“Am I in Utah? I’m running for senate tomorrow! This Mormon guy once told me…er…he said something to me about something and I don’t know! It’s a long road to Tipperary! Gubba, gubba, gubba!” Sleepy Joe Biden said as a National Security Adviser tried to show him the ropes to the red button for America’s nuclear weapons.
“Sir if you’re going to be president as the polls show, we gotta show you the ropes so you’re clued in. Please sir, stop looking over there, the button is here!”
Sleepy Joe’s attention eventually moves to the matter at hand.
“Sir, you see this key card, you snap the casing off, and there will be a code there. You need to key in the code to this machine. Then you need to put your left eye in this socket to be scanned.”
“So, when they tell me to do that I just do it? Sounds like fun, is it some kind of computer game? Bing! Wow, did you see that blinking light? Can I put any number in here?”
“No sir, it has to be the number on the card or the launch sequences will not be activated.”
“Launch sequence? Sounds kinda strange, I was in Oregon the other week, or was it California, anyways, the Mormons had a launch of my presidency and no one showed up, so I told them I would rather be going for the senate anyways. Ding dong! I need to go to the toilet sir, I got my hand up! Have you seen junior’s grades?”
“Sir, please pay attention, this is serious! When the generals and military people tell you to fire the missiles, you press this red button.”
“I don’t see no Jack in the box, is he under the table? If I press this button will he give me a scare, my ticker might not take that!”
“No Sir, there is no Jack in the Box, this is the nuclear button.”
“Okay, okay, I got it! They tell me to do that and I just press the button. It’s real easy!”
“Yes sir, just like if the Chinese want you to sign something or the Iranians want a deal, just go ahead and sign without reading what you’re signing. That’s what Obama did for eight years and no one even batted an eyelid.”
“Obamy! I remember that boy he was talented! I think he was Amish from Pennsylvania. He was the guy who won the Olympics, yeah, I remember he won gold in badminton. What a genius!”
“No sir, Obama was the president and you were vice president.”
“No, I’m running for senate, you got that wrong son. I was chasing little girls in Washington before you had a diaper rash sucking on your momma’s titty! I think CSPAN got the footage, all of it!”
“Sir, please can we finish this, it’s important. Maybe the nurse can give you your daily dose of adrenochrome. Would you feel better then sir?”
“So I press this button! What happens then?”
“Sir, it’s called mutual destruction. The US absorbs a certain number of strikes, but we obliterate the rest of the world, and there’s no sun for thirty years.”
“Sounds great, when can we get started? When am I going to be told what to do?”
“Sir, when the time is right, and it is the last resort!”
“I was at that Florida resort, what’s it called, Romney Land?”
Sleepy Joe then falls asleep on the adviser’s lap.