“The whole thing was boring until I saw something that definitely perked me up. No I’m not talking about a trade deal with Germany, but a lovely pair of bouncing breasts,” Mr Putin revealed during the show.
One of Putin’s aides said: “We need more of these topless female protesters showing us their hot assets.”
Here’s to more Femen protesting gals cheering everyone up, we need more politics like this.
Maggie Thatcher has finally died and will be buried in the ground after a state ceremony.
“There won’t be any miners at her funeral. When she is lowered into the deep hole in the ground it will resemble an elevator being lowered into a mine shaft,” an unemployed miner said.
The Iron Lady was the bane of many socialists and was infamous for her stance in the Miners’ Strike of 1984, as well as the Falklands War and Poll Tax, which eventually led to her downfall.
“This is a sad day for any Conservative but a supremely happy day for any Labour supporter or socialist,” Brett Landown, a cheerful political commentator for the BBC said.
There were also cheers at the Guardian and Mirror newspapers as the news filtered through but things were muted at the Telegraph. Amongst the Tories, Michael ‘Hezza’ Hesaltine will certainly not be shedding any tears at the demise of his old foe.
The creators of Spitting Image, Peter Fluck and Roger Law, were sad about the loss: “She was the star of the show and we thoroughly enjoyed creating her in Spitting Image. No doubt she is now down in the depths of hell entertaining Ronnie with stories of the good old days.”
The UK population is braced for a torrent of retrospectives, analysis and tribute programs on constant loop for the next few weeks on all media.
Prime Minister Pedro Passos Coelho is on the back foot as he tries to stave off another bank run and this time the Troika could confiscate all deposits.
“This is the simple redistribution of wealth from previously sovereign nations to the central bank and will also occur in Spain, Slovenia and many other Southern EU sectors who were tricked into getting into the Eurozone currency,” policy researcher, Melvin Tertorro, told the Euronews channel.
Collectivist EU techniques of wealth redistribution have already been used in the bankrupt Southern Cyprus sector.
“Cyprus was a dress rehearsal for the rest of the Southern profligate sectors who are to be made an example of. The British expats and other foreigners are simply seen as collateral damage, we will take their money as well without any qualms. As for the property they own, it is unsellable and even if they do manage to sell it, they will not be able to take the money out of that EU sector,” an unnamed unelected ECB official told EU state networks.
“Americans are finally realising that they are increasingly living under a dictatorship, because Obama knows no other way to rule. All his life he was mentored and tutored in Marxist ideology, in control techniques that the Soviets used, in repetition of the message that needs to be ingested by the masses. If Americans buy more guns, what are they going to shoot with, peas? The ammo has been suppressed and Americans will now find it increasingly hard to arm themselves. That’s not a problem for the DHS though. They have plenty of rounds of ammo. I wonder why that is? Is it getting through to you yet?” Bill Steads, 45, a pro-gun activist from Colorado who cannot get any ammunition for his guns told America Today magazine.
The Attorney General, Eric Holder, said himself that the administration needs to keep repeating the anti-gun mantra and brainwash people into giving away their freedom to bear arms.
Soviet techniques of repetition are utilised by the Obama administration, because if you repeat something enough times it becomes a truth in the eyes of the public. The Pavlovian techniques do seem to work on the pliant American public because they appear to be complying to Obama’s every whim.
“Even though Obama has effectively curtailed many pro-gun lobbies, and voices, some people are still buying guns in America. This anomaly has resulted in the supply of ammunition being reduced to a trickle so as to stop those people who see fit to still buy guns. People are being weaned from their guns and effectively disarmed by the lack of bullets to shoot their guns with. The Obama admin. has also brought in very strict laws deterring people from trying to buy guns with increased checks and red tape. If Obama makes owning a gun like sitting in quick sand, who the hell is going to own one?” a Capitol Hill insider revealed.
The scientific method of controlling the public in the USA seems to be working as the Obama administration brings in any laws curtailing gun ownership they want without question.
Americans are finally losing the will to fight for their guns. They are pliant and under control. It seems to be a dream-like state of collective consciousness where they have been effectively disarmed through clever Pavlovian techniques and subtle use of underhand integration of new laws. Unless some faction wakes up now and stops the brainwashing, the American public will be relinquished of their weapons in less than one generation without even a single shot being fired.
It is better to die free, then live as a slave.
Celebrity Mathew Mcconaughey has a dung beetle forest in his bedroom where he likes to wile away the hours watching them rolling the balls of excrement around a specially designed environment.
Now Tom Cruise has found interest in dung beetles and even Anthony Kiedis from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers band is fascinated by them.
“They’re great, they get that poo and roll it around the sand box all day long. It’s very cathartic to watch, when I get back from a hard days filming some action movie or whatever, I like to kick back, take off my shoes and watch those beetles go. It brings me joy and happiness,” Mathew Mcconaughey told GQ magazine.
Dung beetles are not for the regular pet owner though so please do your research before getting one. They take a lot of looking after and fresh supplies of dung everyday.
“If you don’t give it a fresh piece of dung then it kind of sits in the corner and looks at it. Like, they have to have fresh poo and certainly in my household I got a lot of that,” Tom Cruise said about his dung beetle, who he affectionately calls Katie.
Looks like pot bellied pigs are out this season and dung beetles are the new must-have celebrity pet.
George Clooney gave up his chihuahua for a bungle of dung beetles and says he’s even looking into getting some more so he can have a whole colony.
“They [the U.S. Federal Reserve] have been artificially raising the Ponzi scheme economy and stock market for awhile now but as everyone knows, bubbles burst in the end, and N. Korea will be a perfect catalyst. Why do you think the U.S. got the U.N. to put extra sanctions on them, they’re baiting them so that they eventually crack?” Professor Karl Hoover, one of the expert policy researchers at the ‘Fiscal Union Centralized Kinetic Economic Department’ think tank revealed, Wednesday.
The research has come to the conclusion that Iran has played the game very well because they were also being baited by the USA but N.Korea shows all the symptoms of being a better candidate to provoke into attacking the West.
America needs another catalyst, this time for introduction of mass human Obamacare microchipping, digital only currency and the drastic redistribution of wealth.
“After the Dow Jones falls by 93% fast, there will be complete societal breakdown, Martial Law, and people who bought gold will not be able to sell it or do anything with it as they will have it either confiscated by the state, or worse still robbed and killed for it. If you have food stores, that will be the most valuable commodity available so you better be hidden with your food because if you are discovered by the roaming starving hordes they will rip you to pieces with their bare hands to get that food,” the professor added.
N. Korea’s insane reactions to America’s provocations are also mirrored with the ridiculous overreaction by the Americans sending half their fleet off to the Korean peninsula.
“We needed a bogeyman and we don’t care, N.Korea or Iran, we will use them to bring in more draconian controls on the population. This is war, beautiful Industrial Complex war, which was planned many years ago and means the death of America and introduction of the new one world global government,” a source from the Pentagon revealed.
“I used to have two kidneys,” Kincaid Lamarr, 34, a man who went for a routine in-grown toenail operation and came out with one less kidney via Obamacare.
Viewing figures have skyrocketed since the first series started in February and the new series is going to start April 15.
The ‘Obamacare Hospital’ series is sometimes harrowing with scenes that show the reality of socialised healthcare and how it can affect peoples’ lives.
Series one episode four shows the Obamacare Pathway where elderlies are killed off without the permission of their relatives by withholding food, medicine and water mirroring NHS techniques from Britain. Along with numerous sex changes and overcrowded hospitals, doctors are few and far between in Obamacare Hospital.
“You rarely get doctors in the show because they all left when it was introduced. As for medicine, forget about that, it’s too expensive to implement in any Hospital,” a nurse on one of the overcrowded wards says in the first episode.
Series two of the show will air on April 15 on HBO
“Essentially we remove unnecessary organs from your body so that you will be thinner and lighter however much you eat. For example, take out a lung, maybe a kidney, half your liver and the majority of your intestines and you are guaranteed to lose weight and be lighter. In some patients we have seen drastic weight loss although they did not live long enough for us to conduct more tests on the efficacy of the weight loss system,” the doctor told the American Medical Journal.
The new diet was leaped on by overweight stars like Roseanne Barr, Oprah Winfrey and Rosie O’donnell who have sung its praises.
“I was taken to a medical facility in Beverly Hills where they removed my gallbladder, one kidney, one lung, and had my pancreas taken out. I went in in the morning and was out by 2pm it was incredible, they even showed me what they took out in a bucket on the floor of the operating table. Dang, I couldn’t believe all that stuff was in me no wonder I was so heavy, I’m sure glad it’s all out,” the now svelte talk show host Rosie O’donnell told CBS’s Morning Show.
The fashion industry has been using the doctor’s organ removal services secretly for years with models fed up of snorting cocaine all day long.
Even former glamour model Katie Price has asked Dr Lisswowski’s assistance to remove her brain but after extensive cranial scanning he could not locate it. She has since opted for her humungous basketball silicon breast implants to be reduced slightly.
Michelle Obama is also pushing her husband to include the Organ Removal Diet to be covered by Obamacare.
Tanya Turlington, a woman’s diet activist has spoken out against the organ removal diet and suggested a reliable diet resource that could instead help with losing excess weight without surgery.
“People need all of their internal organs, so please folks don’t get them taken out just so you can look like a size zero,” she told Woman’s Weekly magazine.
Next week an expose on the Beverly Hills Skeleton Removal Diet
“Here is a man who personifies what Labour is about. Before he went to prison for murdering his six children, he would get £60,000 in benefits per annum to spend on booze, fags, gambling and playstations. The Philpott household had two mega size flat screen TVs, hundreds of the latest gadgets and this man lived like a king whilst being serviced by his two welfare women. His 17 benefit bred children were given barely any food and were given single items of clothing for the whole year. Their sole purpose was to be bred for benefits,” local Labour election campaigner, Jenny Arson, told the BBC.
Labour leader, Ed Miliband was joyous about the announcement: “I am very happy to see that Mick Philpott has been made the new face of Labour at the next election. We want to give the message that if you vote for us you can live a lifestyle of no work, plentiful booze, sex, drugs and fags and all the mod cons you ever wanted all paid for by people who work for you. All you have to do, as our core voting group, is vote Labour again and we will increase your benefit payments when we come back into power. The system has been made to create Labour voters and we must not spoil that.”
Ms Swift flew out to the capital city of North Korea two days ago and was met at the airport by Kim Jong Un who took her to his palace in Pyonyang.
There are rumours on the internet that this could be a ploy to soften up the nuke crazed dictator and Swift could actually be a CIA agent.
“The Central Intelligence Agency knows what a great fan Kim is and I’m sure they’re monitoring his internet use. Taylor Swift is very well known in male circles around the world and she has been around the block like thirty or forty times, so sleeping with Kim Jong Un will be easy for her. Either she stops him nuking the world, or she’s going to write a great friggin’ song about her experience of how Kim is such a jerk,” Moshe Cohen, her manager told MTV.
On Sunday the hot temptress Swift and Kim were seen inspecting a dog meat processing factory on the outskirts of the capital city and accordiing to North Korean state television the dictator plans to show her around some missile silos later on this week.
“The world’s fate is in the hands of Taylor Swift, so she better be good with those slender fingers of hers,” a spokesman from the CIA told Reuters today.
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