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Obama All Set for Black House

by Mr. Charrington
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2
Obama All Set for Black House

Barack
Obama is going from strength to strength and is so confident of winning the presidential race that his
campaign supporters and team are even talking about some of the minor
changes they will introduce to the White House once they are instated.

‘cracker’

Michelle
Obama has already chosen the new colour for the Black House once they are
voted in, and she reiterated the point emphatically to New Yorker magazine last week:

“It’s
time the Honky House got a new lick of paint, and we’re gonna make sure
that this time round it’s going to be a good colour and not that pale
soulless white sheeiit.”

For hundreds of years the White House has had
a whitewash whiter than white colour, but soon there will be a nice lick of black paint over the pale grand
facade of the building.

“We’re still discussing whether it should be matt black or gloss black over the president’s Washington residence. I say gloss because atleast that will reflect some kind of light,” Jill Gassburger for the Washington Obama campaign branch said at a congressional meeting on Tuesday.

‘Time for change’

Obama, who has even been endorsed by
American white supremacist group the Ku Klux Klan is touted as the new uniter in
a land of economic and racial chaos.

“McCain should be dead by the time the election comes around. I can’t see him lasting until the end of September, maybe October. That means Obama will be the next President and he has had orders from Michelle that a new lick of paint is going to go up when they move into the Black House,” a senior Obama campaign advisor advisor told us.

There is talk of introducing good wholesome food to the Black House. Levi
Seacer, who is the chef chosen by the Obamas, told the Times:
“George W Bush eats greasy ass food like cheeseburgers, freedom fries,
corndogs, pretzels and is even still learning to read and form words
with Alphabet Soup which he finds great fun. But we’re going to change
the cuisine that is served in the Black House to good ol’ wholesome soul food and
none of that dubya trash; foods like country fried steak, chitlins, hog
maws with rice and greens, corn bread and chow chow. Hmm hmmm, dang
good cooking.”

Shock as Ageing Rock Star Leaves Wife for Teen Temptress

by Mr. Charrington
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1

All the newspapers have been bristling with news that an ageing rickety old rock star left his wife after 30 years of marriage to go off with a young girl.

“Tight like a ..”

“This is a complete surprise and we would never have seen it coming. I mean, who would have thought an ageing rock star resembling a wrinkled old prune would hanker after some young hot tight flesh that bounces to the touch as opposed to something that resembles an old leathery corpse?” Reggie Newby, the rock star’s chauffeur told one of the tabloid papers yesterday.

The news that the rock star decided to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh with a young, hot piece of ‘chicken’ also comes with the news that the pope likes to hang out in Catholic churches and the Queen is rather partial to hanging around Buckingham Palace. Apparently, bears like to defecate in the woods too.

Oil Found in UK – US to Invade Next Week

by Mr. Charrington
-
3
Oil Found in UK – US to Invade Next Week

Addressing
congress from a televised conference recorded in the Oval room, George
W Bush described the imminent threat posed by England’s weapons of
mass destruction.

“Intelligence gathered by this and other
governments leaves no doubt that the English regime continues to
possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised,” Mr
Bush said in his speech.

The US president also stated that British Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, was trying to build nuclear missiles that could hit Washington in 45 minutes.

“We know for a fact that there are weapons
there. Britain has chemical, nuclear and biological weapons, Brown has continued to produce them, he has existing and active military
plans for the use of chemical and biological weapons, which could be
activated within 45 minutes against Washington,”

There
are also purported to be tonnes of yellowcake uranium under the Queen’s
palace situated 5 km west of London as well as multiple mobile missile
launching sites manned by Al Qaeda members dotted around the capital.

Vice President, Dick Cheney added: “Simply stated, there is no doubt that Gordon Brown now has weapons of mass destruction.”

‘Shock and Awe’

“Gordon Brown poses an immediate threat to the United States of America. I
have ordered our forces to strike decisively and with great precision.
We will eliminate the imminent threat to our country and return the oil
reserves to their rightful owner — the USA.”

The president’s
speech was received with rapturous applause and cheer from the
assembled Fox News crew in the White House oval office. Fox news
anchor, Bill O’Reilly was seen to wet his spandex trousers with delight
at the news of another war.

‘Liberation’

The British oil find is said to be approximately three trillion barrels
worth and would supply the US with enough oil until the end of August of this year.

“If we invade by next week we can be drilling and pumping the oil by week two,” a Halliburton employee told Fox news.

The
people of Britain who have suffered for many years are said to be
happy that the US has finally come round to invading them and getting
rid of the vile dictator Brown.

I’m an Older Shylock, Says PM

by Mr. Charrington
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1
I’m an Older Shylock, Says PM

In a New Statesman interview the prime minister was told: “Most people  say you remind them of Shylock.”

He replied: “Maybe an older Shylock, a wiser Shylock.”

He said like Shylock, he did not “take any prisoners” and will take what is his “without fail”. But Shakespeare expert Bertrand Tinsdale said the character was actually “not an ideal role-model”.

A pound of flesh

In The Merchant of Venice, written between 1596 and 1598, Shylock is an embittered, violent figure who treats most others with cruelty and contempt and who is a vicious heartless avaricious usurer.

Mr Tinsdale, collections manager of the Shakespeare Literary Museum at Stratford-upon-avon, Warwickshire, told the New Statesman: “The thing about Shylock is he turned to vengeance, greed and hatred and wants to punish people just like Gordon Brown’s greedy hatred can be seen in his over-taxing the populations of Britain.

“Is this the role model we want for a British prime minister?

“Gordon Brown revels in his hated status as chief bloodsucker and evil henchman who leaves people destitute. It seems our PM does not care how he is perceived and will continue to keep taking pounds of flesh from the people until someone or something dares to stop him.”

Elsewhere in the interview Mr Brown laughed off suggestions he had a bad temper saying: “I do not have a fu**ing bad temper you stupid moronic twerp piece of sh*t! If you dare to publish what I just fu**ing said I will take more than a pound of flesh from you. Now open your shirt before I lose my temper further. I will take a pound now and leave some for later!!”

The Merchant of Venice

Shylock, a wealthy Jew is one of the main characters of the play. His merciless and uncompassionate nature is revealed when he seeks the life of another man to sate his vengeance and greed.

Laurence Olivier and several other leading actors have played him on screen.

Mr Brown did not have to wait long to hear reference to Shylock in the House of Commons.

Shadow Chancellor George Osborne called for an early U-turn on car tax plans, adding that it was time for “Shylock to put the knife away and not take anymore pounds of flesh”.

Conservative leader David Cameron, responding to Mr Brown’s statement on introducing further taxes on the poor, said: “I am sure I speak for the whole country when I say I am disgusted to see Shylock carrying on with his awful ways again.”

Is Emphysema the new Anorexia?

by Mr. Charrington
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3
Is Emphysema the new Anorexia?

London’s ‘it’ circles are teeming with oxygen masks as the new emphysema fashion craze is sweeping though the cool and the hip.

The new craze is causing mayhem amongst the daughters of rock celebrities like Bob Geldof and Sting and it’s all thanks to Amy Winehouse, 24, who has emphysema from smoking crack rocks all day long.

Pete Doherty’s Crack

“I’ve seen Peaches and Pixie smoking crack like it was going out of fashion. Sting’s daughter, Coco, who now hangs out with Pete Doherty, smokes so much crack that she’s lost her voice temporarily. They say it’s the new fashion and they want to get emphysema too just like Amy,” DJ Jack Curran who regularly spins for the stars in Camden’s Monarch pub told Melody Maker magazine.

For the last few years anorexia was the big thing, especially in the fashion world where size zero was all the rage. Now emphysema and walking around with an oxygen tank is the current craze of choice with the party set of Camden and Primrose Hill. Kate Moss and Sadie Frost have already had oxygen tanks delivered to their homes, and Kate Moss is often seen sporting hers whilst driving her daughter to school.

‘Sema like Amy

Last week one of Bob Geldof’s daughters was seen at Claridge’s with an oxygen tank and mask firmly in tow. She was spied downing large vodkas and even attempting to smoke while the oxygen mask was still over her face. The photo event was celebrated in all media sources with full page spreads thus encrusting her jaunt into celebrity history.

Emphysema is an irreversible degenerative condition, so once you get it you’ve got it for life. Smoke from crack cocaine is particularly harsh on the lungs and will deteriorate the body faster than other products like tobacco.

“Crack is the drug of choice for these celebrities because it will speed up the onset of the degenerative lung disease faster than smoking normal cigarettes,” Angie Dickinson, a reporter for the BBC 5 music programme ‘Munters’ featuring pop celebrity Lilly Allen, said.

Oil Found in Zimbabwe – UK and US to Invade Next Week

by Mr. Charrington
-
2
Oil Found in Zimbabwe – UK and US to Invade Next Week

Addressing congress from a televised conference recorded in the Oval room, George W Bush described the imminent threat posed by Zimbabwe’s weapons of mass destruction.

“Intelligence gathered by this and other governments leaves no doubt that the Zimbabwe regime continues to possess and conceal some of the most lethal weapons ever devised,” Mr Bush said in his speech.

The US president also stated that Mugabe was trying to build nuclear missiles that could hit the Western world in 45 minutes.

“We know for a fact that there are weapons there. Zimbabwe has chemical, nuclear and biological weapons, Mugabe has continued to produce them, he has existing and active military plans for the use of chemical and biological weapons, which could be activated within 45 minutes against the west,”

There are also purported to be tonnes of yellowcake uranium under Mugabe’s palace situated 45 km west of Harare as well as multiple mobile missile launching sites manned by Al Qaeda members dotted around the capital.

Vice President, Dick Cheney added: “Simply stated, there is no doubt that Robert Mugabe now has weapons of mass destruction.”

‘Shock and Awe’

“Robert Mugabe poses an immediate threat to the United States of America. I have ordered our forces to strike decisively and with great precision. We will eliminate the imminent threat to our country and return the oil reserves to their rightful owner — the USA.”

The president’s speech was received with rapturous applause and cheer from the assembled Fox News crew in the White House oval office. Fox news anchor, Bill O’Reilly was seen to wet his spandex trousers with delight at the news of another war.

‘Liberation’

The Zimbabwe oil find is said to be approximately three trillion barrels worth and would supply the US with enough oil until September.

“If we invade by next week we can be drilling and pumping the oil by week two,” a Halliburton employee told Fox news.

The people of Zimbabwe who have suffered for many years are said to be happy that the US has finally come round to invading them and getting rid of the vile dictator Mugabe.

Obama Eunuch Castration Scare

by Mr. Charrington
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0
Obama Eunuch Castration Scare

The Reverend Jesse L. Jackson had to be restrained in a Fox News studio when he attempted to castrate the next President of the United States, Barack Hussein Obama.

Prior to an interview with Fox News the cameras were left rolling and recorded the whole sordid scene in its entirety.

“Scrote”

“There was chaos in the studio as Jackson started shouting about ‘Oreo cookies’. He got his switchblade out and ordered Obama to lower his trousers so he could emancipate him in the name of Jesus Christ. There were many expletives flying in the air as Obama strangely complied with Jackson’s order, it was only when Bill O’Reilly jumped in and ordered Jackson to back off that things eventually cooled off,” a shocked network worker cited in court papers filed Wednesday.

Other witnesses were terrified when the evangelical Christian said that he was “going to make Obama into a Castrato for the opera and a eunuch for the Seraglio”. Clearly the Reverend was delusional and a medical team was quickly ushered in to inject him with a sedative and stretcher him off to a hospital.

“The O’Reilly Factor”

Mr O’Reilly who is a prominent member of the homosexual community in Oregon, is no stranger to controversy. Last year he was caught wearing a pink ballet dress and stockings under the table when he was presenting his top rated show. He was suspended for a week but was given his post back after a long session in the back of his 1986 Toyota Camry GLi Estat with Rupert Murdoch himself. He has since been promoted to be the head of Fox’s Republican Propaganda Services.

“Oreo Cookies”

Mr Jackson, who himself stood for the Democratic presidential nomination in both 1984 and 1988, said he felt “very distressed” over the success of Mr Obama. “Why didn’t people vote for me? Why that boy got ahead and I did not. Goddam racist bigots, it’s because he is an Oreo — Black on the outside, white on the inside.”

Reverend Jackson’s Rainbow/PUSH Coalition is based in Mr Obama’s home town of Chicago and his son, Jesse Jackson Jnr, is a national co-chairman of the Obama campaign.

Gordon Brown Calls for a Tax on Recession

by Mr. Charrington
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1
Gordon Brown Calls for a Tax on Recession

The tax-happy PM, Gordon Brown has announced a new taxation on the people of Britain who he is systematically punishing.

Britons still have two more years of punishment to endure of the unelected and out of touch Prime Minister Brown.

Because Britain is in deep recession at the moment due mainly to Mr Brown’s dodgy ‘boom and bust’ tax-heavy wasteful policies of utter misery and stupidity; his cabinet of idiotic troglodyte neo-Stalinist cowards want to tax the plebiscite further.

“The populations of Britain have sinned, therefore we are going to tax you further. Because the whole country is in deep recession and inflation is at 35%, we will tax all those who are in recession,” Brown announced on Tuesday.

The economy is in serious decline as is the FTSE 100 of leading shares, pensions are now next to worthless, tax is the highest in the world including fuel tax which makes up 70% of the price, the housing market is in free-fall and unemployment is rising daily. There is no respite for British families, especially with the cost of food rising by 90% in 5 months as well as increasing council tax and heating bills.

The new taxation initiative by Brown will charge people who are living in ‘Recession Britain’.

“The Labour party will put a tax on everyone who lives in this country if there is a recession going on. Citizens will only be charged £2600 per annum for as long as the recession carries on in the economy. The people should be glad about this small charge because Gordon will bring in a new tax of £6500 per annum for when the country is not in a recession. Therefore, count your lucky stars,” John Barnacle, a reporter for the socialist newspaper, the Guardian wrote in his weekly column.

Further taxes will also be introduced by the Brown regime on citizens who try and avoid the crippling road tax charges for petrol cars which are to be introduced soon.

“You don’t think Gordon is going to let owners of zero emission electric or hybrid cars get away without paying the immense taxes? British motorists are the biggest ‘sucker cash cows’ in the world. Under Labour, motorists have been taxed off the road. Users of electric/hybrid vehicles will also be taxed heavily by Brown to compensate the loss of tax revenue from fuel duty, road tax and emissions tax. Furthermore, a new scheme will be introduced very soon of road pricing, which will charge all vehicles irrespective of emissions. Satellite tracking will be compulsory very soon thanks to Labour,” an anonymous source for the Road Transport Network revealed to the Telegraph’s Motor supplement on Sunday.

Tourists Coming to Britain Advised to Wear Stab Vests

by Mr. Charrington
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9

Visitors to Britain are being advised to bring their own stab vests or purchase them when they get here so that they can enjoy their trip without being fatally stabbed.

With every day bringing another batch of brutal stabbings by feral hooded teens high on skunk weed and crack, there seems to be no respite to the deluge of knife madness that is gripping Britain.

Consulates across the world are advising their citizens to only travel to the UK if it is really necessary and if they do travel to “bring a kevlar stab and bullet proof vest”.

Travellers to Britain have also had another major setback, they cannot get travel insurance as no company is willing to sell cover for the UK.

Stab vests (also referred to as “stab proof vests”, stab resistant vests or anti stab vests) protect the vital inner body parts from stabs, cuts, slashes and blows from sharp, edged or spiked weapons.

UK citizens are not allowed to defend themselves if they are confronted by teenage killers brandishing knives and guns and are regularly arrested and charged if they dare to use self defence.

“The police in the UK do not carry guns and under health and safety rulings have been ordered to run away if confronted by criminals and children carrying knives or guns. Therefore, it is not advisable to ask for help from the UK police because they have less power than the criminals. Some police officers are trained in firearm use but they are only mobilised as a last resort after the stabbing or violent slashing has taken place,” John Simpson a guide for the British Board of Tourism revealed.

London Bus Tours, the premier tourist bus company in England, have taken the recent violent developments in England as a chance to unveil the new armoured tourist buses that have state of the art defensive capabilities ensuring all visitors are not violently murdered during the tour of the city.

The armoured tourist buses come replete with gun turrets as standard on the top deck and will travel around the UK’s cities with an armed escort.

Comrades We Must Stop Wasting Food Rations

by Mr. Charrington
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0
Comrades We Must Stop Wasting Food Rations

Comrade Gordon Brown our supreme unelected leader is urging the populations of the Soviet State of Britain to recycle cabbage rations.

The Soviet state advises comrades and workers to recycle food by not wasting ti in any way. Your cabbage ration per week must be utilised to its maximum capacity.

Already the central Politburo office has released the lyrics for a new Soviet song to be distributed amongst the workers:

“Comrades, do not waste your cabbage. You can make cabbage soup, cabbage ice cream, cabbage jam and toasted cabbage with cream. You can have cabbage with your sprouts or cabbage with your Soviet ale. How about a bit of cabbage sprinkled over a warm bit of gruel. Cabbage dessert on a Sunday if you please. Comrades, dearest comrades, you must not waste your cabbage for times are hard. Comrade Brown eats cabbage too and so should you.”

We must be strong comrades because our Supreme leader urges us to fight the terrible legacy of the previous Soviet Chancellor who has created the terrible situation we are in now. Luckily, Comrade Brown’s ten year cabbage plan will ensure that cabbage will be plentiful once again in about nine and a half years time from now.

There will be further cuts in rationing from next week when all proles will only be allowed one cabbage per month. All Soviet citizens and brave Bolshevik warriors will have to survive on that single cabbage without exception. You are urged to refrigerate the cabbage so as not to see any rot setting in.

Soviet comrades are urged to visit Comrade Brown’s information site to find recipes that they can utilise to create their cabbage dishes.

Politburo officials for the Stasi councils will be going through all Soviet citizens’ rubbish. Anyone found to have thrown away any piece of cabbage or lard will be taken to their local eco-gulag and beaten with sticks as a punishment for wasting.

Notice: B64575 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

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