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I Freed Millions from Life, Says President With No Regrets

Gina Gershon
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4
I Freed Millions from Life, Says President With No Regrets

 

Chao Ab Ordo

For a political leader who has rivalled Gordon Brown’s slippery nosedive in the opinion polls in the past year, president George W Bush looked remarkably untroubled by self-doubt as he crossed Europe last week.

The focus back home has shifted to the battle between Barack Obama and John McCain to salvage something out of the carnage and economic turmoil Bush has left behind. But Bush, on his last European tour as American President, is determined to justify the mass killing spree his foreign policy has adopted around the world and especially in the Middle East.

At street level, the president’s visit to Slovenia, Germany, Italy, France and now Britain has sometimes had an almost surreal quality. The war president has calmly spoken of his decisions over the years to kill and murder as many Arabs and Muslims as he can possibly manage. He has spoken of his joy at occupying Arab territory permanently and using up as much of their natural resources whilst systematically poisoning their ‘untermensch’ populations with depleted uranium.

 


Stormtrooper Duff McKagan processes another Iraqi to
soon be freed from living via torture in Abu Ghraib prison

 

On the road to Fiumicino airport in Rome, where as in other capitals on his itinerary the police had far outnumbered any demonstrators, one taxi driver remarked: ‘Bush is a stone-cold killer and murderer, he makes Caligula look like Mother Theresa.’ But when asked what he thought about the US President’s killing technique, the taxi driver replied less favourably: ‘He is not as genocidally efficient as the Germans, they perfected the art of mass murder — this Bush is messy even though he is responsible for millions of deaths and economic turmoil as well!’

Murder by numbers

Bush’s focus, as he made clear in a lengthy Fox News interview before his arrival in London today for talks with Brown, has been on increasing the kill rate of civilians in Iraq whilst minimising the cost per kill ratio. “A missile costs $35,000 and we need to kill more sand-ni**ers per missile to make it worthwhile, hell we even tried frying the bastards with ‘shake and bake’ (white phosphorous) but they’re like ‘roaches’ and always find a way of living.” Bush has stated repeatedly that the ‘Christianization’ and ‘Gitmoization’ of Iraq is a major priority. Indeed, his Christian values are increasingly coming into evidence with his program of demolishing mosques and building pig farms, fast-food restaurants and casinos over the sites.

 


An Iraqi father and son relax during freedom processing

 

On his way to London, Bush was pressing broadly sympathetic leaders in Berlin, Rome and Paris on the issue of ‘assimilation to evangelical born again Christianity through genocide’ for the Middle East, as well as on the need to beef up permanent bases in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Asked what he thinks his legacy might be, he says he is happy to await the verdict of history. But he cannot resist also offering his own, suggesting ‘the liberation of 5 million people from their lives is my goal and I have nearly achieved this target’. Bush’s War of Terror has murdered millions of people in the name of oil profits whilst shutting down all civil liberties, but this is still not enough, he has vowed to reach his kill target of 5 million deaths by the end of his presidency.

Liberation from life

As the jacketless president expanded on his foreign policy strategy in the garden of the palatial 17th-century US ambassador’s residence on a Rome hilltop, he was keen to shift the focus onto the prospect of American military action against Iran. His interest, he said, was in ‘mass nu-cu-lear genocide results’ – in demonstrating sufficient Christian Western might, a volksgemeinschaft of freeing the lebensunwertes leben from their sorry lives.

Asked in the Rome interview about popular opposition in Britain to the war and his presidency, he replied: ‘Do I care? The only thing I care about is not being responsible for more killing and deaths. I am asked everyday if I enjoy the power I have when I order the mass murder of millions of people? Of course I do, I can be playing golf and a call will come through of 500,000 more Iraqis dead — brings a tingle of pleasure down my back every time.’

He remained, he said, convinced that Iraq, and the world, was a better place without Arabs and Muslims. “I am on a mission from God to kill Muslims,” he exclaimed.

‘We didn’t realise, nor did anyone else,’ Bush said, ‘that killing Arabs would so much goddamn fun. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel … we will soon have them eating pork products and watching American dirt movies whilst gambling in Iraqi casinos, ha ha ha hahah ha aha ha ahaha ha ah ahahahahahaha ha .’

 

Traitorous Irish Rebels Attempt to Scupper Soviet European State

Gina Gershon
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1
Traitorous Irish Rebels Attempt to Scupper Soviet European State

There has been upheaval in the Irish EU Soviet Sector with murmurs of democracy being uttered under the breaths of the people.

Supreme central command in Brussels will see fit to crush any vile ‘democratic’ rebellion and has sent a brigade of Bolshevik troops to crush the abhorrent rebellion.

Unelected Comrade Brown of the Soviet British sector, who answers to the head of the Soviet European State, Comrade Barroso, was on hand to reassure his superiors that there would be no such attempts at democracy in Soviet Britain unlike the rebellious potato munching leprachaunite Irish traitors to the Soviet EU constitution of totalitarian authority led by supreme elite unelected controllers.

Re-Educating the Irish

“Unlike the Irish who have embraced the weak bourgeois tendency to democracy and the right for a vote from the people, Britain will not be encumbered by such ridiculous nonsense. We will ratify the Soviet EU constitution for a totalitarian state and one-world government controlled by a few unelected Soviet European elites. Dearest comrades, it is for your benefit that we will be pushing through this constitution even when the people of Soviet EU Sectors in Ireland, France or Netherlands have voted against it,” Comrade Brown then let out a hearty laugh and was applauded by all in the Westminster duma.

Political Commissar for Re-Education, Comrade Ed Balls, has been ordered to go to Ireland to re-educate the Irish prole masses on how to comport themselves within the Soviet EU. Irish dissenters who do not follow the Comrade Balls EU Re-Education programs will be despatched to eco-gulags.

Elite unelected leaders in Brussels today were talking about inviting Comrade Robert
Mugabe into their ranks because of a great admiration for his techniques in winning over his people in the Eur-African Soviet sector.

Comrade José Manuel Barroso, the president of the European Soviet Totalitarian Commission, said: “The democratic vote in Ireland is not a problem for the proposed Soviet Lisbon Treaty. We will push through the Soviet assimilation process with the necessary Bolshevik
brainwashing processes; 18 Soviet states have already approved the treaty with pay-offs and torture, and the Politburo division believes the remaining ratifications should continue to take their course. I believe the treaty is alive.”

Europe’s elite unelected leaders will simply steamroller their blueprint through despite the Irish rejection. There is no time for such fickle and petty doctrines like ‘democracy’ in the Soviet State of Europe.

Notice: B64345 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo and the Soviet EU State!

Gordon Brown Reduces Gulag Detentions to 42 Years

Gina Gershon
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0
Gordon Brown Reduces Gulag Detentions to 42 Years

With our great Soviet liberties of freedom there are many who think that the 120 million cctv cameras, DNA databases, microchipping, surveillance of all telephone and email correspondence, information databases, fingerprinting, scanners, biometrics, microchipping  and indefinite incarceration in gulags is not enough to ensure our Soviet democracy and freedom.

Our kind and fair great leader of the Soviet State of Britain has announced today that instead of being detained for 65 years, as is customary for anyone who disobeys the great Soviet state, there will be a holding period of only 42 years in a gulag.

“We, as a free country, must uphold the tenets of Soviet Bolshevik freedom in Britain today. I understand that 65 years of hard-labour in a gulag for anyone deemed an enemy of the Soviet state was too harsh and therefore I have been ordered by our great leader to reduce the sentencing to 42 years. The enemies of the Soviet Bolshevik State of England will not thus win a victory against our liberties and freedom,” Comrade Jacqui Smith, Commissar for ABC’s and ASBO’s outlined at a special Westminster duma meeting on Friday.

Thought-crime is also a punishable offence and anyone who harbours bad thoughts or plans on undermining our great Soviet father, Comrade Brown, will be despatched immediately to one of the thousands of gulags situated in sector 101 Northern Britain.

Our supreme unelected leader has outlined in his ten year Age of Change plan to increase gulag numbers to one million so as to contain any dissent of the state’s great workings.

British Soviet prole populations were ecstatic at hearing the news that the jailing period of 65 years has been reduced to 42 years. There were celebrations in sectors 34 – 57 and an extra chocolate ration of one bar was released by our great unelected master Gordon Brown.

We also have news of the bourgeois lickspittle traitor to the Regime of Soviet Change, David Davies. Yes, comrades, he has been despatched to a gulag in Haltemprice and Howden where he will be incarcerated for 42 years of hard Labour.

Notice: B64221 INGSOCK Long Live the Gordo!

Damien Hirst Self-Portrait Sells for Record £387 Million

Gina Gershon
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1
Damien Hirst Self-Portrait Sells for Record £387 Million

The self-portrait which was painted by one of Hirst’s many assistants was sold to an anonymous phone bidder at lunchtime today.

The painting is part of the Hirst ‘Arse Series’ where he depicts himself as the contemporary ‘anal bullshit’ con-artist that he is.

“I aim to paint myself as limitless angular momentum in constant toilet flushing flux. My anal sphincter muscles loosen and expel hydrostatic equilibrium into the anus-sphere of existence and of course stick a dead fucking cow in there too,” Hirst writes in Arthole magazine.

Hirst is a well seasoned con-artist and has ripped off many artists including Gerhard Richter’s colour chart series, made between 1966 and 1974 and Austrian artist Alphons Schilling’s ‘Spin’ paintings.

New London Taxi Cabs Unveiled

Gina Gershon
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0
New London Taxi Cabs Unveiled

Horse Power

The new London horse-driven taxis have been welcomed by cabbies because of the low running costs and the punters are delighted as well because of the low taxi charges. Where a passenger in a diesel operated cab could expect to pay £350.00 for a half mile cab trip, they can now get away with paying 30 pence for a horse driven trip across London.

London cabbie, Reg Carbunkle had this to say about the new taxis: “Blimey guv, it’s that Gordon Brown innit? He’s got 70% tax on all petrol in this country and when the oil price went up – peak oil and all that lark – we got scuppered well and good. It used to cost me £590 per hour to run my cab with diesel — so we came up with a solution. Horses mate, yes! Ya know the smelly animals that shit all over the effin’ place, nah I ain’t talkin’ about Amy Winehouse cuz she looks and smells like one innit. ‘Ere I ‘ad that John Prescott in me cab last night, yeah two jags triple chins Prescott, ‘e chundered in me cab something silly when ‘e was telling me about curbing my carbon emissions and recycling his vomit, that ain’t going to pay for me diesel will it? Effing bast@ard!”

Labour government ministers and Treasury fuel tax collectors however have not been happy about horses being introduced into their fuel tax bonanza. With the cost of fuel being made up of 70% tax that goes straight to the Treasury there are now calls to tax horses.

More tax please we’re British

“We are going to have to tax horses at a similar rate to motor vehicles. We will be introducing further horse licence taxes. In addition all horses will have to have an MOT and certificate of taxation. In August of this year we will also be increasing taxation on horse shit dropped by every horse, this is to curb volatile gases leading to global warming,” a senior tax collector revealed to the Guardian newspaper how the government plans on clawing back lost fuel tax revenue.

London cabbies have anticipated this taxing move by the Labour government and are now switching to mules which are not taxed yet.

It’s OK ‘Keep Panic Buying Petrol’ Brown Urges

Gina Gershon
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6
It’s OK ‘Keep Panic Buying Petrol’ Brown Urges

ONLY SEVENTY FIVE PENCE FUEL TAX/POUND

With seventy five pence from every pound spent on petrol going to the British Soviet Treasury in fuel tax and duty, Comrade Brown is urging more panic at the pumps.

ONLY SIX POUNDS PER GALLON

Oil as a commodity is cheaper than milk. However, with Labour’s fuel tax and fuel duty, it is now nearly over five pounds thirty per gallon for unleaded and six pounds fifty pence per gallon for diesel. The United Soviet State of Britain has the highest fuel taxes in the world and British prole drivers are the biggest cash cows in the world.

EVERYTHING IS ALRIGHT PANIC EMERGENCY

Gordon Brown yesterday called on motorists to panic buy fuel as
ministers activated emergency measures to take in as much tax revenue as they can deal with ahead of a
threatened four-day strike by tanker drivers starting on Friday. By creating a mass feeding frenzy from petrol stations across the nation due to reports that Shell tanker drivers were to strike, the Labour government is sure to come into a massive tax windfall. By ensuring the panic buying masses continue with the feeding frenzy, the Soviet British State will accumulate large reserves of fuel tax cash for its tax-rich overloaded coffers.

DO NOT WORRY KEEP PANIC BUYING NOW

“The English are a breed unto themselves. They seem to happily accept every indignity and injustice heaped upon them without question or protest. Our populations have been brainwashed into slave subservience and are the most pliable plebiscites in the whole world. A credit to us controllers who have steered the sheeple into the pen ready for mass fleecing,” Commissar for Fuel Tax, Harry Balls, said at a news briefing for the British Soviet Treasury on Friday.

YOU MUST PANIC CALM PANIC CALM

Labour ministers were congratulating themselves and there were many pats on the back today for encouraging the panic buying of fuel at petrol stations across the United Soviet State of Britain. Despite taking nearly 80 pence from every pound spent on petrol in the United Soviet State of Britain in tax, Comrade Brown still plans to reward the population with a further 2 pence fuel tax increase by August 2008.

“Comrades, we welcome the panic buying! Out of every pound spent we make nearly eighty pence on fuel tax. Thank you for blindly consuming petrol at these prices for many years. We will continue to increase the fuel tax we receive from you and spend it on incompetent, impotent and useless politicians, waste, cronyism, stupidity, cowardice and greed. And who knows? Out of all the money we’re making, we might even be able to start another war! Our only worry is that petrol stations might eventually run out of fuel from the mass panic buying which would mean that all of the tax revenue we’re currently receiving would come to a panicky abrupt end. But in the meantime, please carry on panicking — there is nothing to worry about and everything to panic about!” a jubilant Comrade Brown told the BBC4 news yesterday.

Barack Hussein Obama Vows to Wage Jihad on Christian American Doubters

Gina Gershon
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1
Barack Hussein Obama Vows to Wage Jihad on Christian American Doubters

As he gears up for his general election fight against John McCain, Mr Obama and his chief advisers are gearing up for a massive fight to win over Christian voters in America, amid polling data showing that a significant number of Americans believe Muslims are all suspicious terrorists and barbaric suicide bombers ready to behead Christians and rape good old clean Christian girls, there has been a massive scramble to quell such fears about his background. Such doubts were a factor in his poor showing with white, blue-collar Christian voters during his primary battle with Hillary Clinton.

In recent days Mr Obama has — unprompted — brought up the subject of his five day prayer habit and his recent pilgrimage to Mecca. Barack Obama, who was sworn in as a US senator on the Koran; has a long road ahead of him in a country full of Christians and evangelical bible-belters. Many Americans have been programmed to abhor Muslims and make them a pariah to be despised and feared.

The powerful Jewish lobby, the AIPAC, has warned American voters about Mr Obama: “Let me know if you see this guy named Barack Obama because he sounds pretty scary. We need a candidate who will be accepted by Israel. America has been controlled for many years and we do not want to compromise the motherlands control over this great nation.”

Adilah Kumar Mohammed, a spokeswomen for Mr Obama, told The Daily Squib that the Jihad team was still being finalised.

She added: “The only way to run our campaign is to respond immediately when Islamic prejudice information is put out. The [emails] are saying he’s a Muslim. He is. He’s a Muslim and there is nothing to be ashamed of. He often brings up the e-mails that are out there and the smear campaign that’s been run against him and all Muslims on the internet. We definitely recognise that prejudice about someone’s belief system or creed or colour is wrong in all circumstances. No one should be made to feel ashamed of their religion or colour and issue denials. Religion or colour should not matter when running for president. Only in racist countries does it matter. The USA is not institutionally racist we hope.”

The “Jihad room” comes as the Obama campaign prepares a series of biographical speeches, television advertisements and campaign appearances to tell his life story, an attempt to make voters more familiar with his Islamic roots. Despite his long nomination fight against Mrs Clinton, his campaign aides concede that millions of Americans still feel that they do not really know him.

Mr Obama’s Kenyan father, who left the family when he was 2, was a Muslim, but not particularly religious. The Illinois senator lived in Indonesia from the age of 6 until 10 with his white, American mother and Indonesian stepfather, who was also a Muslim. Mr Obama is a moderately devout Muslim and attends prayer at his local mosque on a regular basis. He moved from being moderately devout Muslim to finding Mohammed in his 20s, with the help of his former Chicago Imam: the Mullah Jeremiah Ibn Ali-Wright, a figure whose incendiary Islamic sermons now haunt his candidacy and has increased suspicions among some voters about his patriotism.

A poll in mid-March found that 93 per cent of Americans think that Mr Obama is a Muslim and should therefore be feared and shunned — a 5 per cent increase since December 2007. Another found that 83 per cent of Democrats who hold negative views of him believe that he is a Muslim and is therefore a terrorist and not to be trusted. The same survey showed that 4 per cent of voters view him as patriotic, compared with 76 per cent for the white Christian, Mrs Clinton and 90 per cent for the white Christian, Mr McCain.

In recent weeks Mr Obama has pinned an American flag badge to his suit lapel after being criticised by Republicans for not wearing one.

He locked horns with Mr McCain on Monday over the faltering economy, the number one issue with voters, as the Democrat started a 17-day economics tour with a speech in North Carolina lambasting the Republican over his support for the fiscal policies of President Bush.

The geriatric Arizona senator pre-empted his rival’s address by painting him as a “liberal tax-and-spender” and a “towelheaded Jihadist Terrorist”.

Paris Hilton Sawn in Half

Gina Gershon
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0

 

Unfortunately for the audience and rest of the world it was only an illusion.

The ex-heiress, Paris Hilton, who has had her £50 million inheritance retracted, volunteered to be sawn in two at the Mirage hotel by illusionists Jeff Beacher and Nathan Burton.

 

 


After the illusion took place, a midget came on stage and escorted Ms. Paris Hilton back to her seat.
Paris and her new boyfriend, Benji Madden, who are expecting their first child in a few months, then left the show.

Britain’s Got Stabbing

Gina Gershon
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0
Britain’s Got Stabbing

Simon Scowell, who is making another 100 million pounds from his latest ‘talent’ show ‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’, has chosen this year’s winning teenage knife crew for Britain. Also sitting on the panel is the disgraced ex-newspaper editor Piers Moron.

Over the past six weeks they have whittled down the finalists from 400,000 hopefuls and after coming this far the finalists truly deserve their accolade.

The stage is set and the raw flesh on show is truly astounding.

‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’ gets off to a spectacular start when three people are savagely stabbed in the audience. The blood trickles down the studio steps and even reaches the stage where the main stabbing display takes place.

Up first for the final night are the Bracknell crew who are a very talented bunch of twelve year olds.

They show their prowess by completing an egg and knife race in under three minutes, the finale of their presentation culminates in taking out an old lady’s kidney with the precision of a trained surgeon whilst calling her a ‘slag’. Their tools of choice are sharpened kitchen knives borrowed from their homes.

Bracknell crew third place

Second place goes to the Leeds crew who can drink Aldi Wine by the gallon and gut unsuspecting pedestrians by the bus load.

They manage to drink 25 cartons of cheap wine each and still are able to stab with precision. One of the crew, Lee Feral, 14, plunges a 7 inch blade into a camera man’s back and removes his liver. The Leeds crew then throw the still spitting liver into the jubilant audience as Simon and Piers applaud fiercely.

Their wondrous presentation ends with the camera man’s bloodied twitching torso projectile vomiting over the audience as he slumps to the floor dead as a dodo.

The audience laps it all up and cheers them off stage to rapturous applause.

The Leeds crew and Aldi wine list second place
Finally we come to the first prize winner and Scowell with his fellow judges applaud furiously at the spectacle.

It’s the Enfield Massive, and they know their stuff. They show off their sparkling new Argos kitchen knives, which of course are made in China and are as blunt as a rusty old bread knife.

The bluntness of the blades are demonstrated on one of the shows researchers when he is set upon by the whole Enfield crew and slowly gutted in 8 minutes 34 seconds. His entrails are then thrown on the floor where the Blue Peter dog from the adjoining studio laps them up hungrily.


Enfield Massive and the winners of ‘Britain’s Got Stabbing’

Simon Scowell applauds furiously at the sight because not only have the Enfield Massive carved the poor researcher up but he is still alive – such is the precise knife-work of the crew even with a blunt instrument.

Kevin, 13 and Lee, 15, spot another opportunity to show off their superior carving equipment by embedding the knives deep in Piers Moron’s back. This wonderful act brings the house down in frenzied applause replete with standing ovations and severed limbs being thrown in celebration onto the stage as a show of approval.

This genius denouement is applauded by all and Simon Scowell gives it a full thumbs up. Piers Moron is also applauding wildly and still attempts to flash his smarmy fake smile despite having six large kitchen knives embedded deep in his back, the blood gushing out of him arcs up like a curious fountain of claret and sprays members of the audience much to their delight.

The Enfield crew win the £100,000 and have now been granted the additional accolade of
performing in front of the Queen at Buckingham Palace.

Britain sure has a lot of talented stabbing teens this year and The Daily Squib is very proud to be part of this great nation’s talent pool – of blood.

Hillary Clinton to be Given Job as White House Intern

Gina Gershon
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0
Hillary Clinton to be Given Job as White House Intern

After winning the much-coveted nomination for the Democrat party, Barack Obama has extended an olive branch to Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton by offering her the position of White House intern once he gets into the White House.

Political analyst, Alma Spunkmeyer writing in the Washington Daily Chronicle thinks that Mrs Clinton will be “disappointed at not getting the Vice President job”, but will be glad to be back in the White House anyway.

Throughout the last four months there has been much back-biting and bad blood between the two candidates but this gesture from Obama is seen to be the catalyst that will heal the wounds that have been inflicted during the primaries.

“You never know, she may even be able to pay off some of the money she owes. Interns do not really get a salary but she can always do favours for White House staff and maybe earn some pocket money. I’m not sure though if she will be able to claw back the $30 million campaign debt though,” a senior White House staffer was quoted as saying on the Drudge Report.

Hillary will be required to attend special meetings at the White House but will not be allowed to wear a blue dress. She will also be responsible for keeping the White House cigars fresh and in good supply for staffers.

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