“Now that I am a ‘Living Legend of Aviation’ I want to proudly recall those amazing 20 weeks I was flown around in an Apache helicopter by an expert pilot and was second man — the gunner.
Prince ‘Ace’ Harry
“It was really brillo! I got to fire the guns and shoot a few missiles at the towel heads. One day I even levelled out an entire village. There were a few oopsies though. Like I sometimes had my finger on the trigger and got too excited, maybe put a few bursts into a random crowd of towel heads waiting outside a mosque on a Friday or blew up a donkey or five.
“The thrill of being flown around the place was truly exhilarating, and some American guy in Langley, Virginia would tell me through my headphones to shoot this or shoot that. I bloody loved shooting stuff up, especially the Mujs.
Afghan coffee shop slaughter
“Okay, I wasn’t always sober in those Mahiki days, but c’mon, boozed up and the weed in Afghanistan was the best. One time the pilot took us real low, and I had smoked three joints before the flight. I swear I saw everything in slow motion, even the bit where I unloaded an entire box of ammo into an Afghani coffee shop. You should have seen those Mujs run, they left all their sandals behind. A few of them caught a bullet or two, nothing an aspirin and a good night’s sleep won’t fix. One of the fuckers even had a wooden leg which burst into flames. Haven’t laughed like that in a long time. One day the Sarge came in and spirited me out of the barracks. Apparently the base drug test police were in town, and I of course was looked after.
“Anyway, those were just a small sample of my wonderful days in Afghanistan, 20 weeks of sheer fun being the second man gunner in an Apache helicopter which I would not be able to fly even though they tried to teach me how to. Helicopters are way too complicated for my brain, I mean, I saw the tests the pilots have to do. I can’t do maths and don’t even know what the collective does.
“I am proud to receive the ‘Living Legend of Aviation’ award for not actually flying anything. Thank you dumb American wankers. I never realised the Yanks were so fucking stupid, they actually make me look clever. I’m definitely staying over here forever, these idiots adore me for doing absolutely nothing. What a bunch of cunts. Haha!”