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HomeWorldMafia-style Acid Bath Funerals Now With the Co-op

Mafia-style Acid Bath Funerals Now With the Co-op

SCUNTHORPE - England - With a crowded island, and overpopulation there's no grave space anymore. That's why the Co-op Funeral service is bringing out mafia-style acid baths.

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The mafia have been using this technique for decades and is a tried and trusted method of getting rid of bodies without any trace. The Co-op Funeralcare service now offers the process of dissolving human bodies with a mix of potassium hydroxide and water.

“One minute you’se gotta body, next minute it’s like mush put down the drain. Badda boom badda bing, we get rid of you. It’s like the ultimate way of cancelling someone,” one of the technicians in charge of the disintegration service revealed to the BBC.

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Carmine Furio, one of the staff at the Co-op facility, revealed the process in detail.

“We gotta good crew of goombas here. The other day I was talkin’ to Angelo “Quack Quack” Ruggiero, and he said that we gotta lotta fockin’ stiffs piling up. All this burial shit, we runnin’ out of space here. Sure thing, blam, I gotta fockin’ idea, instead of these gavone mudderfuckers hangin’ about with frickin’ spades trina find a spot to bury these stiffs, why not put ’em in acid baths?

“Marone, It’s easy work, we even manjare on the job. Stuff da stiffs in a fuckin’ bucket, sta ta zee you dead fuck, eh, you can’t talk back now eh, you’re a fockin’ stiff. Stoo gatz, we’re munchin’ on svolia tell, Napoleons, and capa gool, this cagherone titsoon walks in. I told the muffugga to stata zee, stop breakin’ our balls here. He wants his rent money, so we whack the ja mook right there and then. Knocked him da fuck out, and stick him in another bucket. Anthony starts pouring the stuff over this fung gool mudderfucker, when he starts twitching, da scecco wuz still alive. I finished eating my ga gootz, then whacked him again, this time with a metal fockin’ rod. He soon looked like some ri gawt, smelled like puzzi though.”

The funeral provider anticipates that the cost of resomation will be similar to that of a traditional cremation.

Initially, resomation will only be offered in certain locations – which are yet to be announced – with the intention of expanding it across the UK, the funeral chain said.

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