17.7 C
London
Thursday, January 1, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 503

Do Not Fear Robot Microchip Revolution

Paddy McConnell
-
0
Do Not Fear Robot Microchip Revolution

 

“When you go under, that’s it, you won’t be the same person ever again. Your consciousness will be superseded by the hive mind, as is already happening on social networks on the limited 2d internet now. Your future is full immersion, an experience that will overtake your own natural thoughts, and you will not even know who you were before. For the programmers, this will be a defining moment in control, and who is to say that machines will not programme you, sentient beings artificially adjusting their own algorithms as they expand their reach.

“Higher up the chain, are the programmers and those who dictate their vision for you in the sandbox. All these people now on Facebook and Twitter and other social media are mere participants in a sandbox universe created by others, their vision for you in the ghettoised universe is one not unlike a farm. You are the farm animals freely participating in their vision, and the future will be no different, but it will be all immersive where the smart phone will be in your own head, you will not be able to look away or put it down.

“Human hormones affect behaviour, and there will be no need for those, as your behaviour will be regulated, your emotions stilled and your thoughts processed. How you think, every neuron, every pathway, every tendril will be assimilated with nano technology, with chips that will interface seemlessly within the noosphere.

“You will be one with the machines, and within forty years, human 2.0 will have no need for stomachs, or even lungs to breathe, because of nanotechnology providing all essential nutrients and life sustaining chemicals and gasses to the body directly.

“Advanced humans will be able to communicate without speaking, and hold conversations with thousands of others simultaneously. The synthesis and merging of flesh with technology will give humans the ability to live forever as long as technological advances are made, although this embellishment will only be reserved for the highest and richest of participants. The rest can be switched off at any time, especially if someone is seen to fight the technology or process in any way.

“What about religion? For those concepts have been programmed into you from a young age through religious leaders and your parents, they may also be programmed into your advanced shell, an allegiance to whatever is the tool for your digital dream or fantasy.

“You will not be able to fight it, you will be drawn into it, and your every regulated thought thereafter will seem perfectly normal as was your previous existence which will then be a long forgotten memory.

“The higher up in the echelon you get, programmes will naturally vary, as the governors will hold all-encompassing and control effecting technology that the lower echelons will not.

“Close your eyes, and when you awake, you will not realise who, or what you were, but your consciousness will be something else, a distant memory may sometimes creep in but adjustments in real time will over a period erase all that passed, as the future does not dabble in the past or the old, it only sees now and what is to come.

“There will be no crime, no dissent, no fear, no violence, no protest, just manageable stasis, a normalcy unrivalled in human history.”

 

Walthamstow East London is Delightful This Time of Year

Paddy McConnell
-
0
Walthamstow East London is Delightful This Time of Year

East 17, made famous by a bunch of inbred warbling chavs and their souped up Renault Clios in the Nineties, is a delightful place to visit if you either want a hair weave or a knife through the ankle.

“Walthamstow, it’s our pride and joy, drop into the Afro Caribbean wig shop, you’ll find one every fifteen yards, how about somewhere to eat? Afro Caribbean cuisine is everywhere, you’ve got places selling spiced up offal every ten yards and fried chicken shops every two yards. The streets are filled with joy and happiness, mainly because of the crack and ganja available at every corner, and the booze and betting shops; but if you’re a ‘Fed’ as the local patwa likes to describe the constabulary, you won’t be so welcome,” a local tour guide revealed before being shot through the lung by a yardie.

Castrato Bond Theme Used to Curdle Cheese in Factory

Paddy McConnell
-
2
Castrato Bond Theme Used to Curdle Cheese in Factory

“We getta this musica and put it on in the factory. The milk curdle nearly immediato maka fasta formaggio. Belissimo productione multiplo!”

What happened to James Bond, like the real secret agent, and what happened to the theme music of this tiring clinical moribund Cubbiless franchise?

Ah, but James Bond is moving with the times you say, so why the fuck did the producers choose a theme tune for the latest Bond flick that literally curdles cheese?

“We chose this singer and Bond theme tune because there is nothing in the musical sphere of x-factor led artistes of note any more and this sort of effete autotuned bilge is all that’s left. There is no more Barry or Martin or Bassey, just mediocre shite left in this world, watered down bilge, not even worth wiping your arse with. Since Cubby bought the farm, Bond has faltered, lost his sense of humour and become a vehicle for simple soulless action-led Mission Impossible politically correct remakes with a minor British slant and much deserved crap music,” one of the new producers for the latest Bond film said off camera.

Here’s to many more Bond films that we will never see.

Tories: People Who Can’t Cope With Benefit Reductions Could Be Told to Die

Paddy McConnell
-
0
Tories: People Who Can’t Cope With Benefit Reductions Could Be Told to Die

Scum

“Yes, we’re scum, but the Tories are worse scum than us because they’re successful people, they figured out how to get ahead in the system but we haven’t. You see sir, we didn’t make the right choices, innit. We smoked drugs, we spent our money on useless things instead of getting ahead, and we don’t save, we just don’t. If you was to give me a fiver now, I’d go and spend it on fags and booze. If you gave a Tory down on his luck a fiver, he’d save it, maybe eek it out over a few days, or worse still, he’d make that fiver grow into a tenner, then that tenner would grow into fifty quid, and so on. But we don’t fakkin’ do that, we spend it, goes up our noses, in our lungs, we piss it out. You could give us one hundred thousand fivers sir, yes, we’d do the same innit. No self control and wrong choices. Eh, it’s all about the breeding too innit, they’ve had thousands of years of perfect breeding, old money, we were peasants then in the feudal days, and we’re still peasants today dependent on handouts. I’m proud to be a fakkin’ peasant though, it’s in my blood, couldn’t get rid of it if I tried,” a smelly crusty with an assortment of rings through their face said whilst throwing a rotten egg at people in suits.

The Tories however have capitalised on the malaise and are now adopting a recent white paper consultation which will effectively put a lot of these people out of their misery permanently.

“They’re unhappy. They can’t cope without benefits or free handouts. Even if we gave them all these things and more, they’d still be unhappy, so our solution is very simple. It will, in fact benefit both parties, because to the rest of society these people, if you would like to call them that, are a burden. If you’re not happy with your benefits, we would suggest you simply die off. Yes, we’re lying politicians, nothing new there, but this time we’re telling the truth. Our proposals will include structured plans for many of these unhappy people to die, we don’t mind if it’s slow or quick, but the latter would be preferable. Once they die off, they’ll finally be happy, and we’ll carry on having a jolly happy old time as usual without having to look after these grown-up children breeding and messing up our budgets. Hopefully within a decade they’ll all be dead,” a key advisor for Pensions and Giros told the BBC after the morning session was over at the conference.

5p Plastic Bag Tax So You Spend Less at the Shops

Paddy McConnell
-
0
5p Plastic Bag Tax So You Spend Less at the Shops

 

Alan Jobsworth, the engineer of the 5p plastic bag tax was adamant that the bag tax is the right way to go.

“You won’t want to buy as much stuff now because you’ll either have no bags or one bacteria laden overused bag produced by a young child labourer in Indonesia which does not fit much in it.

“You can go to a shop and buy one item, that’s easily carried, but depending on the items you would have purchased if you had free bags, you just won’t any more. Give it a miss. This is a good way of reducing consumerism and needless consumption.”

If you can’t carry it, don’t buy it

Going to do the shopping is expensive as it is in Britain as most items have 20% VAT lopped onto the already excruciatingly expensive price, add in the massive mark ups in rip-off Britain where everything is 40-50% dearer than the rest of the world and you have a recipe for low sales within the retail and supermarket sector. This is why the 5p plastic bag tax will reduce sales across the board.

Remember buy less and only what you really need. Better still don’t buy anything at all.

U.S. Bombing: Patients Burned Alive in Their Hospital Beds

Paddy McConnell
-
2

Imagine lying in a hospital bed trying to recover, next thing you know you are being burned alive as wave after wave of missiles slam into your hospital. You try to get up as the flames burn through your flesh and the heat melts your skin, there is nothing you can do now but close your eyes and slowly burn to death in agony.

Yesterday, U.S. jets and drones bombarded a known hospital in Kunduz, Afghanistan killing 19 patients and hospital staff from Medecins Sans Frontier.

If the bombing had been committed by the Russians there would be a large media circus capitalising on this incident, but in this case only a few news outlets have even mentioned the atrocity.

Please donate to Medecin Sans Frontier: http://www.msf.org.uk/

 

New World Policeman: Syrian Conflict Soon Over Thanks to Russia

Paddy McConnell
-
0
New World Policeman: Syrian Conflict Soon Over Thanks to Russia

After flying over 60 sorties over Syria including a devastating bunker buster bomb on the main ISIS command centre in Raqqa, there is not much else to do apart from clean up.

Desertions from ISIS are rumoured to be increasing daily with over 700 reported yesterday.

Without their main command centre (funded and supported by whoever) ISIS are like a decapitated cobra writhing around in the Syrian sand dunes.

“It’s safe to say that Russia has successfully finished the job that Washington, for whatever reason prolonged. To say Washington is pissed is an understatement, the Russians have made the Obama administration look like a bunch of amateurs in less than a week. Don’t talk to me about Langley, those guys now have permanent steam coming out of their ears. Syria is now gone. America lost to Russia again, and all that hard work and expensive funding went up in smoke. Well done Obama,” Colonel D. Sanders, a retired Kentucky Fry eating dude told CNN.

We have a new world policeman, and it’s not the United States any more, thanks to Obama.

 

Why Swedish Girls Are Biggest Prize For Illegal Migrants into EU

Paddy McConnell
-
3
Why Swedish Girls Are Biggest Prize For Illegal Migrants into EU

Blonde, blue eyed, pale skin and bodies that would make Amazonions green with envy, there is serious delight in the eyes of the millions of men crossing the Croatian and Hungarian borders en route to Sweden.

No Lagom

“I don’t care about the free apartment, free food and money to spend, all you have to do is a Google image search for Swedish girls and you will see the delightful women waiting for us with open arms. In a few years time the waters will have been darkened as we get to work,” Abdullah Jamil, from Lahore, Pakistan revealed on the Hungarian border.

The resourceful Swedes are even handing out guide books on how to have sex with Swedish people for the illegal migrants crossing the borders into the country.

Sweden is now an EU country where the population rise is set for a boom in the coming years.

Indeed, the pull factor is overwhelming and the internet has been an amazing eye opener for some cultures that have very closed Islamic societies.

“The EU has opened their arms to us, and here we are coming. I’ve seen whole villages cleaned out at home. As soon as they say come, we are already gone. We must of course thank the Swedish socialists for their welcome and the young ladies who will be greeting us. I can’t wait to get stuck in, It’s like IKEA except with pussy, and they’re socialists so they cannot say no,” another migrant yelped whilst making crude actions with his hips.

swedish-girls

The migrants do have a point about socialists, they do not say no to anything, and this is the catch, their daughters are free game for the millions of blonde-lust driven men with wild eyes and straining testosterone fuelled trousers crossing the EU borders looking to park themselves on a lithe blonde socialist nymph who cannot say no, especially as the migrants do not even understand what the word ‘no’ means.

Having spent their lives in Islamic countries there is finally a light in the tunnel, a Swedish tunnel.

“You see this?” migrant points to unsightly bulge in trousers, “It’s coming to Sweden!”

You are all welcome. Come.

Native Americans Will Have The Land Back One Day

Paddy McConnell
-
1
Native Americans Will Have The Land Back One Day

Here is the transcript from the tribal leader who lives in a reservation far from any city or town.

DS: It is a great honour to be speaking with you great Chief whose ancestors once roamed the great plains of America.

Chief: Yes, we roamed the plains, we hunted, we fished, but we never disturbed. We respect nature and give back what we take to survive. That is not the case today and the last 400 years. Our ancestors passed on their secret knowledge about the universe and it survived the mass murder by the white man. We still hold this knowledge today.

DS: Has the white man brought anything to you and your people that is positive?

Chief: No. Nothing. Our shamans foresee worse to come, for what they have done to this earth, corrupted everything, poisoned all things, they will lose everything faster than a blink of an eagle’s eye. Their greed and evil will be their own undoing. Then we shall have the freedom of the land once again, it is not our land, but we shall once again roam the plains and forests, the creeks and the deserts. They used to call us savages, but what they have done is worse.

DS: What kind of timeline are we talking about?

Chief: Very soon my friend. I cannot say in your years, but when it comes you will know about it. There will not be much time and it will be fast and the years after the event, if you survive, there will be much hardship.

DS: What can those who are knowledgeable and in tune with the earth’s sacred spirit do to prepare?

Chief: You must first prepare your mind, for what you will see will not seem real. You must prepare your soul, make it strong, and you must prepare your skills, in nature. Brave. We have been waiting for centuries for our ancestors saw what is to come. It is a waiting game but the Native Americans have all the time in the world the white man has not.

DS: You run a pretty successful casino here in the reservation.

Chief: Yes, we are using the white man’s greed to sustain ourselves. There are many surviving tribes like us who know what is in limitless supply. White man’s greed. We then take their money and use it to prepare for what is to come. These people are not spiritually connected to the earth. We will survive, they will not.

DS: Thank you for your words of wisdom great chief. That was the last question in the interview.

Chief: Now smoke this pipe and think of the task ahead. America is dying from within. The time of purification and renewal is coming. Peace be with you.

Umpqua Shooter Shot Christians Yet Idolised Christian Catholic IRA

Paddy McConnell
-
2
Umpqua Shooter Shot Christians Yet Idolised Christian Catholic IRA

 

According to news reports the gunman in Thursday’s mass shooting at an Oregon community college specifically targeted Christians, three witnesses said, while online accounts linked to the shooter expressed disdain for organized religion.

From the limited information being released for whatever agenda by the authorities, it is therefore a viable conclusion that Christopher Harper Mercer was just a very confused person because he targeted Christians yet idolised a Christian Catholic terrorist group.

Our conclusion, the shooter was a simplistic idiot of the highest order, but a useful idiot for an agenda which will no doubt be a good addition to the anti-gun faction.

One must also understand that the standard of education in America at state level is extremely poor and millions of Americans are totally misinformed, holding simplistic skewed black and white views based on ignorance about any given subject matter, therefore adding guns and prescription drugs into this unholy mix makes for a deadly soup of bullets and violence.

Here is a video of sectarian violence between Loyalist Ulster Protestant Christians against Catholic Christian Republican children and parents going to the Holy Cross school in Ardoyne, Northern Ireland, 2001. This video highlights the terror and hatred that religious factions mete upon themselves on a daily basis, where even sects within the Christian religion display brutal violent behaviour.

 

1...502503504...800Page 503 of 800
squib footer 270

Breaking News

Copyright © Daily Squib 2024.

The Daily Squib is a curious satirical parody newspaper offering breaking news, political satire, comedy, investigative journalism, opinion and celebrity news.