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Comrade Obama Warns Britain NOT to Leave Union of Soviet Socialist Europe

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“Britain must not leave the USSE or this could ruin the 5-year collectivisation plan for redistribution of all capitalist wealth and property. I have spoken to Comrade Cameron, and Commissar Clegg and they have assured me that once they’re finished with Britain, all private ownership of property will be erradicated and there will be full assimilation with the Soviet European Union,” Comrade Obama told the USSSA state news service yesterday.

There is a great fear from the former United States that Britain could somehow break away from the Soviet Socialist European project and gain freedom and democracy.

“Once we abolish all property, we will increase our global stranglehold over the capitalist swine outposts still holding out. Let the ruling classes tremble at our communist revolution. The proletarians have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Workingmen of all countries, unite!” Comrade Obama shouted to cheers from the state controlled news crews.

Cameron: “Darling, Will You Please Pass the Olive Oil Jug”

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The Prime Minister looks blissfully relaxed during a break taken with his family.

“I think the PM is taking chillaxing to whole new levels,” a member of the opposition Labour party said on Sunday.

During his three week stay, the PM and his family will stay at a luxury villa provided by one of his Old Etonian pals, enjoying the luxurious swimming pool, promenades and excursions around the island.

“Frankly, I don’t blame Dave for taking time off, there’s nothing more ghastly than a few beheadings all over the place, and then you’ve got the awful chavs bringing out their flowers and messing up the pavements with all their hystrionics. Its all gone a bit Diana if you ask me,” a Tory insider revealed.

Everyone Should Chip In to Buy Shariah Law Loving Muslims One Way Tickets to Middle East

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“If you don’t want to live in the UK and hate everything about this place including, the people, the religion, the culture, then why are you here? If you want to live in a Shariah Law country where you can be stoned to death for the smallest infraction please do. That’s why we’ve set up the One Way Ticket fund,” Julius Timpany, the founder of the charity told the BBC.

The One Way Ticket fund will repatriate people who are opposed to every form of traditional British life.

“Some of these people are born and bred in certain enclaves within Britain but cannot even speak English and hate every aspect of our culture. We’re English not tribal Muslims who aspire towards the strict Shariah form of Islam. If you want to live in Shariah countries, please go ahead, but leave the English to live their lives and do not impose your extreme views on our lives. Muslims never had a Renaissance, and even though most cultures around the world have developed it seems some people are still living under Medieval laws. We’ve already gone through the witch burning stage and religious persecution stage, maybe Islam needs to move on too. If you don’t like it here, why not go back to where you feel more comfortable and leave us to live our lives however way we please?” Mr Timpany added.

Cop Says He’d Be Out of a Job If No One Committed Any Crimes

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“I was walking my beat, and thinking about my pension payoff when I had an epiphany. I just stopped in my tracks and thought, if there were no criminals or people in trouble, I’d be out of a job. I just thought to myself, this is incredible, because nothing happened up until 3pm when I was called to a robbery at a Brooklyn bodega. I was so relieved about the incident and my colleagues and I arrested the robber. Jeez, I had a big smile on my face, as I started shooting the tires from the getaway car, phew, and after we caught the robber, I thanked him,” Officer Dean Gonzalez revealed to local TV news networks.

Many cops are glad that there is crime because if there was none, they’d be out of a job.

This feeling of uselessness without crime seems to afflict many cops from all over the country and the world.

Julius Marquez, an LAPD officer, said: “I don’t know what I’d do without crime. I really can’t do anything else apart from being a cop. I’d probably be unemployed or on Skid Row. Hell, I’d probably be tempted to commit crimes myself so at least some officers could keep their job.”

Michelle Obama Says America’s Insects Need to Diet Immediately

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The First Lady admitted that President Obama liked to tease their own pet cockroach, “Eric” for being lazy, but that they encouraged him to get out of the White House kitchen sometimes and at least walk in the hall a bit.

“Insects are no different,” Michelle Obama explained to the nation during her speech. “You want to make sure they are eating a balanced diet, and if they are not an active insect, make sure that their food is reflective of an inactive insect and then get them out there and running all over your food or whatever you have lying around.”

The First Lady added that it was important to “worry about every member of our family.”

Cameron: “We Support Al Qaeda in Syria But Not in UK”

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“Just like the United States supported Al Qaeda during the Afghanistan war against the Russians, so are we supporting the Al Qaeda rebels in Syria against Assad. But let me make this clear, er..we don’t want them beheading people in the UK please, so kindly stop that..okay. You can do it in Syria or some other god forsaken place but not in civilisation,” Mr Cameron said shrugging his shoulders during the Number10 announcement to the press.

The chillaxer in chief, who was instrumental in destroying Libya, then went on to say that there is no hypocrisy involved with the UK and US’s actions and everything is just fine.

As with the Boston bombers in the US who were feted by the FBI, so too were the Woolwich killers by MI5.

Mayor, Boris Johnson chimed in later: “There is no need to worry folks. Just please get back to watching the X Factor and Kardashians. You do not need to think about anything serious or troubling. Just don’t venture South of the river, that’s all. Never been to Sarf London myself and I’m the bloody London Mayor, innit.”

Cannes: The Silent Jewel Thief, Review

“Gadbois’s film is three hours long, and the only problem with that running time is that by the time I had finished watching it, I had been robbed blind. Not only had my 24,000 Rolex disappeared into the ether but the lady next to me had lost her expensive necklace worth a whopping 650,000. Even so, we all stood up and applauded as the credits rolled. What’s a little theft here or there, when you have such wonderful entertainment. We all felt as if we had participated in the cinematic extravaganza itself,” film critic, Rob Loutrec told Movie News International.

The Silent Jewel Thief’s plot revolves around a film festival where drugged up and drunk luvvies and directors, as well as producers, get so caught up in themselves and their projects that they have all their expensive possessions stolen from under their noses by an expert jewel thief, Guillaume, who falls deeply in love with one of the actresses he steals from. The film was funded purely by jewel robbery and even the director was robbed on the final night of showing.

“I’ve been robbed blind, but I made a great film. I can now go back home to Paris and be robbed by Francois Hollande even more. C’est merveilleux,” the film’s director Guy Gadbois told French news channels.

NHS Boss Dies of Thirst in Hospital

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The former NHS boss was in the Mid Staffordshire hospital and died a lonely death amongst soiled bed sheets today.

“I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for that shister, but it must have been a pretty lonely death,” a former patient at the deadly hospital told the BBC.

There wasn’t much sympathy from the thousands of patients who have suffered ordeals at the hands of some of Britain’s worst crumbling hospitals.

The former head of the NHS had recently quit the top job and received a £1.9m pension pot which he was waiting for to come through in his bank account.

New Saudi Arabian App Tells You When and Where the Nearest Beheading is

The app is available on iPhone and Android smartphones and is a useful tool to help Saudis get to their nearest execution site on time. It comes with a handy map and even tells you the countdown to the nearest beheading so you don’t miss the action.

“I was driving through traffic one day and I heard on the radio that I had just missed a beheading downtown. I was furious, because if I had known at what time and the exact location of it I would not have missed the Medieval practice so that’s how I came up with the idea for the app,” Ahmed Salah, the creator of the app told local news stations.

The Saudi Beheading app has already received a massive following with over 2 million downloads just in one week.

“Now if I’m out shopping, all I have to listen out for is the sound of sharpening knives, which is the signal that there is a beheading soon to happen close by. I haven’t missed one since I downloaded this app, Allah be praised,” Mahmoud Jabar, a member of the Saudi Royal family told local news reporters from his Lamborghini before speeding off to catch the next execution.

Muslims Hold Peaceful Protest

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“We’re promoting happiness, peace and prosperity for everyone in the world,” Ibn Ali Mukhtar told the BBC.

As the crowd of Muslims travelled through Trafalgar Square they threw flowers in the air and sang joyful songs about happy things.

“I want to shake your hand sir, and yours madam. Have a nice day and smile because it ain’t all that bad really,” another Muslim said whilst holding a placard denouncing violence.

Even the police men and women danced to the songs along the way and one Muslim woman tore off her head covering sheet and squealed in delight that she was free.

The event passed peacefully and at the end of the protest everyone present was given a nice piece of chocolate cake.

The group of peaceful Muslims