Bloated celebrity chef, Heston Blumenthal, who has gorged at the trough of many free lunches, is used to getting the tax-payer to foot the bill of his BBC cookery shows advertising his restaurant. Tonight he is rubbing his fat bald head in disgrace.
The Daily Squib can reveal for the first time the food that has poisoned thousands.
Some patrons who visited the Fat Duck are now calling for the ‘Fat F*ck’ Blumenthal to be strung up by his bollocks from a very high tree.
“I paid £350 for a plate of his food. Well I’ve been on the shitter for the best half of a week and my projectile vomiting antics resemble something from Linda Blair’s repertoire. I want a refund!” a furious customer said.
Diners at the Fat Duck – one of only three restaurants in the UK with three Michelin stars – can experience dishes such as deep fried mars bars, snail porridge or snot scrambled eggs and a bacon sarnie ice cream. The most popular dish according to health investigators is egg and chips with a fat greasy gammon steak thrown onto it from a great height and finished off with a dollop of mushy peas marinated in rancid Special Brew.
“This is British gourmet food that we can be proud of. I refute any claims that anyone has been taken ill by our food. It is the best food in Europe at the moment and I would even go as far as saying it is the best in the world,” Mr Blumenthal told the News of the World newspaper.
Health Inspectors have called for the restaurant to be temporarily closed so as to ascertain the cause of the outbreak of ebola.
“Although this case is nothing unusual in the UK we still feel we are obliged to investigate the case further because he’s one of those stuck-up poncey celebrity chefs, otherwise we wouldn’t f*cking bother. The British people usually eat so much crap in their diets daily that this stuff usually goes unnoticed,” Steve Redbridge, a Health Protection Agency worker said.