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Home Blog Page 527

Instagram Rich Kids Show Off Their New Pets

Entertainment
Featured

February 16, 2015

Instagram Rich Kids Show Off Their New Pets

This week the Instagram rich kids were showing off their new pets.

“It’s the next step in Instagram.

“We all got our private jets to fly to Ethiopia and bought a pet back to do selfies with.

“I bought mine in a place called Debre Zeyit, a town close to Adis Abeba.

“Don’t even know if it’s a boy or a girl, I put my rolex on its hand for a selfie but the watch fell off because it’s so emaciated.

“That’s when I got real angry because my Rolex got a scratch.

“I told my man servant to take it in the garden to its kennel. Yes, we do feed it scraps like potato peel from the bin sometimes,” Alex Tsubar, an Instagram rich kid revealed on his profile.

Marianetta Agnetti (below) 23, spent $250 to acquire her ‘pet’ and she says she likes to “drag it along the docks and take long yacht trips using it as bait for shark watching” but has baulked at any form of humanitarian assistance.

Jane Trellis, 21, is pictured celebrating with some other Instagram rich kids (below) at a high end eaterie in Santa Monica.

“We put it under the table while we were celebrating, sometimes it pops its head up crying, so I had my boyfriend kick it under again.

“Our bill that day came to $34,000 and that’s not including drinks.”

John Mann, 25, poses with some expensive prostitutes on his yacht. This year he bought his pet and put it in a bucket to float in the pool on his dad’s $45 million yacht.

“We play battleships. Like we have competitions to see how many wads of money we can throw in the bucket before it sinks. Fun days man, cocaine, pussy and battleships. Love it.”

NSA: We’re Always Watching You Just Like God Used To

Sci/Tech

Cletus Ewing

February 15, 2015

NSA: We’re Always Watching You Just Like God Used To

“In the past, the majority of the population were forced into a ‘reality’ of an all seeing God always watching over their every deed. We have replaced that and are your new God,” an unnamed NSA Reverend revealed from God’s head quarters.

Humans are used to Gods, all seeing, yet invisible, and the NSA has taken up the mantle very well in recent years superseding the church in its authority.

According to the religious books of old, written by the NSA’s predecessors, God is all powerful and vengeful, that’s why the NSA can order up two dozen of God’s officers to kick down your door at any moment, all because you may have had a brain fart on the Internet.

The future is coming whether you like it or not, and as technology moves inside the body and brain, your every thought and memory will be stored and analysed.

“The Internet of all things will mean God will be listening at all times. This time he won’t be an imaginary concept created by old elitests from a past era, but the NSA. God will keep you safe as long as your thoughts or actions do not stray from the path. You will love God, because your every strand of thought will be monitored 24 hours a day. You will obey God, as you will know the consequences for not doing so,” one of the priests of God added.

Woman Claims She Drugged Bill Cosby

Entertainment

Cletus Ewing

February 14, 2015

As to date, over 38 women have revealed how they were drugged and consequently raped by Bill Cosby, but now a woman has come forward claiming she drugged Cosby.

“He thought I didn’t see him put the pill in my drink, and when he went to the toilet I switched it. In five minutes he was sleepy, then he went out like a light. That’s when I called Bubba, just got out of prison and at 400 lbs was packin’. He was as gay as a Mazda Miata in South Beach. Bill called me up next morning and asked me what happened. He said he had pains all over and he couldn’t walk no more.”

Currently, former actor, Bill Cosby is embroiled in a very public show of incrimination by numerous women that claim he drugged and raped them.

The vast numbers of drugged women could be even higher, but because of Cosby’s celebrity status in America, nothing is being done about it.

No More Jews Left in Europe

World

Cletus Ewing

February 13, 2015

It would be a terrible catastrophe to see another exodus. Where are they all going? If to Israel, is it safe there, right smack in the middle of a snake’s nest?

Europe would surely be a lonely place without Jews, so I went to Golders Green, to what used to be a flourishing bakery baking bagels by the dozen and wonderful Jewish cakes.

“Fuck off!” said a group of youths holding banners demanding death to Israel.

Then I went to Hampstead, if I can’t find a Jew here, I don’t know what the hell is going on?

“I’m looking for Jews,” I asked a woman clad all in black politely.

“I cannot speak with you. You are male and if my handler sees me talking with you it will be haram,” the woman exclaimed hurrying off into the distance.

No sign of Maureen Lipman anywhere, no smell of freshly baked bagels and no funny self-deprecating Jewish humour, I lurked back to the den and watched some Curb episodes.

I suppose they’ve seen the warning signs, and vamoose. After WW2 who blames them?

If there are any Jews left, please leave a comment, even if you are in hiding.

Greeks Meet EU For Talks

Business

Cletus Ewing

February 12, 2015

Greek finance minister, Yanis Varoufakis, met EU eurozone ministers for another frank talk on Wednesday night.

“You’re going to carry on with the austerity package.”

“No!”

“Okay, you are going to carry on with the austerity package.”

“No!”

“The austerity deal. You understand, to pay us back our money?”

No! Klefteke kelefte klefteke!”

“The deal that was agreed for you to pay back, you, the moneys you owe us.”

“No! And we want extra for war. You kill many in Greece World War 2, innit.”

“Are you going to stick to the agreement Greece signed up for?”

“No!”

“Listen, I’m going to ask you nicely now, put your big fat Greek balls aside for a second. Are you going to pay back the money you owe us?”

“No!”

The meeting was adjourned indefinitely after four hours.

Brian Williams: American News Media is Fake?

Entertainment

Cletus Ewing

February 12, 2015

Apparently Americans are coming to the slow realisation that their news media is fake and has no bearing with reality.

In an unusual declaration, NBC’s Brian Williams has been outed as a complete fabricator of stories to sensationalise reporting.

“It’s as if Brian Williams has turned into an Infowars reporter overnight. How about Fox news or the Daily Squib?” Bill Pilowski, a veteran news pundit from major bullshit house CNN revealed yesterday.

American mainstream media had as much credibility as Greece’s economy — and this was before the Brian Williams episode.

In other news, the pope is still Catholic and bears still shit in the woods.

If Britain Headed EU Things Would Be Different

World

Cletus Ewing

February 12, 2015

If Britain Headed EU Things Would Be Different

Keynes was British, and the EU elite communists in Germany are clueless when it comes to homogeneity within a fiscal system like the EU.

Germany never really had a world empire, they tried twice through war to do that but failed miserably.

Britain, on the other hand, had the British Empire which although faded, still has remnants remaining across the world.

If the Germans want to keep the EU, they should thus hand over complete control to Britain. We are much more qualified in micro managing vast empires than they are.

The Germans would of course be given a say in running the show, but would be asked politely to take a back seat.

The future of the EU is thus an entity led and controlled completely by Britain.

Drunk Tube Train Drivers to Strike in the Pub

World

Cletus Ewing

February 11, 2015

Drunk tube train drivers have voted to strike and will do so in the pub, tube drivers and the RMT union has revealed.

Speaking from the Dog and Duck in Canning Town, Alf Trundle, a drunk tube train driver for thirty years spoke of his plight.

“Acshhhhually I’ve been drrrunk on the job for thirty long yearshhh. The ovver day some jobshworth comesh up ta me-e-e. The liile Hitler shaid I got the shack. I shaid to ‘im, if I’ve got the shack my mates will shtrike. Nah, fack off, I’ve got to get to Mornington Crescent for a top up.”

It is estimated that on any given day 75% of tube drivers are doing their jobs sozzled out of their minds.

The tube strike will last for as long as it takes to get the drunk train drivers re-instated and with new crates of whisky in stations.

Workers Tell MPs to Get a Pay Rise

Business

Cletus Ewing

February 11, 2015

David Cameron will tell parliament to give MPs a pay rise in the coming months because “the people have said we deserve another one”.

The Prime Minister will use a speech to the British Chambers of Commerce annual conference in London to praise MPs for the outstanding work they have done and urge them to ensure voters feel the benefit of another parliamentary pay hike.

“Thank you people, it is with great confidence that I shall soon announce a further pay rise for MPs. The workers, or proles as I like to call them work for us, and the harder they work, the better our salary gets. It is only just that we sometimes give back to the people, and this is why we want to extend our gratitude by allowing employers to extend working hours for low paid workers so they never stop working but keep on earning,” Mr Cameron added.

First Look at GTA 6 Real Life

Entertainment

Cletus Ewing

February 11, 2015

Karl Rose, 24, a gamer from New York recalls the moment he saw the presentation video: “It blew my fucking mind man. My eyes rolled up in ecstasy and there was this big smile on my face but I must have been having a fit because people say froth was streaming out of my mouth. I left a puddle of drool over the floor and some douche slipped on it.”

Other gamers, once seeing the footage, broke into a fight whilst debating whether the graphics were real or not, some even suggesting that it was just a real cop chase video others suggesting it was a bank of supercomputers linked up running the game and not a measly console.

“This is the future of gaming. No more shitty cartoon graphics and stupid unreal physics. We aimed to take the game out of the box and into real life. We present to the world GTA 6. Release date will be 6th June 2016. Thank you all for watching,” Rockstar Games’ chief animator, Doug Gaines told the group of assembled gamers and journalists on Tuesday.