17.7 C
London
Tuesday, December 30, 2025
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 533

New Year Asia Plane Tour Offer For Five Lucky Winners

1

The Daily Squib is offering five free tickets for a tour of South East Asia.

The itinerary will include trips to Indonesia, Malaysia, and somewhere else not designated yet.

The lucky winners will be wined and dined at the best hotels before the one way trip when they board an aeroplane starting with the letters MH or QZ.

Expectant competition winner, Arthur Pustule, from Braintree, Essex was excited about the once in a lifetime experience.

“I can’t wait to get on the plane and fly over the unlimited oceans of South East Asia. It’s a great thought to know that these aeroplanes are tracked by radar down to the millimetre. Nothing can possibly go wrong. I’ve packed my snorkelling and diving gear so that I’ll be prepared when we get to our final destination resting place.”

To win the Asia Plane Ticket Competition please answer this simple question. Where is the final resting place of flight MH370? a) Somewhere at the bottom of the Indian ocean b) Very, very deep under water somewhere in the ocean c) Where the fish swim deep in the vast ocean

Answers on a postcard to Missing Plane Comp Tickets, 370 Seabed Road, London, W6 SOS. Competition winners will be announced tomorrow. Employees of Malaysia Airlines or AirAsia are welcome to enter the competition, oh dear, they have to fly in those planes anyway? Aaaargh!

Sony Hacking: North Korea Shoots Back With Obama Monkey Racial Slur

2

 

President Barack Hussein Obama was called a “monkey in the jungle” by North Korean officials and posters of the esteemed president of the United States photoshopped as a monkey’s head were distributed across the communist nation on Friday.

“The level of North Korean photoshopping ain’t too bad,” a CIA imaging expert told CNN today.

Obviously with all this hacking going on, someone in North Korea was able to download a hacked version of photoshop cs5 and do some serious damage to the United States.

President Obama fired back after seeing the Obama monkey image today: “If I’m a monkey. Kim Jong-un is a pig. Is that childish enough for all y’all?”

Contact Lens Search at Berkeley Petrol Station Gets Out of Hand

0

 

“I was driving for Christmas eve, and I stopped at the Berkeley gas station. I’m going to Huntsville which is 65 miles away. That’s when the lens popped out and I was already late. I called in the fire department, state troopers and even my uncle Larry who lives three blocks away from the gas station,” Mr. Shabanaker told Fox7 news reporters on the scene.

The ensuing mayhem that greeted gas station attendant Joe Donluca, was astounding.

“I seen everything doing this job, but having three police forces, a fire department and other helpers looking for one contact lens on the floor really took me by surprise. Folks were stepping on heads, hands, bumping each other, one cop even fell over and let off a massive firework.”

All’s well that ends well. After only six hours of searching, the contact lens was discovered. It was a quick dust off and pop back in the eye situation before Mr. Shabanaker got on his way and completed his Christmas journey.

Eight Fun Facts You Probably Already Knew About Christmas

3

 

 

 

You probably know these points anyway but why not read on, you may have missed something in the past?

This list of fun Christmas facts was compiled by the Ancient Historians Institute based in Walthamstow, East London.

Eight Fun Christmas Facts

1. The Christmas tree represents fertility and regeneration, or in other words an erect phallus. From the erect penis comes all life, so please respect that fact and decorate the tree (obelisk) carefully but don’t rub it too much.

2. December 25th is a date which pre-dates Christmas or Christianity. It is the date Romans celebrated Saturn (Satan). The date represents the strengthening of the Sun’s light during the winter months.

3. Red Holly represents the Queen of heaven, or Diana according to pagan witches, and also is symbolic of a woman’s menstrual blood. The Christmas wreath made from holly is the vagina.

4. Christ Mass is a Roman Catholic creation and was only adopted by other Christian sects recently.

5. Jesus Christ is a composite creation of Horus, Tammuz, Krishna, Hesus, Nimrod. There are no known records that Jesus ever existed, which is interesting as the Romans were meticulous about record keeping. Even though European scholars have made reconstructions of Jesus’ life from reading the non-factual bible, there are no actual historical records to back up their stories.

6. The story of the great flood was written 3,000 years before the Bible in the Epic of Gilgamesh, an ancient cuneiform Sumerian text.

7. The Holy Trinity can be found in every religion, and was incorporated for the Christians when the new religion was invented by multiple writers.

8. Santa (Satan) likes material things a lot. He’ll give you gifts and money. He wants you to be addicted to shopping and receiving gifts. You won’t be happy unless you get a large amount of material objects to celebrate materialism and greed.

Seasons Greetings From Ferguson, Missouri

6

Tis the season to be jolly, as another dead Missouri, Berkeley, black kid, named Antonio Martin was left on the forecourt of a petrol station for hours after being gunned down by local police.

The fact that he allegedly pulled a gun on the police officer, who summarily executed the black teen, is neither here nor there, the current score board looks like: Cops 2, Blacks 2. It’s currently a draw.

Who is going to win the game? Will Obama, Sharpton and Holder make more speeches inciting further violence?

The Christmas eve gifts keep coming, and as the mistletoe rots on the dead corpses of some misguided violent ‘young people’ and executed cops, maybe it’s time to break out the eggnog and popcorn for some more Christmas cheer.

Breaking News: NASA Discovers Source of Methane Gas on Mars

3

The NASA space agency’s Mars rover had detected bursts of methane gas on the Martian surface last week.

Scientists were baffled to the source of the methane gas, which if found could reveal signs of life on Mars.

“We were really excited when the analysis of the Mars atmosphere found methane gas. We got our Mars rover to go all over the place to find the source of this gas. That’s when we got the pictures,” Ed Collins, chief scientist on the Mars project told CNN.

NASA received the pictures back last night, and are amazed. This confirms there is life on Mars, and could be a defining moment in human history.

The space agency is appealing to anyone who knows what the creature in the photo could be to contact the space agency with suggestions.

Obama and Holder NYPD Shooting: Finally We Got a Result

0

 

After months of  anti-White rhetoric by Obama and Holder, the U.S. has finally got a result with the execution of two NYPD cops.

President Obama couldn’t control a giggle when ‘condemning’ the cold blooded assassination of  two NYPD officers by a member of a black Marxist left wing group.

“Me and Eric we’ve been egging African Americans on for months now. Finally we got a result last night when one of our protégés decided to act on our words, and we got an NYPD shooting. I’m here in my Hawaii jacuzzi, sipping a drink, enjoying the sun streaming down, and I’m thinking to myself, it’s a beautiful Christmas feeling I’m getting right now. What’s really making me giggle though is you guys are paying for my umpteenth Hawaii trip, I don’t even know how much this thang cost the taxpayer, maybe $45 million, who knows? Anyway, I’ll be here for the next four weeks, have fun over there, especially in NYC,” the president, giggling like a deranged hyena, told MSNBC.

Tony Blair Refuses to Answer Questions Could be Waterboarded Says Home Office

0

 

A visibly sweating Tony Blair has emphatically denied that he has any knowledge of torture practised by the UK and US during the War of Terror.

Tony Blair Refuses

“I have no idea what you are talking about and refuse flat out to even answer any questions regarding the subject of torture or Rupert Murdoch’s former wife. I do not even know that woman and have never met her even once while Rupert was away on a business trip,” the former prime minister told a tribunal hearing.

Home Office secretary, Theresa May has ordered Tony Blair to be waterboarded until his memory comes back.

“Well, well, well, if he won’t admit it under normal conditions, maybe if we jog his memory a little. How about a bit of waterboarding or some electric shock treatment on his testicles? I have ordered Mr. Blair be detained in a secret location where he will be tortured until he admits the heinous things he has been up to.”

Russell Brand: Merry Christmas From Mayfair Film Partnership

2

Russell Brand and his banking chums are having a glorious Christmas thanks to being able to claim tax relief by offsetting the money they invested in the company shares against their income tax.

“Thanks to Russell Brand I’ve made some serious wonga. Better in my pocket than let’s say a nurse or some disabled loser on benefits,” a former RBS banker who invested in Brand’s film project railing against bankers told the Telegraph.

Former comedian, Russell Brand is now a revolutionary freedom fighter, fighting for er…ah, never mind, he’s too busy counting his dosh, off shore, on shore don’t matter. Old Russ is coining it with a little help of course from his banker friends.

Experts: Putin Could Be New Face of NWO

2

 

Dwight Lemelaker, chief researcher for the Global Hegemony think tank based in Washington D.C. revealed some insights into the current geopolitical debacle blighting the world at the moment.

“Consider the point that Putin and successive Russian leaders post-Perestroika were playing the globalisation game with the West, however, we all know that even at the highest summits of power, there is a highly honed sense of competition for the ultimate prize. Russia was cooperative with new world leaders up to a point, but then something clicked. Maybe it was a ‘Eh, we don’t actually need these guys anyway’ moment.

“Earth’s resources are finite, the population grows daily as limited resources dwindle. It is inevitable that there will be conflict over the remaining earth’s resources. With the massive increase in population growth, the human stock loses value, it is purely an oversupply issue. Globalisation in the West, is very much under way, however Russia and China have resisted on many tangents and variables, especially the influx of millions of outsiders into their borders. If one is to study Britain today, it is completely unrecognisable population wise to what it was twenty years ago. President Obama is now increasing globalist efforts in the United States and will bring millions more people from poor South American nations.

“Which faction will gain the NWO prize, or will there be a mutually assured destruction moment? To achieve results, it is always necessary to have push and pull factors, this way the overseers can construct carefully geared plans over the top of the theatrics. Distraction is key to rearranging chess pieces on the board, look at WW2, and how the global mass was rearranged and the United Nations/NATO were created.

“Time is running out and stops for no one, as sure as the climate changes, so the population of the planet grows and grows and grows, and the elites have no qualms about ramming a six inch blade into the back of another elite. There is no honour amongst those who want the ultimate prize for their people alone. Globalisation, especially in the West has been a great weapon in fracturing nations through vast influxes of people from elsewhere. This technique creates uncertainty, chaos, anger and fear, it destabilises indigenous populations. Russia and China resisted these techniques, and this is why they are being punished right now.

“The Russian black swan reaches for the skies, and this time, 2015 will be the final curtain for the house of cards denoting the Western banks. All Russia has to do is say it will not pay its debt to Western banks, citing a weak ruble. How about stopping all gas flow to NATO nations? A multi-tiered financial defence plan could reduce Western nations to mere cinders in a matter of days.

“Vladimir Putin most probably knows the plan, and even though Russia is being punished economically for not following the NWO, he knows that the world could be ruled completely by Russia one day, if he plays his cards right, the spoils could be all his. With a weak West, slow on movement, lazy and liberal, the time is now for Russia to move. Obama has shown how weak he is militarily and geopolitically, this is why Putin must act decisively with haste, and no mercy before the 2016 US elections and someone with actual balls becomes president.”