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Blyat! Time to Start Learning Russian?

Nomura Kilyenko
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Blyat! Time to Start Learning Russian?

 

Thanks to Obama’s inadequacy in world affairs, you also better get used to eating Okroshka and guzzling gallons of vodka whilst driving your Lada through the streets of Cheam.

Here are some useful phrases in Russian, for you may need them soon:

Polozhil avtomat Kalashnikova , ya ne golosovat’ za Obamu. — Put down the Kalashnikov, I did not vote for Obama.

U menya yest’ svezhiy vodku dlya vas , ne strelyayte. — I have some fresh vodka for you, do not shoot.

Moya drugaya mashina Lada. — My other car is a Lada.

Dobro pozhalovat’ v Nuneaton — Welcome to Nuneaton.

And to prepare yourself for life under the Russians, don’t forget to watch a few driving videos.

Блядь

 

Shakespeare’s Romeo Was a Creep According to Feminists

Nomura Kilyenko
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Shakespeare’s Romeo Was a Creep According to Feminists

Speaking at the #killallmen symposium for feminists held this week, the feminist revealed that Shakespeare should be banned because it shows women in a submissive and subservient light.

“All Shakespeare plays are sexist misogynistic hate-speech and should be banned. We are especially campaigning for the removal of Romeo and Juliet because it portrays so-called love between a man and woman. Romeo is a total patriarchal stalker creep because he did not give Juliet a chance to think about her true feminist lesbian sexuality and in the end drugged her with poison to kill her when Romeo’s hateful stalking did not work out. At least that’s how we think it went. But we’re making our words heard about this hateful play and want it banned immediately.”

 

ROMEO

She speaks:
O, speak again, bright angel! for thou art
As glorious to this night, being o’er my head
As is a winged messenger of heaven
Unto the white-upturned wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-pacing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo?
Deny thy father and refuse thy name;
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a Capulet.

Military Experts: Russians Take Syria

Nomura Kilyenko
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Military Experts: Russians Take Syria

“What we have here is a chess grandmaster who has used pin and skewer tactics to effectively immobilise the opponent. Putin is at least five or six steps ahead of Obama and his strategy is starting to hurt the ailing president, or self-proclaimed king as he likes to be known.

Checkmate

“Russian ground, sea and air forces are now being bolstered by a Chinese carrier that recently landed at Tartus.

“Unfortunately, the U.S. is now on the ropes in Syria, and because of Obama’s inexperience in military, strategic and tactical matters, it is too late for any American involvement, especially boots on the ground.

“Our advice is simply to call in the game and halt any thoughts of action in the region because it is too far gone for any valid resolution. To continue with even a limited air campaign could set off World War III.

“If, however, World War III is the intended goal by the Obama administration, then their strategy is working.”

Can Idiots Be Identified By Their Fingerprints?

Nomura Kilyenko
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0
Can Idiots Be Identified By Their Fingerprints?

The researchers claim their findings could prove useful not just for idiots everywhere, but also for morons and assholes who seem to inhabit daily life across the planet.

Professor Iddy Otte, an anthropologist at Kentucky Fry University, who led the study, said: “This is the first study to look at this issue at this level of detail, and the findings are extremely promising. There are fu**ing idiots everywhere. Jeez, I just found out I’m married to an idiot.

“This finding also tells us that there’s a level of variation in idiots like you have major idiots, really dumb idiots, morons, useful idiots and darn right assholes.”

The researchers, whose work is published in the American Journal of Physical Anthropology, examined the right index fingerprints of 456 individuals.

Professor Otte, who worked on the project with student Nichole Moran, said: “The Level 2 detail that was significant for idiots was total bifurcations, like it was totally off the scale man.”

It raises the possibility that there may be more details contained within fingerprints which may help trace a person’s idiot ancestry.

“That means idiots go down the line, hell, your whole family tree could be populated by idiots and assholes. This research just blew us away”

The ongoing research project also tested former president George W. Bush and found out he was actually not an idiot but just a total asshole.

Are you an idiot?

View Results

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Corbyn Regurgitates Mush During Labour Conference

Nomura Kilyenko
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0
Corbyn Regurgitates Mush During Labour Conference

 

 

 

Comrade Corbyn was speaking about the delightful food at the conference and how the menu is modelled on his five-year plan for the populace when he comes to power. Pity the mush did not quite agree with the comrades palate.

“Comrades, I had the most delightful mush for lunch, and as your leader I eat the same food as you will be eating for the rest of your sorry miserable lives once I become Soviet Britain’s comrade in chief.”

food for the masses
Corbyn’s five year plan will condemn Britons to eating mush as their staple diet

During the speech, the Labour leader was seen convulsing and holding his stomach when steaming hot bubbling mush erupted from his gullet splattering the podium spectacularly.

A smiling commissar immediately rushed to the ailing leader and wiped the foul smelling gunk from his red face.

Bon appetit.

Experts: Social Media Bubble 2.0 Ready For Download

Nomura Kilyenko
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0
Experts: Social Media Bubble 2.0 Ready For Download

 

Wall Street insiders know that the time is up, and they’re cashing in whatever they can get on the already ailing social media index of stocks. As for the retail traders, they won’t realise something happened until they read it in the next day’s papers and it will already be a far gone conclusion.

Zuck that!

“If I was Zuckerberg I would have cashed in months ago, but it’s probably too late for the chump, especially when he lies back at night thinking about all that money that disappeared down the drain. C’est la vie as they say,” an analyst at some brokerage firm babbled yesterday.

Prepare for some reality on those ridiculous valuations from these data mining operations which have outlived their usefulness.

 

‘Failure of the Cross’ Words by Pope Usher in New Global Era

Nomura Kilyenko
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1

 

Let there be peace on earth, a peace that can only be achieved by total unity of all factions of humanity into one group.

“We need to remember that we are followers of Jesus Christ and his life, humanly speaking, ended in failure, the failure of the cross,” the pope was quoted as saying during his appearance in New York at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Manhattan for the evening prayer.

Indeed, the cross has had its day, and the spectre of the former Christ must now be viewed as an ultimate failure.

“Pope Francis, this chap is a standup guy. Nationalism and different religious factions are the enemy of global unity, therefore they are to be assimilated into a singular world purpose. We must put the symbol of the cross behind us, and the pope himself acknowledges this task on the to-do list,” a member of a shadow government department relayed yesterday.

 

Hipster East End Cereal Killer Buffet Thwarted by Anarchists

Nomura Kilyenko
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0
Hipster East End Cereal Killer Buffet Thwarted by Anarchists

East end hipsters were up in tattooed arms today when one of their shops received a little too much attention, this time from anarchists who don’t find paying £4.50 for a bowl of cereal very funny.

“It’s just the mark up innit. I’m not good at maths or anyfing, but £4.50 for something that is worth less than 12 pence is a huge fakkin’ mark up. What is that, 3650% or something?” one anarchist said whilst tossing some rice krispies into a hipster’s beard.

Anarchists are not known for their financial acumen, however they certainly know when they’re being fleeced by a bunch of gentrificatorial hipster arseholes taking the Mick.

Inspector Colin Bix, who was on the scene, was shocked at the level of violence directed at the Brick Lane hip brigade, who only two minutes before it all kicked off were happily munching away at their overpriced bowls of cereal.

“I’ve seen some things before in my ten years on the force but I’ve never seen an anarchist stuffing a box of Honey Nut Loops up a hipster’s bottom whilst still eating the cereal. We had to have counselling after that one.”

Jeremy Kyle Gets Jeremy Kyled

Nomura Kilyenko
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0

If anyone has had the displeasure of watching an episode of Jeremy Kyle where vulnerable and mentally ill benefits people are publicly humiliated and jeered at in front of supposedly morally superior audiences, then our condolences are extended towards you.

Jeremy Kyle, of course, is the supposed epitome of supercilious moral contemptuousness, and it is to this end his wife went and fu**ed a polo player over twenty times according to reports.

Maybe the next Jeremy Kyle show should feature Jeremy Kyle and his soon to be ex-wife.

Volkswagon Vehicles Seen From Space

Nomura Kilyenko
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0
Volkswagon Vehicles Seen From Space

The International Space Station has released pictures showing Volkswagon cars driving along roads.

“We may be 400 km high in space but we can track the emissions coming from VW vehicles driving along highways, the emission smoke trails are visible from up here,” NASA scientist Alistair McGiver relayed to the control centre via images.

The Expedition 45 crew, including the One-Year Crew duo, worked on a variety of human research to help future crews persevere on longer missions in deep space.

The crew is also getting ready for a pair of international cargo ships departing and arriving next week. Scientists on the ground are exploring how microgravity affects humans living and working in space as NASA prepares for the Journey to Mars.

Astronauts living on the International Space Station for months at a time, including the One-Year Crew, provide excellent subjects for long-term microgravity human research.

The crew today looked at how being in space affects humans’ ability to surf social networks for the Social-X study and documented response activity when unfriended .

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