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David Cameron: “I Will Pay £1.7 Billion EU Bill”

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“Let’s face it, it’s not that large amount of money, it only means it’s one thousand seven hundred million pounds sterling. That’s what I’ll put on the cheque because we have gained so much from the EU. This money is so much better used in Brussels to be given to our French chums, it’s called redistribution of wealth, where we make the money, and they lose it for us. That money wasn’t going to be used by Britain any way, we don’t have any problems here, you know we want to help the EU’s profligate countries who sure like to spend spend spend, whilst Britain saves for a rainy day and then has that money removed unceremoniously I might add. Today is a rainy day, so thanks for the £1.7 billion bill, we are honoured to give our money away into a vast black hole where we will never see any return or gratitude,” David Cameron told the BBC, on Tuesday.

The prime minister is so devoted to the EU project that he now wants to champion a dedicated EU tax, where money that Britons make will be channelled straight to EU coffers and the bank accounts of unelected EU technicians.

Obama: Illegal Immigrants Want to Work Unlike African Americans

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“African Americans on the whole don’t want to work, but illegal immigrants do, now there’s the difference. They’re worth something and African Americans not so much. This is the message I gotta give, it’s a hard message to digest but this is why we’re bringing in millions of people into this country because they have a hunger to work — you guys don’t,” president Obama said at a recent Immigration rally which was marred by African American thugs causing disorder and mayhem.

“It is a sad fact that for hundreds of years, African Americans have not made their mark in business, education, science, innovation or entrepreneurship. Instead, millions of blacks are languishing either in prison or on welfare programs relying on EBT systems to feed their large families.

“The only thing that African Americans have contributed to society is a few excellent musicians and thug rappers and sports personalities. That’s it. We had some African Americans fighting in Nam and Korea in the sixties, some in the Gulf war, for that we thank the participants who did their duty for America.

“Unintelligent African Americans on the whole are uneducated, they’re bordering on levels of retardation in fact, especially when it comes to intelligence levels compared to their white or Asian counterparts. Yes, we have affirmative action here in the U.S. but what’s the point I say in filling jobs just because someone is of colour? Why not put people in jobs that can actually do the job and want to do the job. Colour should not come into the equation at all.

“This is why we need immigrants now, and they supersede African Americans in all aspects including work ethic. Blacks had their chance to prove themselves over and over again, but failed. They’re bringing America down, every ghetto, every city like Detroit and Chicago. It’s like a goddamn burdensome cesspit now. They only know how to express themselves through gun violence, theft and brutality.

“I’m an African immigrant myself. I’m not African American, my parents and ancestors were not from slave stock. Now, please don’t say I’m abandoning you African Americans, you abandoned yourselves. Face it, there is no hope for you lazy clowns, sittin’ on your asses all day and stealing sneakers, doing your knockout games on whitey, flash robbing stores and causing riots in Ferguson. Yeah I wanna talk about Ferguson, that boy was rushing the officer, now get over it. African Americans are violent with huge chips on their shoulders, and think this through for one second, the law is the law, it don’t owe you anything just because you’re black. No mo’ gibsme culture please. If you do the crime, officer gonna shoot, that’s it no qualms, no crying over spilled black blood.

“The Illegal Alien Amnesty is going ahead folks, so reach out and embrace these wonderful people who want to work, who want a piece of the dream, because if they work hard enough they will get what you guys could not be bothered to get. They deserve it.”

The World Needs More Beautiful Femens Parading

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“What on earth are police officers doing arresting these young topless ladies? Has the world gone mad? These are young women showing off their boobs for gawds sake!” Lepter Samuels, 46, a gawping bystander told local French news reporters.

It is to the credit of Femen organisers that they only choose attractive women to display their wonders, as to have an ugly fat feminist would defeat the whole object of the exercise.

“Women have been using their bodies as weapons for centuries and we are merely doing the same. It is our ethos to use our breasts as titillating terrorists. The funny thing is, what we do is more of a reverse form of feminism, it actually indicates the profound ridiculousness of militant feminism because we are displaying our breasts to you in an angry fashion and you still want to kiss us. These breasts are still attractive to men, and they still want to love us, but we hate men, they love us for our beautiful form that nature gave us. We hate nature, we want to subvert what is natural, for a man to be attracted to our naked bodies is a crime, it is a rape on our consciousness, on our feminist hatred of the masculine. Sisters, we need to get more angry, until men do not see us as mere beautiful bodies but sentient beings, with our own minds and thoughts, our own beliefs. We hate our beautiful pouting bodies, we hate these glorious breasts gently lolloping as we run away from the police, we need to liberate Femens everywhere. Please photograph and film us more we need the cameras to see us at all times. If there were no cameras we could not be Femens. You need to see our bodies and our angry faces. We hope this turned you on,” Femen spokeswoman, Nancy Vadge, 21, told Le Monde from her prison cell.

Clooney to Have Drinks Party on Moon

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“People from Earth will not be able to see the moon for several days, do not be alarmed, we just shut out the lights for awhile,” a Clooney representative told Hello magazine.

Clooney has already succeeded in having celebratory parties for his recent wedding to Anal Aladdin, in every corner of the world at great expense, so the moon is a natural choice for a couple of such eminence.

“We’re not like you ordinaries. I want to show off my wedding. I got married to a beautiful woman, I want to make a statement over and over again. Hey, I got married, I’m not a celebrity bachelor anymore, and for my next trick I’m going to bend over and you will see the sun shining out of my ass,” Mr. Clooney said before lifting off in his specially commissioned shuttle with his new wife two days ago.

So…after the moon what is there for such an important couple? Well, gravity is no shackle to the new celebuweds, they plan on gracing planets and galaxies farther away, or possibly visiting some space stations here or there for even more celebratory post wedding drinks parties, let’s just hope they don’t press the booster rocket button drifting into open space eventually running out of oxygen.

Talking About a Revolution Russell Brand

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“I’m worth millions me, you see someone quite high up gave me those millions, and I made their company millions too. It’s a paradigm shift in socialism, or should that be hypocrisy, surely not, me little chums, you see I’m a revolutionary right now, and I’m talking about a revolution. Yeah, talkin’ about a revolution will do a lot. I go on the talkie kwalkie, or youpube, and I talk a lot about there being a revolution that should happen. But I ain’t gonna do it, nah, because I’m talkin’ about it means I want you to subscribe to my channel so I can make more wonga. Keep listening to me talkin’ and talkin’ away about how the system needs a revolution, meanwhile I’m getting richer by the second. Ooh, did I tell you about my new kitchen? Well, it’s got all these gadgets in it, dunno what they do mind, but they look good. Cost me a packet. I usually get one of those starry eyed floozies I pick up and scramble my eggs all over her front bottom. Anyway, I digress, I’m worth shit loads of money, and I want a revolution so I can lose all my money and the whole system crumbles. I’d be happy then. Seriously, if I really wanted a revolution I’d be doing it, not bloody talking about it and writing bookie wookies about it. Please can someone do the revolution for me while I stand back and watch, I’m too scared?” a transcript of Russell Brand’s latest social network diatribe reveals.

Meanwhile elsewhere, real revolutions are happening, and there’s certainly no useless self aggrandising talking and talking and talking going on there.

Obama: We Have the Antidote You Won’t

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“You know, there’s a reason for everything, and if you ever read the Georgia guide stones you will know about some of those reasons.

“The truth is, Ebola is a dry run for something way bigger, and if you ever wondered what those planes are doing up there spraying and spraying, well, no one really knows what they’re spraying to make those trails criss cross across our skies. The everyday Joe doesn’t even look up in the sky, they’re too busy dealing with thoughts about how to pay the mortgage or send their kids to college. The perceptive people who do look up in the sky will see planes spraying something into the atmosphere, which eventually trickles down to earth. These are all covert experiments obviously, and you won’t read about it in the papers, or watch it in the news, just like you won’t hear about what’s really going on in Africa with the Ebola pandemic.

“It’s a dry run, and if there is anything that comes out in the future that is as deadly as Ebola and is truly airborne, there may very well be reasons for the higher powers to spray it from the skies, because there is no protection from that. Maybe a mosquito driven virus like Zika. The U.S. government’s projection for 2025 is a brief insight into what is planned for the future. Hell yeah, they can talk about it in the open, they’ve been doing that for a while, little hints here or there, writing books and putting it in somewhere in the middle. You don’t want to blink and miss it though, or you have to understand the language, the special words they use.

“Mass air travel, spraying from the air, Ebola mixed in with the common cold, whatever it is they will implement plans which have been in the works for centuries. They don’t need us any more. We’re considered as useless eaters, as stock, as cattle. They have Artificial Intelligence, humanoid robots, driverless cars, implants to enhance their intelligence to superhuman levels. Yeah, I’m talking in the present tense for something that is right on our doorstep in the near future, but I’ve seen the future. Obama is the friendly demon, he cares for you, sure he does, in fact he’s so caring he’s going to smile when it happens, and if you ain’t prepared then you ain’t gonna see much before it does happen.

“Anyway, you got some spare change fella? I haven’t had a bite to eat for days.”

£1.7 Billion Bill: Britain Now Officially the Donkey of Europe

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Britain is now officially the ass of Europe as it is handed a whopping £1.7 billion to prop up poor profligate EU countries like Greece and Romania.

“Not only were we forced to accept the dregs of humanity into these shores but now because we’re doing so well in the economy the EU has upped the bill. We’ll pay up as usual, that’s what we do, especially with someone like David Cameron as PM, the biggest donkey this side of Bucharest. Now bend over Dave and let the EU give Britain more beatings with the EU stick,” an ex-conservative voter said today.

As you walk the High Streets of Britain, you will be accosted on every corner by Romanian Big Issue sellers who make £42,000 per year and get free housing; you will be spat on by illegal EU immigrants as you walk by their sleeping bags in Park Lane;  you will see the riots in Calais as thousands of people try to board your camper van; you will of course get nothing but Polski Skleps and deranged criminals tearing up your pot plants to sell; you will have a Romanian gypsy spit on your windscreen, then smile revealing their gold teeth as they extend their hand for change. This is Britain today, thanks to the Labour government, thanks to socialists like David Cameron, thanks to these yellow traitors who have consigned this island to be the ass of Europe — rip off Britain — where there is no justice, no dignity left and no fucking hope.

Obama Appealing For Black Vote in Midterm Elections

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Unpopular president, Barack Hussein Obama, was appealing for black votes for the Democrats in the upcoming midterm elections today.

Speaking in Tennessee in a ghetto, the president cut his speech short after two minutes when locals had an impromptu block party.

Here is some of what Obama managed to say: “All y’all voted fo’ me lass tam. You know twice y’all voted fo’ me, so Ima gon ax you three tam. Vote for Democrat three tam. Thank y’all fo’ y’all listening y’all get back to dat block partay. Pass me that blunt ni**a, ooh wee!”

Paris Opera Cast Refuse to Perform for Ninja

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Hiroku Tojitsu, a master in the art of Ninjitsu was told to leave a Paris opera house after members of the cast refused to perform if he remained in the audience, officials said.

The ninja, described as “a tourist from a secret Japanese silent assassin sect”, was hanging from the chandeliers near the front row during a performance of La Traviata at the Opéra Bastille, the deputy director, Jean-Philippe Morose, said.

France banned Ninjitsu in 2011. The ban was upheld by the European Court of Human Rights earlier this year.

Mr Morose said performers told him during the second act that they would only continue if the ninja left. During the interval, an attendant told Master Tojitsu that he should put the shurikens away and stop threatening theatre goers with his ninja antics.

“He did get a little upset and threw a shuriken at a prop, but the last straw was when he performed multiple flips onto the stage interrupting the cast during their performance,” Mr Morose said. “After a big chase around the circle the ninja threw down some white powder and there was a big flash. He was gone.”

Last year, a Ninjitsu expert stopped by police in a Parisian brothel was nearly arrested after disarming 12 officers in less than a minute, fleeing through a tiny window and causing damage to brickwork by clambering up walls. The incident sparked anger from Japan’s French consulate, who decry any discrimination against their ninjas.

Have You Been Bitten by an Ebola Mosquito?

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Imagine being bitten by an Ebola mosquito whilst you’re in deep sleep, you may not even hear that annoying whining sound or even feel it. Wake up in the morning have your brekkie and out the door to work, next day you’ve got fucking Ebola.

“It’s the trials of our times innit, you can get Ebola from mosquitoes because the virus is transmitted through blood and various other bodily fluids. At least vampires aren’t real, imagine having a vampire sucking your blood and transmitting Ebola into your bloodstream from a previous victim, that shit mingles. Leeches as well, no I’m not talking about the wife, talking about those little black things that stick on you and suck your blood, they’re nasty because they release an anaesthetic so you don’t even know they’re there. If you live in a country up in the northern hemisphere you should be relatively okay, but I do feel for those poor sods in hot countries,” a man in some pub said whilst drunk out of his head.

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