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BNP Wants Foreign Factory Robots Out

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“These robots come to our country, take all the work from English factory robots and think they own the place? Well, I’ve got news for you’se lot. They smell as well, yeah we want those stinking robots out of here,” Mr Griffin told a conference room in a Dagenham hub cap factory on Tuesday.

English industry utilises foreign made robots in their factories from many countries including: Japan, Germany and Korea and the BNP are determined to have them removed permanently.

“Just ship ’em back to where they f*cking came from innit? We’ve got yellow machines, black machines, red one’s too, doing work that English machines should be doing. We won’t stand for it anymore!” one of Nick Griffin’s deputies, Lee Skinhead, told the Daily Mail.

The BNP plans on lobbying the European Union this week to put an end to foreign robots invading Britain and are already trying to build some English factory robots from bits of scrap metal and empty beer cans.

“If we build our own factory robots making such things as hub caps and widgets, we would not be invaded by foreign robots in our factories,” Mr Griffin added.

United Nations to Evacuate Brangelina Children After Split

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After news came through yesterday that Hollywood film stars Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had split, the United Nations intervened to try and repatriate the adopted children back to where they had been bought.

“This is a huge operation and we are working against time here. We are mobilising helicopters, trucks and transport aircraft. The amount of children that Angelina adopted is a force to be reckoned with; some of them from Africa, South America and the Far East. It is a massive logistical operation that will take many resources to pull off. We appeal to everyone to show some restraint during the rescue mission,” UNICEF’s Senior Director of Operations, Gonzalez Demerera, told CNN yesterday.

The Brangelina clan have enjoyed a good number of years touting baby pictures as well as accumulating numbers but it looks like time has finally caught up with the dysfunctional family.

Bankers Furious After Bonuses Accidentally Directed to Haiti

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Amongst the wailing bodies of the distraught Haitians who have had their lives completely destroyed, there was an even worse wailing sound emanating from the offices of Goldman Sachs after an operator error caused a monetary malfunction thus sending some of the much awaited bonuses to Haiti.

“I’ve never heard anyone crying like that, poor old beggar, he needs his Aston Martin and Lamborghini serviced next month. Where the f*ck is he going to get the money for it?” Joel Hemmingwart, a senior analyst who did receive his bonus this year told the FT.

This is a terrible time for the bankers involved and some are so distraught that they didn’t even attend a bonus party at a sleazy London strip joint last night.



“Usually this time of year we hire a jet and fly off to Corfu for a day trip of golf, sea and s
*x with high class escorts. I’ve just been told that £800,000 of my bonus was wired to some tin pot shack in Haiti. Those people don’t know the first thing about caviar, shagging pr*stitutes and champagne! If I have to fly over there myself and pry my money out of their dying hands god help me I will,” another disgusted banker was quoted as saying by the FT.

An appeal has been launched so that the bankers can be repatriated with their bonuses as soon as possible.

Funky Obama Photos Could Not Boost Democrat Massachusetts Votes

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“We thought we could beat that Scott Brown Cosmo shoot with some quality pics of Barry in his seventies funkateer suit which he wore in Studio 54 whilst dumping Quaaludes like they were vitamins. Dang, the Republicans got this waterboarding assclown to wave his balls around and the women voted. Shows how goddamn powerful that sh*t is. Obama just coudn’t cut it with that freaky suit and platform shoes. Nigga, looks like he was into some bad sh*t back in the day,” Arnold Silverman, one of the vote moderators told ABC news.

The Republican win has now jeapordised the Democrat stranglehold on the Senate as well as the trillion dollar Obamacare fiasco that may soon be buried in a deep grave next to Obama’s huge f*cking ego.

“Obama lost big time. He no longer walking on water, he be drowning in a sea of shit. This be’s some racist sh*t because he’s black and all the white folks they’s can be pay fo’ they’s own healthcare but we can’t, sho’ nuff they sho did vote some ‘n’ now we is all f*cked up now,” Shaquanda Wallace, 45, a resident of Ellis Pines in downtown Atlanta told the regional radio station yesterday.

Looks like Obama will have to now move to plan B to try and introduce the Healthcare reforms.

“Next time we have an election I’m going to get Michelle to get her booty out and show some of her chest off. Hell, might as well go the whole hog and slap ’em all out fo’ everyone to see. As long as we get the Healthcare thing through I don’t care,” the president told a White House press conference yesterday after the results came through.

British Airways Staff to be Handcuffed to Trolleys

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“They may want to strike but they won’t be able to after we strap them down in the aeroplanes,” BA’s director Willie Walsh told a news conference at Heathrow on Monday.

The extreme contingency plans have been implemented after there were threats from airline staff to hold another strike that would cripple the already loss-making airline.

By handcuffing air staff to their trolleys there have been safety concerns raised but these have been overruled by the positive aspects of enslavement.

“At least this way, if I want another gin and tonic at 30,000 feet I will be able to get one because a trolley dolly will be in the aisle handcuffed and ready to serve. Before, I would have to scream bloody murder to get service but now there are about two or three trolleys ready whether they like it or not,” a jubilant BA passenger told the BBC.

British Airways staff were said to be disgusted at the news of being handcuffed to their trolleys and some even went out of their way to try to smuggle hacksaws onto planes but were thwarted by airport security.

“This is nothing more than modern day slavery. During a 24 hour flight to Australia I was handcuffed to my trolley and forced to work non-stop. I only got one toilet break and even then the cabin master would not remove the chains. Have you ever tried to have a pee on an aeroplane with a trolley partially blocking the toilet doors? The whole plane watched me wiping my kebab,” Jill Munster, 54, a long suffering BA air hostess told the BBC.

How 50 Per Cent Tax Rise May Ensure Brit Win at Wimbledon

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“Now that no foreign sports stars can afford to come over to the UK because of the 50 per cent tax, the only ones playing will be British players,” Henry Davenport, the BBC’s tennis correspondent said.

According to sports experts the draconian tax laws will restrict the growth of all British sport and not just tennis.

“No one is coming to these shores anymore. And would you blame them? How about I take away half of your money and give it to Gordon Brown to waste on some useless tinpot idea,” John Edwards, an Olympic athlete told the Times.

Officials at Wimbledon are just as baffled as the rest of the sports world, because with no foreign players coming to Wimbledon there will only be a few British players to play the games.

“We’re trying to train people up right now to fill in the spaces. We’ve only got three British players who can play professional standard tennis, so we’re going to all the parks and putting up signs on trees etc to see if anyone wants to play at Wimbledon. We can’t pay anyone but if you participate we’ll give you a few sandwiches and a cup of dishwater for your troubles,” Colonel Graham Fortnoy, the Wimbledon Lawn Director told the BBC.

The positive outcome of the 50 per cent tax issue is that this year there will finally be a British tennis champion after seventy four years.

Bin Laden Could Be Walking Around In Many Disguises Says FBI

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In
a first “aged progressed” mugshot, he is portrayed in western clothes
with a modern haircut and a trimmed beard; a second shows the
terrorist leader in his traditional outfit, with a mullet hairstyle; a third shows the terror chief wearing a bowl haircut and the last one in traditional attire with turban and long beard.

Forensic artists used digital enhancement to modify Bin Laden’s features in an attempt to show what he might now look like.

“We thought we had caught up with Bin Laden in a mall in Georgia last week but he disappeared almost as quickly as he appeared. We were that close dammit!” FBI director in general, Albert Koslowski, told the Times newspaper.


Bin Laden (left) sports a razor cut style and (right) a classic bowl hairstyle


The classic look (left) with some serious mulletude (right)

China to Censor China

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Speaking at a Censorship Ministry meeting to address the issue of censorship, the officer in charge of all Censor-Speak in China, Ziang Shh Shh, said: “Listen carefully because my words will be censored as soon as I speak. Comrades, fellow brainwashed robots, your every word will be censored from now on. In fact, all language is an afront to our ideology of total censorship.”

As soon as Mr Shh Shh spoke, a Censor Officer stood up and shot Mr Shh Shh in the head with a gun, his body was then dragged away so that his body parts could be harvested.

All speech and written language in China is now subject to heavy censorship. One man at a Shanghai bus stop even had his sneeze censored because it was an unauthorised sneeze session and therefore deemed as a threat to the communist state. Schools across China have also borne the brunt of the new censorship directives: “Everything a person says now has to be passed through an intermediator of the state. This is why school lessons can now take up to 8 hours to complete a lesson that usually takes 45 minutes,” a disgruntled teacher said before being censored.

The Chinese government has also decided to censor the Great Wall of China by putting a piece of cloth over the long structure and pretending it’s not there.

Even the head of the People’s Republic, Hu Jintau, has not escaped censorship when a recent speech he wrote was censored by his own hand. He ended up stepping onto the podium in front of 650,000 people gathered in Tiananmen square who heard him grunting inaudibly whilst shuffling his feet. Of course, the president’s speech was received with the usual automatic applause which was immediately censored with the use of speakers blurting out high pitched siren sounds mixed in with farm yard animal noises.

Tony Blair to be Paid to Talk About His War Crimes

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“The only way you can get Tony Blair to do anything is to pay him thousands of dollars,” remarked an eager Texan businessman who is desperate to hear Tony Blair speak about the atrocities committed in Iraq under his name.

It is quite fitting that the ex-PM is now coming to the heart of Texas to give the speech, as this is the home state of George W Bush, an acquaintance of Mr Blair.

The lecture hall in Houston,Texas, was hired by a group of 35 businessmen who were eager to see Mr Blair speak.

“The British Ex-PM said that his rate is $150,000 per three hour speech. So we had a whip round and he accepted to speak about the illegal war in Iraq and how he was complicit in the murder of over six million people,” Geoffrey Sharpton, one of the organisers told the Texas Times.

Tony Blair, who is immune to any form of prosecution, is above all law so will never be prosecuted for his war crimes.

Oil Futures to Surge as Obama's General Petraeus Plans Iran Invasion

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Iran has defied the West’s orders for assimilation for long enough and will soon have to pay the ultimate price much like how Saddam Hussein’s Iraq paid.

U.S General David Petraeus, the head of Centcom, says the American military has had plans for an Iran attack for some time and are already sizing up the oil fields there.

“We did the exact same thing with Iraq that we are now doing with Iran. We already have a permanent foothold in Iraq and we will use that as a stepping stone to launch the attack into Iran. They will assimilate with the West eventually because we cannot have a true global society controlled by America and Israel without the complete destruction of rogue maverick states like Iran. Much like Iraq, Iran will be bombed to hell, then we will eventually send in the troops when everyone is dead,” General Petraeus said.

The Americans have already factored in the consequences of their Imperial stupidity by acknowledging the fact that when the Persians are attacked they will simply close off the Straits of Hormuz, where 40% of the world’s oil passes, and the world oil price would probably rise above $800 per barrel or even more. Strategically speaking, invading Iran is a suicide operation that could only be attempted by an insane religious zealot alcoholic moron with severe mental retardation and a fervent penchant for psychotic pleasure derived from hurting millions of people from his armchair — now that George W Bush is out of the way, it is up to Obama, the stooge, to prove himself to his handlers.

Preparations have been underway for the Iran attack for quite some time. The US military and naval build up within the Persian gulf has been going on for the past year as well as a massive troop buildup in American owned Iraq. The plan will most probably be a joint attack with Israel utilising high altitude bombing runs on strategic Iranian nuclear sites similar to the recent bombing by Israel of a Syrian suspected nuclear site in Syria’s eastern desert near the Euphrates River.

Further preparations of the imminent Iranian attack are also the reason why Obama has been filling the 703 million-barrel Strategic Petroleum Reserve (SPR) in Bryan Mound, Texas and Louisiana with 66,000 barrels of oil per day.

Oil $800 per barrel

Investors are betting that oil prices will continue rocketing for years to come and the imminent Obama attack on Iran will ensure a good windfall for investors and a good fallout (the radioactive kind) for everyone else in the Middle East.

Long-term oil future prices have jumped at an unprecedented rate in a sign that investors are buying up stocks of oil en masse to preempt the invasion of Iran.

This follows a handful of rumours from major analysts that oil prices could soar towards $800 (£500) when Obama attacks Iran.

Traders worldwide and investors are already factoring the cost of another American war in the Middle East with Iran as the next victim of US posturing and attempts at hegemony.

“With the increase in oil prices we see an increase in cost to deliver vital goods and food to the consumer. This results in massive inflation and unaffordable costs for basic goods. We advise people to start growing vegetables in their gardens and stockpiling canned food and water because when Obama presses the button, you can say goodbye to the supermarket. The government will not help you and we will all have marshal law where you will be shot on sight by troops for trying to get food or water for your family,’ Yitzak Hymie wrote in the Jerusalem Post on Tuesday.

At a recent press conference, a journalist for the Washington Times asked Obama if it was feasible for America to attack Iran; the answer was given in true Obama flashy style: “Yes, we can!” he said with a toothy grin.

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