The man was said to be distraught after being told about what is going on at the moment.

Mr Fandango who was being cared for at Los Angeles’ UCLA hospital, was said to be inconsolable after reading a daily newspaper.

“I just woke up from a long term coma to see that the president is black, Michael Jackson is white and Arnold Schwarzanegger is the governor of California. I even read that Hillary Clinton is Secretary of State?” an agitated and shocked Mr Fandango told the LA Times.

Mr Fandango is now speaking to lawyers so that he can sue the hospital for “irreparable mental trauma” caused by the cessation of his coma.

“We have reason to believe that Mr Fandango may have inadvertently been woken up by a cleaner who accidentally bumped the bed. He has instructed us to present an injunction to the hospital in question for the breach of his human rights resulting in severe mental trauma,” Larry Silverstein Jnr. the attorney in charge of the case told reporters.

Hospital administrators, however, are at a loss as what to do next.

“You can’t just put someone back into a coma. Although, I do have an idea. Maybe we can make him watch 15 minutes of that British prime minister’s speeches. What’s the guy’s name? Yes, Gordon Brown. Hell, Mr Fandango would soon be back in his comatose state in no time and we would avert a multi-million dollar lawsuit,” the hospital’s chief administrator, Bud Dwyer M.D. said.

Sharing a cell with another thief, Bernie Madoff has already settled into his 7 1/2 by 8 foot cell in the Metropolitan Correctional Center.

‘He’s settled in good. Bernie already has a prison ponzi scheme setup with cigarettes. I think the deal is everyone gives him some cigarettes to look after but instead of making more cigarettes he smokes the lot and gives a few out to a few choice people at the top of the pyramid. If the big boys catch on, Bernie’s going to have his balls served up on a dish,” Al ‘Carbone’ Tagliatelle, one of the inmates told the New York Times.

Dealing in cigarettes and other contraband is highly illegal in the prison and if caught an inmate can land himself in solitary confinement for weeks at a time.

The prison’s governor is said to be a person who does not like being taken for a ride: “If I find that Bernie Madoff is dealing in smokes or anything there will be hell to pay. He can swindle all the Jews he wants out of prison but anyone in here that gets swindled gets to share a cell with Bernie and we put a big jar of vaseline in the cell too. We also got about 80% of mafia inmates here who have somewhere along the line been burnt by Madoff, some even lost millions. It’s only going to be a matter of time before they make the right moves.”

There’s no more East side duplex with leisurely brunches, champagne lunches or lavish dinners at New York’s best eateries. From now on Bernie Madoff is going to be eating mush while trading cigarettes and trying to stay alive.

“The communal showers is where new boys get to learn about the system here. Bernie’s got some blubber on him and some of the boys like chubsters because they got tits like bitches. He gonna make someone very happy that’s for sure,” Tagliatelle added.

Senior members of Comrade Brown’s government politburo office in Whitehall have disclosed crucial data about the further destruction of the British system of wealth so as to enable complete Sovietization.

Speaking from Whitehall’s politburo offices, senior analyst, Comrade O’Brien, revealed the extent of Gordon Brown’s war on the proletariat and bourgeois classes: “Our supreme unelected commander in chief, the one-eyed supreme eyeball and seer of all, the unchallenged visionary of the New Era of Change and saviour of the World’s Soviet Global Control Systema, has once again excelled in his plan to reduce the wealth of the people further and bring them to their knees. The people of Britain will be reduced to eating from rubbish bins and living in cardboard eco-boxes thanks to our Sovietization collectivist dream. Comrade Brown, who is responsible for the biggest economic downturn the world has ever seen, is having so much fun with the destruction of the British capitalist economy that he now has uncontrollable giggling fits when at his desk signing 42 year detention warrants. We must congratulate him on his efficient technique in destroying peoples lives and spreading more misery around than Stalin or Lenin could ever have wished. The holocaust that will come will dwarf their regimes and make them look like Mickey f*cking mouse.”

Capitalist houseprices have already fallen 21 per cent from their peak, but further Sovietization should ensure they will slump further by up to 55 per cent if the over-correction in prices is as bad as in the early 1990s, according to the Central Politburo Office.

That would leave 60 million Britons in negative equity – when their house is worth less than their mortgage.

This will enable more repossessions by the Soviet banking system led by Northern Red Rock and the Lloyds Bolshevik Bank, so that the state will rightly own everything.

“There will be no self-ownership under Labour’s Soviet Britain. We will have an equal society where everyone will live in poverty and misery and where personal wealth will be a thing of the past. The capitalist scum who do not obey the new system will be taken away and re-educated in one of comrade Brown’s eco-gulags,” Comrade O’Brien added.

Clinton told young Europeans at the European Parliament that global economic and environmental turmoil provided a fresh opening: “Never waste a good crisis … Don’t waste it when it can have a very positive impact on increasing scientific control. It doesn’t matter if the West claims to be reducing carbon emissions because with countries like China and India pumping out so much shit into the atmosphere it makes no bloody difference. We are just using the Global Warming bullsh*t story to bring in some more prohibitive taxes and laws. We have to use so-called crisis as best we can to create more fear amongst the populations. I love the smell of fear on a human’s breath, hmmm, it smells like dinner. Fear is my fuel, and the more fear we harvest from humans the more I crave,” she said.

Witnesses at the conference then saw Mrs Clinton momentarily shift her shape into a green lizard before suddenly switching back into her human disguise.

“I was just chewing on my cheeseburger and trying to get through the boring speech when lo and behold my eyes nearly goddamn popped out of their sockets. Hillary Clinton changed into a lizard right in front of everyone but only a few people noticed. It was so unbelievable that my brain could not comprehend what it had just seen so it tried to edit out the reptile eyes, claws and forked tongue. At first I thought it could have been Peter Mandelson who had walked into the room but when I looked back I saw Hillary Clinton blushing like she let off a fanny fart or something,” Ed Fellini, a European Parliamentary Economics Minister representing Italy, told Rai Uno.

Europe sees the United States as another greedy user of all of the world’s precious resources. The U.S. currently uses over 45% of the world’s oil and pumps out huge amounts of toxic gases into the atmosphere every day.

“The carbon lifeforms that we call humans are now getting too many in number. They’re breeding like f*cking fruit flies. The use of eugenics will be incorporated on the populations to weed out the bad slaves from the good ones to serve their masters. Comrades, we have come to a time of which we have waited for many centuries. We have no need for the old ways, the post-industrial age is upon us. We must discard the unruly humans who have to be entertained all the time. We will bring on the new era. The scientific age where our slaves will not have any form of individual thought but will work in harmony and be glad to serve us in our luxurious utopia,” Mrs Clinton added.

“I will Survive”

Lord Mandelson branded the stunt, in front of television cameras, a ‘delicious reminder of my home pursuits’.

The pea soup squirting, outside the Government’s low carbon industrial strategy at the
Royal Society in London, was just another episode in Lord Mandy’s troubled return into the political fray. No police were at the scene.

“Mandy is used to having stuff squirted into his face and he took the soup gunging spunk-fest with a pinch of salt. It was like water off a ducks back,” a Royal Society elitist arsehole told Sky news.

Lord
Mandelson later emerged from the building after changing his tie and
said: ‘It was a wonderful distraction actually. There I was dreaming of Bill Clinton whilst on a visit to the United States and me wearing a blue dress, when, out of nowhere, I received a firm squirt of pea juice onto my face and clothes. Ooh it was so good. I enjoyed it so much I have to go to my office now and get into my ermine for a spot of Lordly action.”