“We are appealing to all the thugs, Eastern European gangsters, pimps, hoodies and chavs to work for the Labour government this coming election. We want you to give the voters that extra bullying hand to make up their minds on who they’re going to vote for. Baseball bats, knives and knuckle dusters will be standard issue and the Prime Minister has even called for a special information leaflet to be sent out to all prospective candidates detailing methods that can be utilised for persuading people to vote Labour,” Hamish Macdeath, a senior campaign manager for Labour told the Mirror.
The thugs and hoodies will be given ASBOs as recognition for their hard work on election day and have their ample benefits increased as a special thank you for bullying the voters.
“I’ve been reading Robert Mugabe’s biography recently and he really is an amazing chap. He’s a bit like my other fave hero, Stalin, but with less flair or body count. The Labour party under my bullying dictatorship has achieved wonders, and much like the mobs employed by Mugabe and his Zanu-PF thugs, so too is my party employing the same techniques. Remember comrades, the people who cast the votes decide nothing. The
people who count the votes decide everything,” Gordon Brown said at a Downing Street press conference today.