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Do You Have a Case of IDS?

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“We’re getting loads of people coming in day in day out saying they’ve got a bad case of the IDS. It’s putting a real strain on our surgery,” local GP, Dr. Narayan Bungolawa, told the Manchester Post.

According to NHS officials IDS is caught when people go to their local benefits office to sign on.

“It’s an irrational fear that IDS will take away their benefits or Job Seekers Allowance. We’re also getting a lot of disabled people with IDS and pensioners too. It’s a very sad condition and can severely impair one’s thought processes,” an NHS worker revealed to the BBC.

Doctors have warned that IDS is quite contagious and there is no cure for it.

World War II Was Fought For Nothing

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“We won the battle in 1945 but we’ve lost the war in 2013. David Cameron is set to give the UK away soon,” Gerald Arkwright, 90, a veteran of World War II, who fought on D-Day told the Daily Mirror.

One only has to look at the grip of death the EU has on the UK to see the damage on its sovereignty, economy, its laws and its society.

“EU regulations now dictate everything in Britain. You can’t swing a cat without some faceless unelected EU bureaucrat telling you you have to pay a fine. The hospitals are creaking with poor EU migrants, our jobs have all been taken and our schools are going under with the massive influx. The EU Human Rights laws are abused by ruthless money-grabbing lawyers so we can’t even deport foreign convicted criminals and terrorists from our own land. Our grandfathers fought and died for nothing because I just have to look around the overcrowded streets to see that,” an angry Briton said from his trolley in a hospital corridor.

Duke of Edinburgh Denies Queen Gave Him Black Eye

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Prince Philip, 91, said he did not fall on the Queen’s handbag when she was swinging it around.

The duke earlier joked that he did not want any moose pie or a lumberjack uniform whilst he presented a new ceremonial flag to 3rd Battalion, The Royal Canadian Regiment, in Toronto. He is the regiment’s colonel-in-chief.

He then told the assembled Canadians: “At least you’re not Americans.”

Hundreds of people gathered to watch the military ceremony which featured parachutists and rappel teams racing down the side of a building.

He told troops that “in a world where there is so much senseless violence, like even in one’s own bloomin’ palace, the regiment has an enviable reputation for peacekeeping. Maybe I should get you to sort Lizzie out”.

The Queen is known to have a vicious temper, and one time hung Prince Charles up by his ears with clothes pegs when he was 12 because he did not feed her corgis on time.

“I’ve had to live with her for years. I’m a vicious brute myself, but next to her I’m nothing,” the duke later quipped.

Oil Rich Iraq Gases People U.S. Invades, Non Oil Rich Syria Gases People No U.S. Invasion

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“Iraq had the world’s second largest oil reserves, Afghanistan is very resource rich, so we invaded, but Syria is a different story. They just don’t have anything there,” U.S. State Department employee, Giles Hanson, told CNN.

Obama was emphatic yesterday that there will not be any U.S. invasion of Syria.

“What’s in it for us? Plus we’re scared of the Russians,” he said from the golf course in Washington DC.

America is the largest oil user in the world and its appetite cannot be sated by Syrian barren resources.

New Satellite Images Show Japan Glowing in the Dark From Space

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NASA spokesman, Geoff Kukovich, spoke about the amazing pictures today at a press conference.

“Even though the pictures were taken whilst that side of the earth was in darkness, Japan is seen to be glowing bright green. It proves our worst fears are probably true about the extent of radiation emanating from the unfortunate country.”

The Japanese people are very resilient and have lived through incredible hardship over the centuries, and they will surely shrug off this rather radioactive episode as they have done many times before.

“The high levels of radiation that are leaking from Fukushima right now have their advantages. For example if I lose my sushi in a darkened room, I can see it clear as day, even in a closed fridge,” Satsumi Kendo, a physics student from Tokyo told Japanese state radio today.

Music Biz Tears as SLJ, THP, FVF and WSX Split

“We feed the public with enough shit and they eventually see it as normal,” the music executive for Warner Bros. music told Entertainment Weekly.

The sadness felt has however been dampened because music executives have created twenty more faceless banal boy band and girl band acts to complement the vacuum left in the music biz.

“It’s not just a question of cross-collateralization, we have to sometimes adjust the template to increase sales even further. SLJ split so we created DXG,” another executive explained.

Apple Develops iChopping Board

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Speaking at the product’s unveiling today, Apple CEO, Tim Cook, said: “The iChopping Board is going to revolutionise the way people chop their food in the kitchen. We can safely say that this product is the best thing since sliced onion.”

The innovative device even detects what you’re chopping on it and gives you tips on what to cook.

Retailing at $3,500 a pop this new Apple gadget is sure to chop up your wallet too.

“When Apple announced the iChopping Board, I practically wet myself,” a not very good cook, but Apple fan said.

Queues will certainly be streaming around Apple stores worldwide when the new gadget is released in June.

Apple’s share price rose by 0.02% on the announcement.

MIT Supercomputer Developed to Write Daily Squib Stories

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MIT Professor Miles Ermhearst developed the supercomputer using state-of-the-art materials which took over fifteen years to develop.

“This is definitely not a Commodore 64, we’re talking major calculations that try to emulate the genius of the Squib. The AI is astounding, and we did our research by travelling to the Squib’s office in London to find out if we could replicate the AI. We did not find much intelligence there, but the pub run was great. Never been so drunk in my life.”

The amount of data crunched by the supercomputer is enormous, and unlike Daily Squib writers who usually write ideas on pieces of toilet paper or napkins, this computer does everything digitally without any unsightly stains.

“People don’t appreciate the time and effort it takes to produce a crappy satirical article on the internet. I mean you’ve got to play a game of pool, maybe some Playstation, have a drink then procrastinate for awhile longer. By that time, it’s time to go home and get bladdered with a takeaway curry and some tinnies. It’s a very delicate job. This computer replicates all of these elements and more,” Mr Ermhearst added.

The entire Daily Squib staff were sacked by text today and are now down the local doing what they do best.

Newly Released Top Secret Files Reveal Adolf Hitler Was a Ginger

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“He would have to dye his hair black every day in case anyone realised he was actually a ginger haired dictator. I don’t think it would have given him much of an air of authority, and he certainly would have been teased for it, so he got special hair dye which was mixed by unfortunate Jews in concentration camps,” senior archivist, Dr. Gunther Hasseltroffe, told German news agencies.

The secret is finallly out after all these years and Hitler must be turning in his grave, although no one knows where that actually is.

“Only Eva Braun would have known about it. She would have to administer the dye in secrecy every night, but during the last days when the Fuhrer was in his bunker, they nearly ran out and had to use black shoe polish,” Dr. Hasseltroffe, further revealed.

Moshe Rosenberg, 89, was one of the black dye mixers at the Auschwitz concentration camp in 1942.

“The Kommandant would come in and they said we had to make a special dye for a very special man. When the guard was not looking naturally we would urinate and shit in the pot. Maybe some spit. They said they wanted Jews to do it, so we sure as hell gave him a good hair dye. I only learned recently that it was for the Fuhrer and to tell you the truth, I had the biggest smile on my face, Gilda my wife wondered what was up with me. Unfortunately, many Jews died making the dye because if you didn’t mix it fast enough, the Nazi guards would shoot you in the head.”

The course of history could have been changed completely if Hitler had not dyed his hair. No one in their right mind would have taken him seriously and he would have been laughed off the stage in Nuremberg.

Think Tank: Boston Bombings Not Quite Pearl Harbour/911 Event

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“The use of easily controlled youth who have multiple personalities via trauma based mind control techniques and skilled dissociation is very well documented. These patsies are easily controlled by their controllers and their alters can be triggered quite easily. Furthermore, impressionable teenagers and children can easily be manipulated with the ruse of religion, especially radical Islam to achieve atrocities that will incite terror in the populations and thus green light certain laws that have come up against obstacles within the country. The mind naturally creates amnesiac filters when there is trauma/abuse, therefore the controllers of these two impressionable boys most certainly created split personalities, on many levels, with some parts of the mind not registering the other parts. This is why they could lead seemingly normal lives amongst others, but once their controllers triggered the alter and deadly part of their mind, they obeyed their masters perfectly,” professor Lewis Edelweiss, revealed in a recent journal on the subject.

Conspiracy theorists have been having a field day with the Boston bombers because there is so much information being released by certain agencies, and at times it is not clear who is releasing the well-timed snippets. Many of the ‘conspiracy theorists’ active on the internet are probably fronts for certain agencies, who bring forth predictive thoughts onto the public. They utilise fear to sell survivalist products and are fully protected by the government.

Trauma based mind control is used in every government agency, and military institution. Consider the fact that to become a soldier, the army first completely breaks your personality down, then they rebuild it for their own needs. No soldier can ever break away from their training because of the effective mind control technique that embedded it into their minds. A soldier has to obey their orders and because of their training they do so without question. The CIA utilise similar techniques with their operatives, and even regular policemen are indoctrinated to some level.

Jamestown Zbigniew Brzezinski

“The two boys who were brought down, and purportedly carried out the atrocities in Boston, were completely under the control of an agency probably within the United States because they would have to be guided and have their alters triggered by their controllers,” the professor added.

By using people who are sympathetic to Islam is a method of throwing the public off the trail and also engendering patriotic American feeling. Even if someone is being mentored under the ruse of religion, they do not know the people higher up the echelons of power who are really pulling the strings. Consider how America is supporting the Syrian rebels against Assad, who are mainly Al Qaeda affiliates. The next few days/weeks/months will reveal the true masters of this operation because there will most probably be more laws inhibiting freedom brought into the United States. If they had used white right wing Christian European stock Americans then it would have been too obvious. They must always use an external source to implement internal changes and also additionally add a patriotic slant to proceedings. The target for gun control is the white working class Christian right wing gun owner.

“Obama was all for ‘change’ and he will achieve it through any means possible. One must also take into account that everything is now geared towards disarming the American population. All media, politicians, agencies and the population will be utilised to bring change to the Second Amendment. Public outcries, pictures of blood on pavements, gratuitous shots of limbs strewn everywhere are things that people cannot ignore. These shots were released to the public in all the gory detail for a reason. They smack you in the face, and tell you that you and your children are not safe. Who’s going to step in? The state, will tell you that the guns and gunpowder utilised in bullets are not something that should be freely available to the public,” Ron Eraldite, another key researcher in the think tank revealed.

As more details are released selectively and in a timely manner, there will possibly be details about how these pressure cooker bombs were made. If they were made with reloading powder as some anonymous poster claiming to work for a government agency revealed. They will possibly find NRA booklets and other items relating to easily acquired guns in America. This will further demonise American civilian gun owners and the lobbies that protect gun ownership. The role of the Democrats is to weaken the powerful gun lobbies so that there is a massive public outcry against them. Then the job of dismantling them through division will be easier.

“Once the gun owners are made to feel dirty by the majority herd mentality, then it is game over for the second amendment. There’s nothing they can do to stop the law taking their guns. Sandy Hook, Aurora, Boston, are all indicators that the push for a total ban on civilians holding firearms is very close. All the perpetrators were under psychiatric control and they, much like soldiers in a war were ordered to carry out their tasks without question. Their minds were split into many different compartments, not aware of the other existing, they were implanted with orders and then once they carried out their sordid deeds, they were either taken into secure locations or killed. They are the property of the state, because their actions immediately create a reaction bringing in multiple laws,” the professor revealed.

No external war now, just internal for America. The wars in Afghanistan and Iraq had nothing to do with 911 yet millions of Americans believe it did.

The reaction to Boston will bring more clues, so keep watching this space.