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Harry and Meghan Close to Joining Scientology Cult

LOS ANGELES - USA - Harry and Meghan have been audited into the Church of Scientology, in its celebrity centre.

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Get your Thetans and E-meters ready, Harry and Meghan are now considering joining the Los Angeles chapter of the Scientology cult, close members of the former royal’s group have revealed.

The Church of Scientology’s leader David Miscavige, has already visited the couple’s Montecito mansion, and rumour has it that Meghan and Harry got on with the cult chief like a house on fire.

“Miscavige sees Harry and Meghan as a real coup for the Church. Oprah introduced the couple to Miscavige. Along with luminaries like Tom Cruise and John Travolta, amongst many Hollywood celebrities in the Scientology cult, the profile of the Church would be raised to legendary status with the new additions,” one Scientology observer revealed on Wednesday.

Harry and Meghan have already been audited, and now carry e-meters wherever they go. Auditing can be an expensive business, and Scientology cult members dish out sums like $10,000 for each audit, sometimes running multiple times a week. You don’t have to be an accountant to realise that money can be pissed away very quickly, enriching the Church of Scientology’s already overrunning coffers further.

According to aides close to the couple, Harry has suddenly been cured of his aversion and anger towards the royal family.

“As soon as he put that e-meter on his head and swished it around, Harry invoked the great Thetans into his bruised soul cleansing him of the negative standard memory bank eons accentuating Harry’s beingness and determinism. His engrams were through the fucking roof man as he went into Est repair mode getting out of his constant service facsimile, and his genetic entity elevated to extreme havingness mode through his reactive mind. I immediately called INCOMM as we went into overrun, and Harry’s OT got a hold of him with infinite perceptics. Harry’s restimulation verificational setting was full of self determinism getting ridness of the suppressive persons in his life. Harry then gave me $20,000 right there and then making me very happy,” the Scientology operator in charge of the former royal revealed in the latest edition of Freedom Magazine.

It’s safe to say we won’t hear from Harry and Meghan for a while. Thank you, Church of Scientology for your services. Just send the pair to Sea Org and put them in a cage cleaning floors for the rest of their sorry lives.

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