabling a few motions in parliament, aided of course by John Bercow the biased remainer Speaker. Luckily they did not succeed in tabling their motion.

The bets are out and the good money will be on Boris passing the last furlong, amongst croutons floating in the minestrone of remainer treachery. Going out on a limb, maybe investing one’s attention on a genting bet promotion, one could easily capitalise on the odds of whichever outcome materialises.

Johnson certainly proved himself as London Mayor, and his tenure brought London’s prestige up without any needless drama. This is in stark contrast to the Labour Mayor, Sadiq Khan who has been ineffective and has exasperated the knife crime epidemic with his apathy.

During his speech today, Boris alluded to his position that he was not in support of a ‘no deal’ Brexit, which is the antithesis of ERG members and true Brexiteers. It is hard to see what else can be done to leave the EU as Brussels have firmly said they do not expect to negotiate with any new leader of the Conservatives.

With a parliament that wants to thwart the will of the people, Brexit is wholly undeliverable unless there is a prorogue and the Commons shut down allowing the October 31 deadline to run through.

There was a little vulnerability to Boris during his speech, at points mumbling, and stumbling over his words, although once off the pre-written sheet this is where he shone, bringing forth a more free flowing speech to the assembled audience.

It is a shame that parliament wants to thwart the will of the people who voted in the largest democratic vote in British history to leave the EU, because at the end of the day, these same parliamentarians promised to uphold the will of the people during the EU referendum whatever the outcome. The same parliamentarians also okayed the triggering of Article 50, but are now trying to have Article 50 revoked with their anti-democratic push.

As for drugs, Boris was asked the dastardly question but disappointedly did not dodge it with humour but a rambling speech about Tory values and other nonsense. He may have to answer the question at some time in the next few days.

Can Boris be trusted? With the current state of mistrust of MPs after the Brexit mess, it may take some time to win back the trust of voters again. If he delivers Brexit, properly, then we will have more trust in politicians again, but don’t bet on it.

China’s Totalitarian Tiptoe in Hong Kong Eroding Democracy

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The sad demise of the human rights of Hong Kong citizens continues as China moves forward with its totalitarian brutalist communist regime.

Western socialists who idolise the communist regime always put it forward as a model for the West, these same socialists always tout their support for human rights, but strangely never mention the horrendous Chinese regime and its treatment of its own citizens.

Where the hypocrisy ends, it begins in earnest with the disgraceful treatment of the Tibetans and Uighur people, as well as regular citizens who are subjected to inhumane treatment by the Chinese communist state.

As Hong Kong’s residents riot today against a ruling that will extradite people to mainland China, there is only silence from the West, who kowtow to every whim of the economically lucrative country of China. When mass cheap manufacturing is involved, better to keep their mouths shut as the low quality Chinese plastic trinkets made by communist slave labour floods the Western market.

China police1

The hypocrisy continues as the West turns a blind eye to the amount of pollutants the Chinese industries pump out into the atmosphere daily, not only poisoning their own people but everyone else on the planet.

The inherently evil communist Chinese state is a serious danger to the world, an over populated, polluting behemoth with a deranged communist hierarchy who threaten world peace every day with their ever-increasing military might.

Our thoughts now must lie with the poor people of Hong Kong, abandoned by the West, and now being picked apart piece by piece at the hands of the predatory monster of China. All aspirations of a two party system are now under threat as the diktats of China creep in with communistic fervour.

Democracy will soon be a distant memory in Hong Kong as it is eroded by China violating the 50-year agreement safeguarding Hong Kong’s future.

 

Cricket World Cup: When’s the Final

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The 12th Cricket World Cup seems to be heating up nicely.

The latest match played saw Australia’s David Warner take his first International century since his ball tampering ban which took him out for a whole year. The Aussies beat Pakistan in an entertaining 41-run victory despite Pakistan having an easily reachable goal of 136-2 they were slapped down for 4-24.

Australia are the current champions and most successful team in the tournament’s 44 year history, with five wins.

Warner reached the dizzying heights of 107 whilst Captain Aaron Finch settled for 82 -overall 307. Mitchell Starc’s review saw Pakistan bowled out for 266.

Australia and New Zealand are now at the top of the table with six points each although the Kiwis still have one game in hand. As for Pakistan, who are eighth out of ten, they will play their arch enemy India on Sunday at Old Trafford.

The current odds for the Cricket World Cup: England – 2/1, India – 5/2, Australia – 7/2, New Zealand – 10/1, West Indies – 12/1. The lads at your-promotional-code.co.uk will not only give you some free bets but some great odds. There’s certainly a bit more edge to any game when you have a few quid riding on the outome.

 

England, on the other hand, have never won the Cricket World Cup, finishing as runner-up in 1979, 1987 and 1992. This year could be very different though with Jos Butler in play. The outgoing England head coach Trevor Bayliss, will be leaving in September, but will go on to support the team for the Ashes, which begins on Thursday 1 August.

The final will be played at Lords on Sunday, July 14 and will be a culmination of 45 group stage matches and two semi-finals played over seven weeks. Lord’s cricket ground also hosted the final of the inaugural World Cup in 1975, as well as the finals in 1979, 1983, 1999. The tournament consists of 10 countries competing for that all elusive cup. After a single round in which each nation will play each other once, two semi-finals will take place at Old Trafford and Edgbaston determining the finalists.

Latest Results

England vs South Africa, May 30 at The Oval – England won by 104 runs
West Indies vs Pakistan, May 31 at Trent Bridge – West Indies won by 7 wickets
New Zealand vs Sri Lanka, June 1 at Cardiff – New Zealand won by 10 wickets
Australia vs Afghanistan, June 1 in Bristol – Australia beat Afghanistan by seven wickets
South Africa vs Bangladesh, June 2 at The Oval – Bangladesh beat South Africa by 21 runs
England vs Pakistan, June 3 at Trent Bridge – Pakistan beat England by 14 runs
Afghanistan vs Sri Lanka, June 4 in Cardiff – Sri Lanka won by 34 runs
South Africa vs India, June 5 in Southampton – India won by six wickets
Bangladesh vs New Zealand, June 5 at The Oval – New Zealand won by two wickets
Australia vs West Indies, June 6 at Trent Bridge – Australia won by 15 runs
Pakistan vs Sri Lanka, June 7 in Bristol – no result
England vs Bangladesh, June 8 in Cardiff – England won by 106 runs
Afghanistan vs New Zealand, June 8 in Taunton – New Zealand won by seven wickets
India vs Australia, June 9 at The Oval – India won by 36 runs
South Africa vs West Indies, June 10 in Southampton – no result
Bangladesh vs Sri Lanka, June 11 in Bristol – no result
Australia vs Pakistan, June 12 in Taunton – Australia won by 41 runs

Elderlies Could Be Simply Switched Off Says BBC

“It’s like switching off a TV. Once the old people get to a certain age we flick a switch and they turn off. This way we get to keep our immense salaries,” BBC executive, Tim Rice, revealed today.

The new policy will involve fitting old people at a certain age with an off switch, when flicked, the elderlies simply expire.

“Old people in Britain are treated like shit anyway, so they won’t even notice or care when they are switched off. It’s a huge burden on society as well as the BBC. How can we possibly afford to pay people like Gary Linekar £3.6 million pounds per year to talk bollocks in a studio a few hours a week? He has to attend to his golf sessions and luxury holidays in Barbados every few weeks,” Rice added.

Because the BBC is funded by taxpayers, the death switches will be funded by another increase in the TV licence, and will rise every year as BBC salaries rise.

Government spokesman, Shaun O’Hanrahan, applauded the new BBC initiative to install off switches in elderly people.

“Not only will they not have to pay a TV licence any more, but the NHS will save billions per year looking after the elderlies. It’s a win win situation for the BBC and the government. We take everything out of these people during their lifetime, then when they’re all used up, simply flick a switch, and they’re gone.”

How Will the BBC ‘Switch Off’ Scheme Work?

All costs to the recipient will be factored in through the TV licence tax. Once a citizen reaches the age of 75, they will be switched off.

The switch will be embedded on the left side of the skull near the ear. The procedure for implantation is very simple, and only takes 5 minutes to install by an approved BBC licence engineer.

Once the switch is flicked, a signal is sent simultaneously to the heart and brain of the elderly person switching all functions off. Once the old person has been switched off, a BBC van takes away the body and a final demand for payment is left in the property. If the elderly has no relatives to pay the final demand notice, bailiffs are sent around immediately to recoup the amount owed for the switch off service.

Naturally all people employed by the BBC and government will be exempt from the ‘switch off’ service, otherwise they would not be able to enjoy their gold-plated pension pots and luxury perks in old age.