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Travellers Going Through Calais Urged to Check News Before Leaving Africa

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Imgbo Wakusi, 28, a convicted murderer and cannibal, was anxious about the travel chaos at the French port: “I checked the news. I had already got the caravan ready, tires pumped and the oil topped up. It’s pretty scary that all this sort of thing is going on. Can’t these people act like civilised human beings? I’ve got a good mind to write to my local MP.”

The French government was unapologetic about the travel chaos created by British people travelling on their holidays and blamed the UK government.

“Naturally, it is the Ros Beef fault. They’re not allowing millions of people from the Third World to travel freely into their stupid little island. We are going to great lengths to open the borders for the African travellers to go to Britain, but no, the English swine stop us doing our job,” Pierre Dumerde, a senior official at the Calais port revealed.

 

Think Tank: Battle Between Orthodox Islam and Shia Sect Helps West

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“Not only are the Western powers aligned with the Kurds but they seem to be conducting a proxy war against Turkey, who as a regional power holds NATO’s second largest army.

“Why would there be internal friction within NATO members complementing the destabilisation of the Middle East?

“The current conflict tainting much of the Arab lands is a war between Sunni and Shia, the former being the orthodox interpretation of Islam, and the latter being a sect of Islam, seen by many within the religion as a false interpretation and blasphemous to the original writings of Muhammed.

“The estimates of the number of Shia range from 120 to 170 million, roughly one-tenth of all Muslims.

“Therefore, the current war still in progress, could last for many years to come. What some in the West do not understand is that groups like ISIS are the core of Islam itself, and they strictly uphold the original orthodox teachings of the Muslim prophet, therefore their belief system is one that insists they are the correct path.

“Whoever is controlling groups like ISIS is not yet known, but one can have an idea from watching who they attack and who they leave alone (naming no names).

“President Obama has very kindly dropped off millions of pieces of military US-made weaponry to the area, almost like a pick’n’mix so that whichever faction gains ground gets the spoils.

“By arming Kurdish terror groups, the PKK and YPG, and giving them air support, Obama has estranged a key ally, Turkey, who have been constantly attacked by Kurds for over 50 years. The indemnity that is felt therefore is not lost, when during the Sunni, Shia war, a key ally of the West and NATO member moves away from Europe and looks further East.

“Turkey has lost all aspiration of being accepted in the EU, simply because they would never be let in to the bloc anyway as the demarcation lines are still firmly placed between religions. Although Turkey used to hold secular ideologies, those have been left much in the dirt as its abandonment from the EU accelerated.

“The numerous atrocities committed in the war zones, are all there to see through internet propaganda videos, and have zealously been covered in the Western media networks, not only as a form of entertainment but as a fear inducing mechanism.

“When someone like David Cameron, the prime minister of Britain says that all Muslims should loudly condemn the groups fighting in the Middle East, he speaks with tongue in cheek as he fully knows that the West is fuelling the conflict itself.

“The current underdogs are ISIS, although for the West, to see Muslims killing other Muslims in sectarian wars is an aphrodisiac, as the hatred for them is so strong.

“It is not only the West who is deeply embedded within the Middle East but Russia, as the red line goes through Damascus and Tehran, the Russians are with the Shia, and in geopolitical terms, this is simply another front, as is the Ukraine.

“Now that ISIS moves towards Libya and Yemen, and onto Africa, they spread their ideology and stalwart military resilience away from the previous focus points to other regions, causing more fear and damage but gaining supporters along the way. Luckily for them, the path was cleared by the West through regime change in Libya, Yemen, Iraq and currently under way in Syria, the final goal being Iran.

“The second Gulf War directed by George W. Bush and his henchmen, was key in creating the vacuum for ISIS to be built, because it was a deposition of a secular Sunni leader and instatement of a Shia controlled government. This in turn created anger amongst the majority Sunni tribes who are now fighting to restore their place in the region. George W. Bush’s actions created an engineered void encouraging resentment as Sunni Iraqis were discriminated against or hunted down and killed. The president’s actions however were well calculated, as his military advisers knew that the newly instated Vichy government would foment the beginnings of the Third World War.

“The current U.S. president’s job has been rather simple, and that is to hold back. Like a rubber band being pulled further, public opinion will eventually snap and come around to boots on the ground again. The next president of the United States already knows the brief, and that’s to clean up the pawns of war as their usefulness is not needed any more. Those who were seen to being helped previously will be decimated and turned on as much as the overt enemy. Divide and conquer, a simple strategy perfected over thousands of years but a technique that needs much planning beforehand.”

Merkel: “I Have No Balls That’s Why EU Will Continue Funding Greece”

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“This can has been kicked so far down the road that it’s barely kickable,” an economic analyst in Brussels revealed today.

Another analyst said: “The EU is going to throw away another 18 Billion euros into a black hole. It must really hurt now to be a eurozone taxpayer, imagine busting your behind, working long hours fully knowing well that the majority of your money is going to Greece, that must be really painful. I’d rather be unemployed.”

Bent over the table

In Greece, there were cheers of delight as the Greeks celebrated the news that Merkel had backed down.

“Back to the villa, we drink ouzo and party. Just another day in Greece. Let the Northern Europeans work, while we play and spend their money. This is beautiful, Merkel has no malakas, just like when she told Putin to stop fighting in Ukraine, and he simply continued pouring more troops in there. You need balls to negotiate, and Merkel has none, bwah hahaha!”

Anti-austerity Celebrity Millionaires March For Hypocrisy

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Pop star-turned-activist Charlotte Church, 29, who turned up to the anti-austerity march in a chauffeur driven Mercedes, attacked austerity as a “good idea if you pay tax and work, but not so good if you’re a benefits breeder”.

She added: “I’m here today because I live in a £2.5 million mansion and these people do not, but I want to be seen to care plus it boosts my celebrity status. Since I stopped singing I been out of the limelight for awhile.”

Ms. Church then applied a hefty kick with her boot on a crusty holding a banner telling him to “get out of the fucking way you unwashed smellbucket!”

Anti austerity publicity

Also at the march was former comedian Russell Brand, who has now taken on the mantle of speaker for the people and part time ‘revolutionary messiah’.

“Austerity’s been good for me. My offshore accountant told me the other day that I’d made another packet, what was it, 650k, I said it’s good that it’s offshore then, innit? Just add it up with the rest of the wonga. I see the poor people here, and it’s a paradigm shift in my attitude, because at heart I’m poor, but my bank manager bloody well loves me. My raison d’etre is to speak for the people, and get them to buy my bookie wookies with their hard earned benefits. It’s like a paradigm shift from the taxpayer to my banky accounty so I don’t want that IDS chap ruining my living by fleecing the poor of my money.”

Hail the cause..

Revealed: Kim Jong-un’s Cure for Aids, Ebola and Cancer With Single Mystery Wonder-drug

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Sources have been gathering information on the hermit state and its claims a miracle breakthrough can rid people of Sars and MERS as well as Aids, Ebola and cancer.

Korean Central News Agency insists the drug can ‘prevent different malignant epidemics’.

The new drug Kumdung-4 is purportedly a one-fix-all drug that can cure pretty much anything.

The vaccine, however, has been revealed to not be ingested or injected into the disease victim but is instead delivered in a bullet from a gun.

“Our man in Pyonyang witnessed the new drug in use the other day. A man had some incurable disease, so the doc said he would give him an immediate cure. He took out a gun and shot him,” an observer revealed.

Pope: “We Need to Address Climate Change – Catholics Stop Breeding”

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The phrase Climate Change is another way of saying ‘overpopulation’, and this is why the pope is urging 1.4 billion Catholics worldwide to use contraception, as well as embrace abortion to reduce the population.

“If you’re going to do it, do it with condoms or the pill. We need less Catholics in this world creating climate change. The world is now one big rubbish tip stinking with soiled nappies in landfill sites,” Pope Francis told a press conference.

Catholics used to be forbidden from using any form of contraception, therefore the new ruling from the pope will certainly come as a relief to the climate change that is going on.

“We used to call it global warming but that didn’t work, so now we’re sticking with climate change. Both of those terms all mean one thing, too many humans breeding needlessly and causing the planet to lose its finite resources. According to our data, the earth needs to lose 90% of its human population to have a sustainable future. Good luck with that. Even if all the Catholics stopped breeding tomorrow, you’ve still got 1.6 billion Chinese breeding like rats and stinking up the atmosphere. Don’t forget, every Chinese person wants a top of the range SUV to drive around and pollute the thick air with. What with that and the Indians, it’s like one big puff of shit gas coming your way. Too many people on the planet, someone needs to sort out a quicker more permanent solution,” a climate change expert revealed in Washington D.C. on Friday.

Who Is the Most Hated Man in America Today?

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It’s your choice, you make the decision, who is the most hated man in America, right now?

Barack Hussein Obama, the current president of the United States or Dylann Roof, the Charleston shooter?

Who Do You Hate Most?

View Results

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New Politically Correct Top Gear Made Me Cry Says Viewer

Turning Top Gear into the One Show or something resembling the turgid  Don’t Forget Your Toothbrush will certainly endear the deeply Left wing stazi agents working deep within the bowels of Auntie’s rectum, but will it sate the appetite of the true motor enthusiast and politically incorrect blokey bloke?

Well, you can guess the answer to that.

“No, no, no, no! I watched the preview and seeing that chattering quasi albino with his fucking up tempo squirrel natter had me in fucking despair. My ears, my ears, I was tempted to stuff cotton so fucking deep in there I’d never hear anything ever again. It is better to be deaf than listen to some prosaic ginger klazomaniac doing the same old thing but on a different format. So what if that twat owns a few Ferraris, he gets his assistant to fill the damn things, this guy has no idea about the intricate nuances of motor vehicles and what makes them tick, he has no history, no fucking oil on the sprockets or the fine tuned mischief reminiscent of Last of the Summer Wine that made the show. Chris Evans? What next, Jamie ‘fat tongue’ Oliver?” a former Top Gear enthusiast said before switching to the Dave channel.

Anti-EU? Better Hope Greece Stays In

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“Greece has a population of 11 million and yet they have amassed debts over 350 billion euros, even after creditors took a 50% haircut in 2012. While the Greeks were living like privileged royalty during the good times without any thought of the future with golden pensions and retirement at 45, the rest of the EU countries had to work hard for longer.

“What about the empty farmers’ fields across the Greek countryside, the so-called farmers enjoyed substantial EU subsidies and parked their new Porsches outside their lavish villas, a testament to the plundering from EU taxpayers in other hard-working countries?

“Not paying tax is a well known Greek national sport, the EU will always have a problem with Greece, whichever Greek government is in power  it’s always lax to collect the tax. For them, their antiquated systems are not even computerised. To reform the system would take billions more euros in infrastructure costs and without  a euro cent left in the coffers, how is that going to ever materialise? Billions of euros have been spirited out of the country and transferred to secret bank accounts, as a testament to two bailouts that were compounded by a national swindling spending spree of gluttonous theft.

“Troika members have recalled that on some inspections they found instances of huge fraud committed by the Greeks, and when you have registered ‘blind’ people driving top of the range Mercs through villages whilst receiving vast sums of money from the EU for their ‘disability’ and cleaning ladies in civil service buildings receiving 65k euros per annum for a three day working week; if this is not a recipe for disaster, what is?

“For eurosceptics, Greece staying in the EU is a godsend, and will ensure the eventual destruction of the whole system. Almost akin to a cash black hole where money in the billions is poured in with no recompense. The Greek problem is like a bad case of herpes, it will never go away.

“It is thus in the interests of complete eurosceptic EU annihilation that Greece stays in to create more turmoil eventually sucking the European Union dry of all political will and monetary strength.”

Cameron Vader You Must Turn Away From Dark Side of the Force

Cameron Vader first turned to the dark side when he visited his new master the Chancellor Merkeltine on the death star, somewhere in the constellation of Brussels, Belgium.

Obi Dung Borisjobi, a former close friend, reveals that “Cameron Vader was seduced by the dark side of the Force.”

The dark side provides powers that cause great harm to other people and nations — collectivism, totalitarianism, hypnosis, poverty, austerity, and brainwashing — but draws energy from passion, greed, unlimited expense accounts and violence, an energy that is enhanced by emotion (generally by fear, greed, anger, hatred and rage).

There is only one hope for the universe, Luke Referendumvoter, he who steps forward with his vote and plonks it into the vote box using the Force.

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