EU Says Britain Must Be Physically Moved Closer to Europe

BRUSSELS - Belgium - A new EU directive ordered from the highest levels has said that Britain is too far away from mainland Europe and it may have to have its shores brought closer.

“Ve haff vays of making you move the land mass of Britain so ve can board your island easier und make ze necessary changes to your former country,” Hans Von Richter, an unelected EU representative said Friday.

The EU directive proposes that the English Channel is filled up with concrete and this will thus link up Britain with Europe permanently.

“There won’t be any white cliffs of Dover any more, just a parking lot,” another faceless EU official revealed.

Plans to start the concreting start in 2017.