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Cheney Caught Torturing Waiter During Lunch Restaurant Visit

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“Dick ordered the veal and baby potatoes, then this vicious look came over his face. He took out this leather bag, and dipped into it to get one of his tools, I think it was a thumb screw,” one of Cheney’s guests at the restaurant recalled to CNN.

Cheney then proceeded to torture the head waiter behind the profiterole display, and diners enjoying their meals looked on with fright.

“What you gonna do, go up to the former vice president of the United States and tell him not to do that stuff? My wife and I just carried on eating even though the man’s groans were getting louder and louder. After Cheney finished, he got back to his chair, straightened out his shirt, smiled and put a load of food in his mouth,” Ed Bernstein, a retired proctologist told Fox5 news.

Turns out Dick Cheney and his party of eight got a free meal that day.

ISIS Now Rounding Up Middle Eastern Satirists

 

“We had four satirists in our village. ISIS came in the morning, told them that satire is haram and took them away. Now we don’t have any satire in our village, it’s quite a relief actually,” goat shepherd, Mahmoud Ibn Gazi told the Daily Akhbar news service.

ISIS spokesman Abdul Al-Bagdaddy has vowed to clean Arab lands of satire.

“Last night I had a vision of a heavily made up Chris Morris wearing a burkini talking jessop jessop jessop and imitating a wet flannel draped over a farting camel’s hump, I immediately got up from bed and started beating my slave monkey with a rubber ducky, three curling tongs, a sardine and an old bottle of Brut. That’s when I  started praying for 46 virgins to save me from haram, two minutes later, Jihadi John walks in wearing a little pink hat asking me if I used up all his grapes. This satire lark is getting out of hand, it’s making us do stuff we’ve never done before, innit.”

 

Employment Experts: Why Muslims Are Now Unemployable in West

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“We certainly would not acknowledge the practice, but employing someone with a name that is not Anglo Saxon or European and is Islamic in nature is a serious no, no. We just don’t want the hassle, not only do we hate Muslims but we fear them. What if they suddenly turn during employment, they are bombs waiting to go off at any second. Thanks to the actions of a few Islamic fundamentalists, all Muslims in the West are now tainted as potential terrorists. It does not matter how much they try to integrate, they’re still Muslims, you get fair skinned Muslims too, they’re even more dangerous to us because it just confuses us even more,” an employer who wished to remain anonymous revealed.

There are still some areas of London where Muslims like to flaunt their religion by wearing burqas and their assorted garments advertising their staunch belief system, however they are the brave ones, who have no hope of employment, are spat at on a daily basis and are hated with vehemence.

What is the solution to this ongoing problem? There is naturally a preponderance to follow the politically correct route, where there are smiles up front but not behind the scenes, it is a certainty that when at home or amongst trusted colleagues, the hatred for Muslims rages.

Religion is obviously the great divider of humans, and the only viable solution would be to eviscerate the different factions and unite the remaining human race under one banner, this could only be achieved after a massive culling.

“Deeply religious people are blind to other opinions, they are blind to different strands of thought, to literature, to factual scientific knowledge. The Jesus nut is just as bad as a the Islamic nut, because they cannot see beyond their blinkers, they have been programmed from an early age, they are immoveable. Which form of programming is the most efficient, Islamic or Christian? This is the one hundred million dollar question, where the Christian kills clinically utilising high technology from thousands of feet above, the Islamic kills from below brutally with a rusty blade. They both still murder and maim, but one is removed from the mess, and the other is so dedicated to their cause they can taken an old kitchen knife and do the dirty deed from anywhere. I would therefore say, the level of programming by the Islamic faction is infinitely more dangerous, because the Christians have to utilise high end expensive technology to kill, not every man or woman has access to that, whereas the Islamic person is capable of killing in any situation for their religion. Their programming from birth is infinitely more powerful than the rather loose Christian ideology, which allows more freedom of exploration of thought. The Islamic side, in this era, is more rigid and controlled, and any wavering of thought/speech/actions is punished with death,” an observer of religion told no one in particular.

You won’t find any comedians or entertainers joking about Islam in any way for a very good reason, as John Cleese mentioned recently. One can be jocular about Christianity but when it comes to Islam, there are no jokes..just death sentences. You certainly don’t want that if you’re on stage trying to make people laugh. The loss of humour, intellectuality and reasoning are the by-products of fundamentalism, where innovation, science and literature are thwarted, subdued and snuffed out like a candle in the darkest of nights.

And thus, we have the final curtain, where separation is an inevitable conclusion. For many there was never really a mixing anyway, but the untold story of division.

Breaking News: Queen’s Corgis Recovered After Kidnap Attempt

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CCTV footage published on Monday revealed an Asian couple may have been responsible for the outrageous theft of the Queen’s beloved canine companions.

Palace consort, Reginald Pithy, gave details of the frantic search that ensued after the royal corgis went missing.

“The palace’s dedicated dog feeder had already set out the food for each corgi. Pumpy enjoys only the freshest Almas caviar presented on wafer thin crackers, Tibber on the other hand goes for something less ostentatious and usually opts for the foie gras with a confit d’oignons et champagne, as for for Fayed, he just gets a boiled egg and a kick up the rump. Anyway, to cut a long story short, we couldn’t find the blasted animals anywhere. Called in the Coldstream guards, they searched the whole palace from top to bottom, absolutely nothing. Her Royal Highness let out a god awful scream when we told her.”

Luckily there was a tip off later on in the day at a Central London cafe and the matter was resolved. Her Majesty even attended the scene herself. The police are still searching for the corginappers and ask the public to be vigilant.

 

 

Breaking News: David Mellor Run Over by 14 Taxis

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The terrible accident occurred in Central London’s, Leicester Square, and Police are trying to piece together what happened.

“We are gathering eyewitness testimonies from numerous tourists who can’t speak English so this is obviously going to take a long time. There may have been additional cab drivers involved in the mishap and we are appealing for them to get in touch with the Metropolitan police. Our understanding is that after each taxi cab ran over Mr David Mellor, they accidentally reversed over him as well,” Inspector Todd Plebb, told the BBC.

Investigations are currently ongoing and if anyone has any further information about the incident don’t bother calling the Metropolitan police, they’ve got better things to do.

OPEC Chief Seen Guzzling Oil From Barrel

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Witnesses say the OPEC chief acted like a mad man as he dipped  into the barrel and scooped up vast amounts of raw crude oil drinking it in a dazed frenzy.

“Abdul, he needs his oil fix every day, but it’s getting worse, there’s so much of the stuff he can’t get enough. He went from one barrel to the next, the oil was dripping everywhere, even over his $30,000 alligator skin shoes. I saw the look on his face, it was crazy, and he was saying things like ‘this one’s for Russia, this one’s for America, and this scoop is for the Iranians, doomed, doomed, d-o-o-o-m-ed, eheheheh!’ I’ve seen some insane things in my life but this really took the biscuit,” an eyewitness at an oil refinery told local news stations.

Next stop $30 per barrel so more goodies for Abdul.

Russell Brand Already Bored of ‘Revolution’

“Russell Brand, the part-time revolutionary is so very bored, this talking and talking is so, so cumbersome and fatiguing to his flitting personality,” Brand’s agent Anoushka Melcham told PR Week magazine yesterday.

It is indeed boring talking about revolution yet doing nothing about it.

“I’m a talker, because it keeps me in the spotlight. If I don’t talk and talk and talk, I’m out of the spotlight that means I can’t say the multi-syllabic words I parrot to impress the pussy. Yeah, I’m in this for the women and the money, and like I’m a people’s champion you know. The women love me, I shag the little strumpets and harlots then move on to the next one. I’m a feminist. You can also call me the new Robin Hood but a very rich one who can’t use a bow or actually do anything. Oh this is so boring, I need to call up my agent to ask her what else I can do (snort),” Brand said from his luxury apartment’s jacuzzi whilst the celebrity revolutionary’s latest pickup, a woman with bubbling puss seeping herpes blisters around her mouth gave him a peck on the lips.

Brand’s next project after his revolution never happens is to find something else to talk about, a new cause or something, but it has to make a lot of money.

Sony Executives Adopting Rectal Rehydration Latest Hollywood Fad

 

“Yesterday I ordered more Rectal Rehydration kits from the CIA shop as we’re running out here. We need those kits pronto, the shit is streaming everywhere,” studio underling, Elaine Katzenjammer told Hacker Weekly magazine.

Wrecked

This is sure going to be an interesting studio Christmas party for the Sony executives, as ball and chainless president Obama himself is invited and that ‘spoiled brat minimal talent’ Angelina Jolie too.

Hollywood celebrities have also adopted the CIA rectal rehydration detox program en masse.

“It’s basically a reverse enema. They pump shit into you as opposed to out of you. What do you expect, we’re Hollywood, full of crap?” the extremely talented actor, Seth Rogan told Blockbuster magazine.

Junk Status Russians Back to Long Queues

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Russia’s Soviet era was not that long ago in the scheme of things, and as the West chips away at the Russian economy bit by bit, the long queues of the communist era are back.

“I have not eaten food for three days now and that’s how long I have been waiting in this queue for some bread and cabbage,” Katerina Babushka, 78, a retired factory worker from Siberia told the Grad news agency.

Apart from vodka, there is not much else to soothe the Russian people in their time of need. The oil prices are dropping daily, the Western sanctions increasing in numbers and voracity. With a nation such as Russia that has to import 80% of their produce and relies on revenue from oil and gas exports, the augurs do not bode well.

“The West is pushing Russia against a brick wall, and we all know this can be a very dangerous endeavour as a bear that is cornered with no way to go will eventually strike out. This is probably what the West wants, as they have shown the Russians post Berlin wall what Western capitalist riches look like, as soon as the Russians tasted it, the rug was pulled from under them. This strategy causes deep felt anger and could be a cause for conflict in the near future.

“If one analyses the aspirations and machinations of the European Union and the United States, you will see complicit meddling inside countries bordering directly with Russia. We must understand that these strategic buffer points between Russia and the West are key to global harmony, and to step over the line is tantamount to declaring war. The Russians gave a little taster of their displeasure of the EU tampering by annexing the Crimea. More is to come as sure as the snow falls over the Urals and the vodka pours in the glass,” strategic analyst, Harold Kempfer revealed in a recent article on Wall Street.

‘LibLabCon’ Film to be Released General Election Day

 

“What we have in this film are some amazing scenes of war, deception of the public, horror and the displacement and death of millions of people in the Middle East. It’s all thanks to stars like Brad Bliar, Arnold Cameronneger, Heinrich W. Bush, Dick Chainsaw, Ronald McRumfeld, Ed Mililiar, and a little yellow squirt who goes by the name of Nick Smeg.

“Cast your mind back fifteen years and you will see what has happened in the world, what atrocities these gentlemen have been party to, and you will realise that we’re living in a safer world now, a world where safety is terror, if you’re not terrified, you’re not safe. Remember that war is peace, and the perpetual war of terror is an endless road maiming and killing millions all on the behest of a few people in a room somewhere.

“This film will knock you out, lay you on the floor, and you may even do a little bottom burp or two when the final scene descends over you like a dark cloak of foreboding malice. Do not be afraid, it is simply the denouement, where all the players succumb to their plot line and reap the rewards of their harvest.

“No spoilers here mes amis, but consider this small enriching fact, if you build on debt upon debt upon debt, sooner or later the curtain is drawn and the tumultuous reality must thus be revealed.

“You may be poor, you may be rich, you may have a house in the country, you may send your kids to prep school, but war is the great equaliser, and total war is the merciless equaliser, where fighting in your local streets is a normal everyday activity.

“War is peace my friends, and think of the people who started all this war, they will be in their bunkers, they will be in their guarded chalets somewhere away from the cities (war zones) and they will be content, sleeping like babies at night, knowing of what they have done, without an ounce of compassion or conscience. Watch LibLabCon on election night, that is after you cast another useless vote which means you always get the same government you fucking plebs deserve every time, over and over, ad infinitum,” the film’s producer, Albert Cauliflower told Movie Weekly magazine.