17.7 C
London
Thursday, March 19, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 805

Alan Greenspan Admits Iraq War was Really for Oil

0

The striking revelation that the Bush Government lied to its people and invaded Iraq for oil has also been compounded by news that the sky is blue, Fox News is a Neocon propaganda lie-machine, bears are linked to excrement in the woods, the Pope has ties with the Catholic church and George W Bush is a lying war criminal who should be impeached.

Greenspan is quoted in his biography as saying: “I am saddened that it is politically inconvenient to acknowledge what
everyone knows: the Iraq war is largely about oil.”


There was surprise around Capitol Hill at the astounding revelation that oil conquest was the chief reason for the illegal Iraq invasion. One US Republican Senator, Bill O’Coulter, who is on the board of directors of Halliburton, spoke out against the claims. “I’sa tells you’se peoples, I knows in my heart that our great commander in chief invaded Iraqs because Saddam was a bad man and wuz gonna send rockets to the US of A in 15 minutes, he had weapons of mass destructions and nucelear missiles ready to go, we had to invade them because Saddam invaded America on 911, he wuz responsibles I know cuz the CIA said so and so did our President.”

Sixty five percent of the American population still believe and are told by their media daily that Saddam Hussein was responsible for 911.

Greenspan who is a coward, of course did not voice his opinion at the time. He wholeheartedly endorsed the invasion which was a violation of the U.N. Charter and as such a war of aggression and therefore a war crime.

The oil fuelled greed operation and occupation of Iraq has to date caused the deaths of over 750,000 Iraqi civilians and the deaths of over 3500 US soldiers. It has caused the largest mass displacement of people in the middle east in modern history as well as causing one of the largest environmental disaster zones ever through the distribution of depleted uranium en masse.

US Soldiers died for oil profits and not to protect their nation. They were lied to and have been made a fool of.

There are no surprises from a country which tried to impeach Bill Clinton for receiving a blowjob and yet refused to impeach a President who has murdered thousands of humans for profit and has taken the USA into further debt and near collapse morally as well as monetarily.

Northern Rock to be Renamed Northern Pebble

0

Speaking from his plush offices in Newcastle Upon Tyne, we asked the Chief Executive of Northern Rock about the name change and what it means for the company.

“Northern Pebble is a more appropriate name for the company now. Our shaky business has been somewhat worn down by many factors like not having any money.”

We asked him a question about banking. Is it an integral part of banking to have money?

His answer, “Yes and no. We acquire money from other institutions at low rates, and then sell these ‘iou’s’ onto our customers at higher rates. The financial institutions stopped lending us money on the 8th of August because of the Sub-Prime market debacle in the US.”

The US sub-prime mortgage crisis was caused by corporate greed, ignorance, envy, and stupidity.

The Bank of England has agreed to print more paper money to offset the massive blackhole that has been left by this immense disaster. The money printing operation will be a 24 hour operation and go on for as long as it takes whilst other dodgy institutions like Barclays are also artificially propped up.

During the interview we were interrupted by a knock on the door. The bailiffs had come around to take the furniture and laptop computer that Mr Applegarth was typing on.

“Our customers have nothing to worry about. Northern Pebble is a solid business model and the BoE has stepped in to help us. They are printing more bank notes as we speak.” Mr Applegarth was then carried away in his chair by three burly men.

Well, there you have it. All it takes is the Bank of England to print more money, and we’re all ok. Isn’t that wonderful?

General Petraeus Updates George W Bush on Successful US Defeat in Iraq

0
After Gen. David H. Petraeus updated the Supreme Commander in Chief of the western world, George W Bush, last Monday there was further clarification on the level of defeat that has been meted out to US forces in Iraq.George W Bush has praised General Petraeus in engineering the successful failure of the Surge which was intended to quell insurgant attacks on the fortified US forces and bring stability to war-torn Iraq.In the South, the British have successfully retreated to the airport and handed over their duties to the Iraq police. These duties include being killed and maimed by IED’s, being blown to bits by suicide bombers and being constantly mortared to death.

George W Bush, having met Abdul-Sattar Abu Risha when he visited Iraq last week, ensured his immediate assassination by aligning the US with him. They do not call him the reverse Midas Touch President for nothing.


The President said he expects to be able to
reduce troop levels to pre-surge levels by next summer and said it is
possible to achieve U.S. objectives in Iraq over the next 300-400 years.


Every district in liberated Baghdad is now separated by concrete walls

Appearing with Petraeus was U.S. Ambassador to Iraq Ryan Crocker. “There is one single moment at which we can claim victory. And that is in our utter and total failure in Iraq,” he said.

House Republicans maintained that failed military achievements in Iraq warrant further investment and faith in the president’s defeated policies.

“The increased presence of this force in Iraq has produced greater anarchy and destruction, so let’s be honest: the military surge is truly winning in failure,” said Armed Services ranking Republican Duncan Hunter, R-Calif.

 

New Study Reveals Junk Food Bad for You

10

A new study conducted in the British Isles has discovered that feeding your children with junk food leads to health problems.

Sharon is from Scunthorpe and feeds her seven children with large amounts of junk food every day.

A typical lunch for one of her children will include a happy meal, 2 meat pies, chips, a packet of crisps and 3 double chocolate glazed donuts with a dollop of lard on the side to bite on.

We ask her how she affords to feed her children on such expensive fare. “Since I been made pregnant at 12 I been getting benefits.”

She divulged that she receives £1750 per week for her seven children, and has her council tax paid for as well as her 40 cigarette a day habit.

All her children are now obese and Sharon herself is hugely obese too. Last October she did not realise that she had been pregnant for 9 months and gave birth in the Benefits Office whilst picking up her Giro. Apparently the baby just fell out when she stood up in the waiting room.

The unhealthy obesity epidemic is increasing in weight daily, especially in Northern England where the tradition is to fry everything they eat in lard and consume large amounts of meat pies and burgers, washing it all down with high sugar soft drinks or ale.

The Daily Squib asked Sharon at what age she started feeding her children high sugar drinks as well as junk food. She replied nonchalantly that it was the norm to be taking the children to fast food restaurants by the age of 6 months.

Life expectancy, especially in deprived areas of Northern England and inner city areas across the UK, are lower than they were in Victorian England and at the height of the polluted Industrial Revolution. Coupled with the fact that more people are being shot and stabbed in the streets every day by junked-up children with guns and knives, life expectancy plummets even further into the abyss.

The already overburdened NHS is in dire straits as the fodder of poverty amasses on its cardiac arrested shores every second of the day, with a black hole where billions of pounds are haemorraged by the wasteful Labour Government in irrelevant policy.

When America sneezes, Britain catches a cold. Except this time the junk food bug is the unholy American import.

“Some may argue that poverty has always been around in Britain and unhealthy lifestyles part and parcel of this fact. The difference with the past however is that when the poor and ignorant were ill due to their horrible lifestyles they would simply die. Now, however, it is up to the NHS to cure them all and at a very high cost to healthy responsible tax payers,” an anonymous source told us yesterday from a hospital in Northern England.

Thus after much deliberation, the lofty conclusion that ‘junk food’ is bad for you as reported by all the papers is totally redundant because as long as there is production there will be mass consumption and a resultant burden on society.

Next week : Why jumping from aeroplanes without parachutes is bad for you

The week after that : Why Junk Food is Good For You

Mothers Warned as Number of Brain-Damaged (FAS) Babies Doubles

10

Experts last night called for a campaign to curb alcohol abuse by pregnant women after figures showed the number of babies left brain damaged each year in Britain has doubled in a decade.

Official statistics show there were 1 million babies registered with Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) in Britain in 2004 bringing to 16 million the number born with the neurological brain disorder in a decade.

However, campaigners warned the damage done to babies from alcohol abuse is far greater than official statistics show, claiming heavy drinking among pregnant women is also linked to learning difficulties, hyperactivity and attention deficit disorder. The number of alcohol-related deaths is rising faster in the UK than anywhere else in Europe.

Statistics from the General Register Office for the United Kingdom show drink was responsible for the deaths of 65,000 women last year, double the number who died 20 years earlier, while it is estimated that three in four women binge drink and more than a third exceed the weekly alcohol limit of 14 units.

Jenna Jameson, executive director of the National Organisation for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome in the UK, the public awareness and support charity, said government should insist the drinks industry provide health warnings on bottles and cans similar to that in the US. The messages state that women should not drink alcohol during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects.

“We have found higher figures for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome than has been revealed. We are now at epidemic level here in the UK and the problem is increasing daily,” she said.

“You hear of children in nursery schools having more hyperactivity, more attention deficit disorder and more speech problems and it is the result of their mothers binge drinking three or four years ago.”

Mrs Jameson said labelling would go some way to changing people’s habits. “We currently have cans and bottles which have warning labels when they are shipped to the US, but there is a blank space when the same cans and bottles are sold in the UK. You could say they are withholding information from women.”

Phil Lynollot, professor in public health at Birmingham University, said there needed to be a concerted campaign, but doubted there was a public desire to change habits.

“Levels of alcohol-related harm for all adults is undoubtedly going up in all social groups,” he said. “It is socially patterned. Those in the poorer parts of the UK are experiencing a worse manifestation of the problem than those in more affluent areas. The idea children are being damaged to a greater extent than in the past seems highly likely.”

The professor added, “There have been some high profile cases which have brought forth the immense problem. Jade Goody, the Big Brother contestant, is an example of this. She has shown the problems of brain-damage through excessive drinking and drug-taking by her mother. It is a good thing that her plight is brought forward into the discussion forum and not brushed under the proverbial carpet.”

Indeed, high profile cases like Jade Goody have introduced the problem of Foetal-Alcohol-Syndrome to the general public but there is still a vast wall of ignorance to be dealt with. Not only from the Goody family but from the general public.

Jade Goody’s mother, Jackie Budden, is an example of how some British women have embraced alcohol and drugs during pregnancy and Jade’s success as a celebrity in the F-list category is also proof that severely mentally incompetent people like Jade Goody can succeed even though they are undeveloped and subnormal with extremely low IQ’s.

 

HOW TO SPOT FOETAL ALCOHOL SYNDROME

Consuming alcohol during pregnancy is the cause of Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS), consisting of a variable degree of birth defects and mental retardation, initially identified by a reduced head size and distinctive facial features.Cell death (apoptosis) induced by alcohol has also been suggested as relevant to craniofacial abnormalities and neurological development. The neurological effects (FAS limits IQ to around 70) may be due to cell death in the embryonic neuroepithelium (the outer layer of the developing neural tube) at an early developmental stage.Some additional evidence suggests that alcohol could also directly damage DNA.

 

Britney Eats Big Mac During MTV Performance

2

Britney Spears’ first major performance in three
years, at the MTV Video Music Awards in Las Vegas, has been hailed as a huge success by her entourage.

The Squib’s Gordon Lightfoot said her performance would “go
down in the history books as being one of the funniest to grace the MTV
Awards”.

Her ex-boyfriend Justin Analcake and R&B star Diarihanna watched in awe.

Analcake took four awards, including top male celebrity autotune mimer, while Diarihanna scooped video of the year for Bucket.

‘Mac Attack’

Spears, who was nominated for many awards, opened the
show dressed in a sequinned bikini and knee-high boots, performing her
new single Gimme More. She got ‘more’ when halfway through her mime act she waved at her assistant to bring her some junk food.



She ate it… it was my burger, it was mine, it was m-i-i-i-i-n-e
Perez Hilton
Celebrity Sleaze Bagger

 

Our correspondent said the performance highlight included Britney “gulping down a Bigmac and fries whilst attempting to mime to her song Gimme More”.

The singer “belched loudly” and “looked as though she completely loved the art of lip-synching”, he said.

Celebrity Sleaze Bagger Perez Hilton opined: “She is the best. Everybody loves Britney’s lip-synchs, I especially loved the bit where she burped and brought up some sick by accident.

“I was ecstatic. It was so good I farted. It was loose. It was embarrassing. And I loved it!”

 


‘It Blew

Everything Else Away

 


MAIN MTV AWARD WINNERS
Video of the year – Diarihanna, Bucket
Male artist of the year – Justin Analcake
Female artist of the year – Turgid
Best group – Fall Out Twink


Singer and producer Acorn added that “she has got so much hot air that it blew everything else away”.

“She seemed hungry… you could tell by the expression on her face, when she saw that Big Mac…BLAM!” he said.

“Instead of just blocking out the hunger and doing her thang, you could tell she was thinking about some serious mac and fries actions.”

The performance comes after a year when Spears publicly
shaved her vagina in a fast food restaurant, went into rehab and fought husband Kevin Cheddarslime for
custody of their two sons.

Diarihanna‘s Bucket, which spent 56 weeks at number one
in the UK, took MTV’s single of the year award, proving that the music business died horribly many years ago.

Bogeyman Osama Bin Laden True Video Location Revealed

0

Exclusive to the Daily Squib we can reveal the frames of the video that the Pentagon has not released to Al Jazeera and all the other US Government controlled news control centres.

The well-orchestrated leak of Osama Bin Laden videos are released at strategic times when the Bush agenda is at its weakest point and needs a boost.

The night before Bush’s re-election was a good time to release another bogeyman video and American voters made the right decision then as well – they re-elected ‘dumbo’.

This time Osama releases a video because Bush is being called out on the ‘troops in Iraq issue’ and wants the people to back him further as well as reinforcing September 11 patriotism.

Anyone who wants occupying troops out of Iraq will be called a traitor and shown the bogeyman video.

The Osama script this time is something out of a Special Ops training manual in ‘mass population fear-mongering’, and lo and behold, to scare the populace even further the monster is complicit in making ridiculous bogeyman scare tactics like, “You must all be converted to Islam.”

Whoever wrote the script must think we are all as stupid as George W Bush. It is painfully obvious that the whole video is a ridiculous ploy engineered to bring more fear to the Fox News watchers of America. No doubt, they will eat that up without any question. In a country where 3 out of 5 people cannot find the USA on a world map, anything is possible.

Next time Bush is in even more hot water, watch for the Osama video. It is almost like clockwork.

Jesus Turned Wine into Water New Study Reveals

0

Scholars have found firm evidence that Jesus Christ turned wine into water.

An intriguing find bears witness to the teetotal miracle that Jesus Christ performed at the Marriage at Cana.

The text from the gospel of John 2:6-10 which has been used for all these years tells of Jesus turning water into wine for the guests of the wedding banquet at Cana.

This however has been found to be a fabrication created by the wine industry at the time of John to encourage consumption of red wine.

Ancient Aramaic words inscribed on a limestone tablet found in Jerusalem on Wednesday by a team of experts from the Geological Survey of Israel have revealed that Jesus was a strict teetotal and shunned alcohol at all costs. This goes against the grain of most Christians and was hushed up for many centuries.

John, who was a devout alcoholic himself, when writing the gospel decided to skip over this facet of Jesus’ character which he did not approve of and changed the miracle around. John is also believed to have received large donations from wine merchants for including the wine miracle into his gospel.

According to the tablet: Jesus at the wedding in Cana changed the wine into water then handed it to guests as an example of goodness. He was then thrown out of the wedding with his followers for changing the wedding’s vast wine supply into water and being such a ‘spoil sport’. The master of the banquet was very angry with Jesus because he paid a lot of money for the wine.

The tablet goes on to say that Jesus was anti-alcohol ever since drinking one too many at a wedding in Hebron aged twelve. The tablet recalls Jesus drinking many amphora’s of wine only to projectile vomit over the assembled wedding party. Needless to say, the tablet describes Jesus leaving the wedding in disgrace. He was put off drink ever since that fateful day and wherever he went would turn wine into water because he could not even stand the sight or smell of it anymore.

Scholars have been astounded by this discovery and churches all over the world are now revising their bibles as we speak.

Hank Shanks, editor of Biblical Alcoholic Review, which announced the discovery, explained that the inscription was reviewed by Methusaleh Chetmyer, one of the world’s foremost experts on first-century Aramaic and a preeminent Dead Sea Scrolls editor. Professor Chetmyer was at first troubled by the spelling of the word for ‘pissed’, because it was a plural form used centuries later. But further research yielded the same form in one of the Dead Sea Scrolls and on another first-century tablet. “I stand corrected,” Professor Chetmyer said.

The head of ‘Alcoholics Anonymous’ has praised the new find and will incorporate Jesus’ new teachings within its world-renowned therapy sessions.

There has been some major opposition regarding the new find from some Christians. “Next they’re going to tell us that Jesus was not blonde with blue eyes and did not have Aryan white skin. What a load of gobbledy gook,” exclaims the Reverend Al Koholik from the Presbyterian Church in West Fulchester Maine.

 

Entire UK Population to be Branded

0

Lord Justice Sedley who proposed mass branding of the UK population with irons has been hailed a hero by the regime in charge.

 

Ministers said branding citizens with irons helped tackle crime. The compulsory UK nationwide branding operation will increase processing centre activity from next month.

A spokesman for Prime Minister Gordon Brown said to
expand the branding operation would create “huge logistical and bureaucratic
issues” and civil liberty concerns but these do not matter any more because “the people of Britain comply to everything we want anyway without question.”

The Labour Government has been branding criminals for years already, and now will extend the branding operation onto the rest of the population.

 

‘Branding Iron’

The process involves using a branding iron to make an impression on the forehead of every UK citizen.

As well as numbers to identify the person there will be a barcode. The information on the barcode will relay to a central computer details of the citizen, their status, their sexuality, their race and also their DNA information.

 
Sir Stephen Sedley

 

 

Gordon Brown has stated that the database and branding iron operation is only a minor inconvenience to the everyday citizen and should be embraced without question.

The Home Secretary outlined in a
Parliamentary debate today on how the branding database shall be controlled. He described the system for branding people as a vital necessity in fighting the War on Terror.

“For the state and your security you will be branded on the forehead with a barcode. There is nothing to worry about and it is totally painless.”

 

Nick Clegg, Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman,
said there was “no earthly reason” why someone who has committed no
crime should be branded with an iron – “yet the government is branding
thousands of innocent people’s foreheads every
month”. The right honourable gentleman Mr Clegg was then taken away to a Processing Centre and branded before disappearing, never to be seen again.

 

The branding operation, which is 12 years old, grows by 30,000 citizens per month and the processing centres have been working over time.

The “UK Branding Processing Centre” in London’s Kings Cross, the
largest in the world, can be identified from space utilising satellite imagery showing the immense smoke clouds from the branding irons and smelting pots.



Every citizen is now guilty before being proven innocent. You are now no more than cattle and criminals to be moulded by politicians and controllers.
Sir Stephen Sedley

 

In one case, Dyfed-Powys Police used a branding iron on
Jeffrey Vineyard, 72, from Pembrokeshire. He was mistakenly branded on the left cheek – and will have to be processed again on the forehead.

Home Office Minister Tony McNulty said the branding process had helped police solve as many as 20 crimes a year.

“By giving up your freedom we are now a safer society. You will trust us with everything. Do not think – just obey.”

Sir Stephen Sedley, who is the master architect of the population control system, is now also proposing the segregation of ‘ethnics’ from the Aryan population.

“We are constructing five new processing centres per month and are incorporating the premise that anyone who enters Britain’s shores will be branded with a barcode. This is to ensure safety for our citizens. We, the controllers, have your best interests at heart so there is nothing to worry about. You may now resume watching Celebrity Can’t Cook Won’t Cook.”

US Finally Reveals Plan for Iraq as Allies Retreat

0

A U.S. general close to the White House says that he has finally come up with a plan for post-illegal-invasion Iraq.

“The US plan is to kill all the Arab Untermensch – so there will not be anymore resistance to our illegal occupation.”

Army Gen. Meat Johnsons, is the co-author of a paper that is credited with laying out the 2 page long architecture of the U.S. stormtrooper surge in Iraq, as well as the initial “Shock and Awe” annihilation campaign.

The plan is to bomb more areas from high altitude and kill more Iraqi civilians. Already, the American perpetual War has murdered over 600,000 Iraqi civilians and pumped the country full of depleted uranium, but the key ‘Surge’ report states that the target for civilian deaths has not even reached the 1.5 million mark which was the amount of deaths at the hands of the US Army in Vietnam.

“When there are no Iraqis and Arabs left, that’s when the US wins the war.”

 


The Surge

 

 

“We need to address this issue of not meeting our Surge targets yet. The killing must get up to speed to meet monthly death targets and we gotta beat that Nam score dammit. Besides, I gotta bet with Dubya for five bucks that I beat the score by Christmas.”

US troops were training all year round for The Surge and the gruelling regimen even involved wrestling to hone their skills in dealing with combat stress.

 

 

American Military tactics involve bombing from high altitude, then strafing areas where any movement is detected with massive firepower and if that does not work, bringing in the incendiary bombs.

These burn everything in the vicinity with white phosphorous and were used heavily in Fallujah to kill everything in the city.

 

The British

 


The abrasive General however has had ample time to have a pop at the British.

“If it wasn’t for the US those Limeys would be speaking German,” Johnsons told The Daily Squib, angry at British forces backing away from the illegal occupation and Uncle Sam sanctioned Iraqi genocide.

“We lost Vietnam, Cambodia and Korea because of the Limeys and now the War on Terrors is being threatened once again the Limeys is backing off!”

The Daily Squib asked the American General whether he knew anything of the concept of ‘winning hearts and minds’ and he replied quite adamantly that he did. “It’s callled a gun motherf*ckers! This is the American way and we’re gonna be here for the next thirty years or however it’s gonna take to complete the de-populationization operations dammit! We do not need the Limeys anyway, we got ammo and then some!”

The comments are the first public criticism of British policy by a U.S. military insider since Prime Minister Gordon Brown took office.

The British Ministry of Defense acknowledged today that despite the American plans to continue the illegal occupation and oil revenue acquisition program, British forces will leave Iraq before the Americans and will continue with the troop reduction.

The number of British troops in Iraq has decreased from 5,200 at the beginning of this year to 2,500, and is expected to drop to 500 by the beginning of next month.

 

KAjwhriuw024hvjbed2SORH