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How Simon Cowell Creations Are Dominating Music Charts

“He saved the Biz. Without Simon Cowell, there would still be people out there actually singing songs,” Bobby Guccione, a former A&R man at Arista Records told Music Week magazine.

Cowell was recently in the UK to promote his latest talent D4NNY.

“This some deep shit. When I heard this song I knew the deep message was there. Anyone who hears this song will not be able to get it out of their heads for at least a day. That’s what I’m looking for in an autotune song however terrible or bad it is,” Cowell said.

The song has already leaped to Number 1 in the charts and sold a massive 23 records which is the requirement to get to Number 1 position these days.

 

Without Cowell’s influence the songs in the charts would now not be delivered solely with autotune. This is a remarkable achievement in music software promotion and has truly dominated all genres of music.

“There’s only one genre of music now. Crap. And I’ve made millions from that,” Cowell said from his multi-million pound yacht in Montecarlo.

EDL Trip to Africa Cancelled This Year

“The trip is one of the requirements for joining our racist organisation. We like to have an expedition every year to see where humans originated from. You see we all came from Africa, and we as humans are all the same really irrespective of colour or creed. Even though the EDL is racist to the bone, we know deep down that over thousands of years of human migration and breeding our skin tones adapted to our surroundings. As for England, most English people are descended from the Normans and I think we’re all kind of French, with a little bit of German, Spanish, Dutch, Viking and all sorts. Even our Royal family is from the German, Saxe-Coburg Gotha and Hanover House, ” Lee Jagger, the EDL spokesman told the BBC.

Looks like EDL members will have to wait for next year for their educational trip. Until then they will have to content themselves by scowling and grimacing at demonstrations and vowing to “kill all non-whites and muzzies in England”.

No.10 Rocked by Secret Love Affair

“This could have serious repercussions for the whole country and not only that the partners of the people involved in the secret love affair,” a Downing Street insider revealed.

Many in the country already had an inkling about the special relationship and on social networks tongues were buzzing about the torrid love/hate relationship.

“Why’s Dave so into gay marriage?” one twitter user asked.

Another social networker said: “I know who they are but I’m not telling, but here’s a clue, one of them like’s to cry a lot and the other one’s mouth resembles an arse because the amount of bull shit that comes out of it.”

Will Smith and Son Battle CGI Monsters For Three and a Half Long Hours

“Watching this movie is like getting a dianetics lobotomy in a room with a big blue screen behind you,” someone who walked out of the movie early revealed.

The latest blockbuster Will Smith film will have you on the edge of your seat for nearly four hours as you choke back the tears from your f*cking eyes in disbelief that you have been conned so badly into paying to watch it.

A film executive behind the film said: “That’s part of the joy of this movie, because we filmed it all on a computer at minimal cost and took your money so we can live the high life with sh*t loads of amazing broads and coke. We hope you enjoy the movie as much as we enjoyed it.”

Scottish Scientists Invent the Secret to Immortality

“We don’t believe in cryogenic freezing because that’s a little too complicated and a wee bit expensive. Our solution is very simple. We batter you. We’re not talking about the usual violence, we mean we coat your entire body in batter much like one of our staple foods, the battered mars bar, and we find this preservation technique is almost as effective in preserving humans as any other modern scientific method,” Angus McMumford, chief scientist at Larry’s Fish Fry shop in central Glasgow demonstrated on Saturday.

Hundreds of people are now flocking to the Glasgow Batter Hibernian (GBH) research centre to be battered and preserved for the next few centuries.

One man who went up to Scotland recently got something he did not plan on.

“I went to Glasgow and asked if I could be battered. Look at my eye sockets and bloody nose,” Nigel Farage, the English leader of UKIP told the Daily Mail.

Top Exorcist Claims He Rid World of 160,000 Demons From His Own Mind

Father Alfonso Jimbob, 51, who also heads the International Association of Exorcists, told The Sunday Times that he will ask Pope Francis to allow all priests the right to do exorcisms on their own minds without the church’s approval. According to the report, priests currently need special approval from their bishop to perform the rite or someone higher up from a bishop or even higher up in the hierarchy higher than the bishop bishop bishop.

“I will ask the pope to give all priests the power to carry out exorcisms, because we create these delusions with our own minds and belief systems after centuries of brainwashing,” said Father Jimbob.

He explained that he was inspired to make the request after watching Pope Francis perform what he insists was an exorcism on a man “possessed by four imaginary demons” in St. Peter’s Square.

“This dude believed he was possessed by demons so I saw the Pope perform an imaginary ritual on someone who believed what he was experiencing was a demonic possession. This is my world view and the view of many Catholics around the world. It’s kind of dangerous that we’re actually walking around huh?”

Father Jimbob then went on to say: “If I believe something with all my heart and soul, then it must be true huh? I just saw some demons jump into that ice cream truck over there. Like I saw it with my own eyes..jibber, jibber, jabber..whoop..whoop!”

These events all actually happened.

Obama: “You Still Got Four More Years of Me”

“Congress and the Senate can try all they want to stop me, it ain’t gonna happen because time and time again, I will keep on the Obama agenda. I am Ob the almighty powerful, and no goddamn tin man, cowardly lion or scarecrow is match for my army of flying Obamamites,” the president said from the Hawaiian sunshine.

With 5-year-old children being arrested on school buses for bringing in 2cm long toy soldier guns and checkpoints every 100 yards across the country, Obama has certainly made an effort for Change.

“We’re pumping the stock market with fake money so it goes so high, I don’t think people will know what hits them when the bottom falls out. Let’s look at the fundamentals here, half the country is on food stamps and Medicaid. Obamacare is lifting up your healthcare costs by as much as 150% in some parts of the nation, and remember folks, by law you have to buy it. Jobs? Hell yeah, if you want a job shining hubcaps for $4.50 an hour let me see you feed your family on that? Drones up the ass, we got drones coming out of the woodwork, and surveillance of all your phone calls, internet, and all of your purchases. I don’t think in Stalin’s Russia they had so much surveillance. As for Gitmo, I lied about that too folks. Yep, it’s still open and we got goat herders from some desert in there who did nothing and have not even been charged. That place ain’t closing any time soon. As for the Brothers and Sisters of America, you’re all doomed because I don’t care about you. As far as I’m concerned you’re all lazy dumbasses with a ‘gibs me’ culture where you think everything is owed to you, I’m from Africa and I have a work ethic. My father was not a slave like yours, so keep up with the big chip on your shoulders, it don’t mean shit to me,” the president added as he was driven out for another golf session.

Bilderberg Food Fight Cost UK Taxpayers Millions

“Fo-o-o-o-d fight!” shouted Henry Kissinger as he tossed a blancmange that probably cost more to make than a year’s salary for an NHS nurse.

According to Bilderberg insiders, world and business leaders who met secretly at the annual Bilderberg convention had another food fight, and not only are UK taxpayers paying the price but the French head chef is furious.

“I spent three days preparing that food with the best ingredients for these monsters who secretly control the world, and here they are throwing my wonderful creations all over the place. C’est an outrage. Je quitte!” Michelin 5 star rated head chef, Michel Guarande revealed after the Bilderberg convention yesterday.

The expensive menu for the Bilderberg convention cost a whopping £8.9 million and consisted of such delights as Suprême de animelles rôti, endive caramelisée diarrhée, clémentine, sauce au thé au chien pisse and Salope poêiée, coques, lardons, purée de merde et essence au contribuable Anglais.

Woman Displays Ailments on Daily Mail Site

“When I look at a full page spread on a news site, I want to see varicose veins popping out all over the place and hear about the vagaries of living with multiple ingrown toe nails,” an avid Mail reader commented on the newspaper.

According to the rather gory photos displayed in lurid detail, the woman has to juice her legs five times a day and the local council even provides her with a bucket.

“I like to read the Daily Mail first thing in the morning when I’m chewing on my breakfast. Well, let’s just say I nearly brought up my black pudding as I was reading that article. How’s about you put some nice stories in the DM sometimes to counteract the torrent of stories about parking ticket injustices, geriatric lottery winners, local council issues and graphic pictures of people who have been beaten up by thugs?” article commenter, Darren from Warrington wrote on the site.

Don’t worry, there’ll be more of the same tomorrow, next week, next month, next year..ad infinitum.

“Now’s an Ideal Time to Bring in Snoopers Charter” the Party Says After Woolwich Killings

“The enemy is all around us. You must report your neighbours. Your children must report their parents for any indiscretion. You are all now being watched very, very closely and thanks to the Woolwich killing by some brainwashed young angry men, we will enforce the Snoopers Charter which we have been waiting to introduce for a while. It’s rather coincidental that these easily controlled killers were of course pawns in a much larger game. Who knows who was really controlling them? Islam got the blame, as in every other terror exercise, that religion is a very useful tool for our own needs. Remember, War is Peace, Freedom is Slavery and Ignorance is Strength,” a member of the Inner Party said yesterday from the Ministry of Truth.

Totalitarian Creep

The Inner Party source then added: “First we create the problem, then we create the reaction, and then we swan in with the solution. Remember we are doing this for your own safety. You are all guilty now and your every move will be surveilled and analysed. Social surveillance websites are already being used against the proles and we want to take your every Thoughtcrime and incriminate you at every juncture of your pathetic lives. Power is not a means; it is an end. One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution; one makes the revolution in order to establish the dictatorship. The object of persecution is persecution. The object of torture is torture. The object of power is power. We will have total power over the proles and we will utilise every weapon in our arsenal to achieve our goal. It is not enough to own your property, as it is the property of the Party, but we want to own your every thought, including your mind, body and soul. Remember, Sector 1 is not exempt from the revolution.”

The next step after the Snoopers Charter will be RFID chipping for the whole population. For your own safety, of course.