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New J.K. Rowling Film: Harry Schauble and the Voldemort Greek Cauldron

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Speaking about the film in Hamburg, the author said: “Harry Schauble gets in a bit of a bother when he is confronted by Voldemort, a radical Marxist spit shiner who starts to stir his cauldron rather viciously. Voldemort is the bane of Harry Schauble’s existence as he keeps on nicking the wheelchair bound wizard’s ingredients to put in a cauldron in order to make an almighty Greek potion of vileness. I shan’t give away the film’s plot all in one go, but we had a test screening in Berlin last week and the Germans were wailing in their seats, almost as if they’d seen Voldemort in the flesh.”

Harry Schauble and the Voldemort Greek Cauldron will open in Europe on Friday, tickets to see the film will be 12.4 billion each.

Spam News: Internet Turning into One Massive Listicle

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“We churn out literally 20,000 listicle articles every 45 minutes. These listicles are created using keyword analysis tools to determine how high our advertising revenue will be if someone clicks on the ads on each listicle. Our listicle spam floods the internet on a constant basis with inane, useless spam that ensures we gain ad revenue by spamming the search engines on a constant basis,” Gerard Blottnik, CEO for Buzzardfeed revealed in a recent listicle.

Buzzardfeed is currently one of the largest spam sites on the internet and is continuing to grow daily.

Why have quality when you can spam the whole internet with listicles making a killing with ad revenue.

“This is great, this is what the internet should be, a big listicle web of listicles. I read a great listicle amongst a thousand spammed at me in the search engines two minutes ago ’10 Ways to Cut Your Toe Nails On a Ski Lift’ I mean how informative is that? This is quality content, must read stuff, listicles, listicles, listicles, ooh someone please kick me in the listicles, listicles everywhere, spamming my mind, I got listicles comin’ out my listicles,” listicle fanatic, Miles Eduardo, an internet user from New York told Tech Wired magazine.

NSA: U.S. Tech Industry Enjoys China Renaissance of Nothing

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Marcus Trebor, CEO to Silicon Valley tech company, G-Tech has been overwhelmed by no demand for his high end computers and software from China.

“Before the NSA revelations that they put spying software into all computer firmware, we were selling to all of China (1.4 billion people) , and now we sell absolutely shit all to the Chinese. Not even a goddamn USB cable. We estimate our loss of business to be in the region of $4.6 billion per year.”

How much have the NSA spies cost the whole U.S. tech industry?

Obama official, Fred Finkel, is not too bothered about the loss of business to the American economy.

“There can not be an estimate on the loss of business we have caused the U.S. tech industry. Hell, like trillions and trillions of dollars. The actual amount is incalculable but we’re really proud of our record for U.S. business. Thanks to us, the U.S. economy is going to lose hundreds of trillions of dollars. It’s all down to Obama and the NSA so Americans need to thank him for his great work in destroying the economy through spying. It’s all part of the plan that Obama set out when he came into power. The wholesale destruction of commerce, destruction of healthcare, destruction of rights, freedom and most of all destruction of everything that is American. That’s Obama’s job and he has done a great service. No terrorist in a million years could have damaged America more than Obama. Barry’s gonna be real sad when he leaves office. He loves the destruction, destroying America bit by bit, what fun, you know after the power goes, he might get a little crazy or something, maybe beat on Michael, give him a black eye, then again Mikey might fight back, he’s taller than Barry, jeez, it could get messy.”

Russia has already cancelled any business with America, as have most of South East Asia but there is even more good news on the horizon, er..

Experts: FTSE 100 Up Now But Labour Win Will See 70% Drop

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“Be prepared to see your pension value drop by over 80%. House prices will be decimated as vast Labour taxes on property owners bite. Buy to Let landlords will be a thing of the past as Labour punishes them hard with inhibitive taxation. The City, will have bonuses capped as Miliband panders to the proposed EU curtailing laws.

“In Miliband’s post honeymoon period, he will announce the end of the Pound Sterling and adoption of the Euro currency. This will be a collectivist Soviet period where Britain’s wealth through property will be redistributed to the poor countries of Europe. The value of the euro is lower than the pound, and there will be additional loss for many in Britain.

“To fund Miliband’s welfare reforms and boost cheap house building efforts for the unemployed, Miliband will not only raid pensions but will apply for more loans to fund his projects. This will seal the former United Kingdom’s fate further as it is still entrenched in a deficit.

“This time, your grand children’s children’s children will be paying for what Miliband is going to do to this country.

“There are even plans to introduce a people’s banking system, where collectivised wealth from the former rich will be re-distributed amongst the poor.

“Labour’s aim is also to reverse privatisation of rail, utilities and other public services.

“This radical change in approach to finances and politics will thus see a fall of over 70% in value of the FTSE 100 impoverishing millions of people in the former Britain.”

Drudge Report: End of Internet Era

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President Obama and his administration’s long standing feud with internet freedom of speech, the Drudge Report, and any other alternative news source may come to an end soon as he unveils plans to completely clamp down on free speech with the Net Neutrality ruling.

“Net Neutrality gives the government in power the ability to remove from plain view any form of opposition or alternative viewpoint to the state’s political doctrines. If you wish to understand how this is done, please pick up a copy of 1984, by George Orwell. Thoughtcrime, doublespeak, political correctness, propaganda, and massive internet censoring that will dwarf what China is doing will ensue. There may even be arrests in the night for some, anyone who puts forward an opinion that is not sanctioned by the state could be arrested and detained indefinitely. As for Matt Drudge, let’s just say that he is toast, don’t forget what happened to Breitbart, Rivers and the rest,” an Obama official revealed on Monday.

Natalie Bennett: “Green Party Transcends All Comedy and Satire”

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The Green Party, are a political party and they are indeed standing for election this May, however excruciatingly bad and uninformed they may sound on the radio.

“Please vote for the Green party, we know absolutely nothing about finance, politics or anything else for that matter. Save the grass, er..global warming and global cooling, er..homes, cardboard homes, we want you to live in cardboard homes to save the environment. Honestly, I don’t have a frickin’ clue, put a few shrimps on the barbie and get a few tinnies,” Green party leader, Natalie Bennett said babbling incoherently.

Experts Debunk Terror

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The study caused some strain on its publication on Thursday, not only within Washington but in other propaganda reliant states. Excerpts from the study by T.E.R.R.O.R were not published in the media and were censored.

“Our study has been ongoing since 2001 and has extensively researched occurrences within the global forum.

“Let us first define ‘terror’. Terror, is from the French terreur, from Latin terror meaning “great fear”, a noun derived from the Latin verb terrere meaning “to frighten”, is a policy of political repression and violence intended to subdue political opposition.

“Throughout history, the feeling of ‘great fear’ has been utilised to great effect. We will not use specific examples as these are too numerous, but we will delve into the concept of terror.

“What is a ‘terrorist’? The answer is simple, someone who deals in creating fear in others. Therefore, this simple concept can be applied to many different variables.

“Does it matter if a terrorist is wearing a uniform and is sanctioned by a government? No, because they are still causing great fear to other people. In any army or military across the world, soldiers and personnel are taught to bring fear upon others. They are bringers of terror as much as anyone else. What about dropping bombs from the air, is this not terror? Yes, the people on the ground are in abject terror as the bombs rain down on them. Terror is thus a feeling, a human emotion caused by terrorists, whether uniformed or not. There is thus no distinction between the feeling of terror one feels when a soldier burst through their door who has a uniform and when a terrorist bursts through your door with no uniform. All forms of human violent aggression create terror irrespective of who is doing it.

“What about the person who defends himself from attack, is that terrorism? Proportional defence against attack may still use terror, because to fend off the aggressor, some may employ techniques to instil terror in the attacker, therefore equal terror against terror equals terror.

“Is the financial system one of terror? Indeed it is. The threat of financial punishment is a vast tool of engendering fear in people and nations through debt. In fact, the financial system of terror is what drives the market and economies of the world. The financial markets utilise fear and greed to make stock markets go up or down. The banking system, the employment sectors and the media all utilise the concept of terror to terrorise the public on a daily basis. If you lose your job, you can’t pay the mortgage, you lose everything, and you will be terrified of that. This fear is what drives the public to do whatever it takes to not succumb to the terror of having bailiffs coming to their house, and bankers foreclosing on your property.

“How does the media drive terror? The media is a fear industry. The more fear and terror, the more copies of their product are sold and the more advertising revenue they gain. Without terrorising the public on a daily basis their revenues would dissipate.

What about religion, is that about terror? Organised human religions are very much about terror. People are told from a young age that if they are obedient they will go to heaven, if they are disobedient they will die and go to hell to be burned in the fires of hell for eternity. This is terrorism, and any young child would be terrified of the consequences of disobeying the religion they were forced into from birth.

“Terrorism extends to the education system as much as any other terroristic mechanism. If a child adheres to the rules, they can advance to the next stage, if not, they are deemed as failures, which causes fear and terror.

“And finally, is there a cure for terror? Fear and terror are a natural human emotion. As long as you are human you will feel fear, you will be terrorised by a system designed specifically to keep you in a state of perpetual terror and to remind you of the consequences of not obeying, of not being subservient. Unfortunately, as long as the system is as it is, the terror will never stop because terror comes from the highest of places, our terror loving leaders and conglomerates in power, the technical engineers and the religious leaders.

“What would happen if no one felt terror and fear any more? This is a very dangerous question and the people who control the system would never want to see that day.”

Tsipras: “I Did Not Betray Greek Voters Just Worded Things Differently”

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The bruised and battered can has been kicked down the road once again as the Daily Squib accurately predicted earlier.

Keep Calm and Surrender

“It was all a lie, but I’m a politician and you voted for me to end austerity. That is not going to happen any time soon, but look at the positive side, we get another billion euro hand out to Greek banks. Now please be a good sheep and go back to sleep you gullible idiots,” the newly appointed Greek PM, Tsipras said at a news conference.

Naturally, the black hole that is the Greek economy will welcome more taxpayer money from the eurozone, and in June, there will be a rinse and repeat situation again.

“We will continue doing this drama in four month increments until the Germans run out of money eventually. We tried nearly every trick in the book to get out of paying the Greek debts but to no avail,” finance minister, Varoufakis revealed chuckling like a rabid hyena.

German Finance Minister, Schaeuble added his own voice at the post meeting conference: “The Greeks have finally seen some sense and have agreed to continue with the austerity measures. The EU taxpayers will give them some more beggars money for four months. Every time you are working in your jobs, think for one second that your hard earned money is going into their pockets for four months so they can live their privileged lifestyles of casual abandon. You must all work harder so the Greeks can carry on doing what they’re doing — nothing. We will convene in June for more of the same drama. I think I’ll take a holiday until then, not in Greece though, I like to eat food that has no spit in it.”

EU: Why the World Should Not Worry About Greek Blackmail

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“If you think about it, Greece only makes up 0.2% of eurozone finances. If we drop this donkey, it is no skin off our bones. In fact, the value of the euro would shoot up and we will be free of their blackmail. They spent the money they took and now are demanding not to pay it back. This is not economics but thievery of the highest order. Everywhere we look and we see them holding banners up to drop the debt. This is their mindset. Why should the middle class taxpayers of the rest of hard working EU countries have to pay for profligate, greedy and lazy people who have no way of ever paying back the loans? We have therefore made the decision to remove them from the eurozone, as they have not made any moves to agree to repayment measures,” an unnamed source within the EU revealed on Thursday.

History repeats itself as in this Daily Squib article from 2012. However, this time around the Germans are much more prepared to dump the Greeks, especially with Draghi’s QE push with the European Central Bank.

“We will just erase the mistake of letting in the Greeks to the eurozone. They used Goldman Sachs to mask the country’s true debt levels enabling entry into the eurozone. This was fraud and criminality of the highest scale. In a few months time it will just be a bad memory. We will fill the financial black hole by simply printing money and let other EU economies recover,” an ECB financier wrote in Der Spiegel.

Think Tank: Wake Up Europe ISIS is Closing In

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“Libya is only a short sea ride from Southern Italy. As for Morocco, that is an even shorter distance to Gibraltar, and then onto Spain.

“Thanks to the destabilisation effort by the U.S. and British coalition in 2011, Libya is now an open canvas to be filled with the blood red paint of ISIS. If it were not for the removal of Colonel Gadaffi we would not be in serious trouble right now.

“It is very hard to establish how strong the ISIS army is, however our statisticians estimate a fighting force of over 150,000 well armed and trained men. This estimate grows daily as the air strikes by the U.S. coalition only serve to swell ranks through adverse propaganda. We also have reason to believe that the air strikes are a mere show because there have been reports of ISIS combatants being warned before any such strike. Indiscriminate bombing within residential areas also causes a lot of civilian collateral damage thus inflaming the situation further and poses as a great recruitment tool.

“It is also not easy to establish which agencies are engineering the rise of ISIS, but we may have clues from past geopolitical occurrences.

“For example, the so-called Arab Spring controlled by U.S. command centres paved the way for ISIS. America armed and trained fighters across the Middle East giving them continual support. The additional Libyan operation, as well as Tunisian removal of ruling parties added extra impetus by creating a power vacuum. The Syrian attempt is still under way, and ISIS has grown exponentially from these events. We must also not forget Iraq, which was invaded by U.S. forces on numerous occasions, eventually splitting the country by installing a Shia led Vichy government which in turn created more conflict.

“There are no immediate solutions to this problem now knocking directly on Europe’s back door. European governments are weak socialist playgrounds where the mollycoddled people revel in state controlled welfare systems dictating every part of their lives. The people of Europe live in a cotton wool world sheltered from harm, war, and financial hardship. If ISIS were to infiltrate from the South, they would cut through large swathes of Europe like a knife through butter.

“The solution to this growing threat is to immediately mobilise all forces along the Mediterranean and re-establish order within the region. This proposed operation would involve thousands of ground and air military forces. We advise full military conscription for all EU citizens 18 – 40, for a minimum period of three years under the auspices of a newly established dedicated EU army.

“In addition to the Southern Front pushing into North Africa, Iraq and Syria, we advise extreme caution on the Eastern front with Russia being the main threat.

“The EU may have to build its own dedicated military force, as NATO assistance is limited due to curtailment measures by the Obama administration.

“The current German Chancellor, Merkel and president Juncker have no knowledge of military matters, or strategic mindset. We need someone to lead the EU who has full awareness of a myriad of issues relating to war, geopolitical strategic matters and must have the ability to look beyond the open borders of Europe.

“This brings us to the open borders policy as detailed in the Schengen Agreement. The EU has effectively caused its own demise with an open border policy that leaves it open wide for attack. We advise a simple solution of shutting down borders between each zone only limited to vetted transit.

“Action must be swift, decisive and with no room for mistakes. Here concludes our report.”