Fancy an all paid-for luxury cruise on the open ocean worth a whopping £18,700 each?

Today is your lucky day, the Daily Squib Exclusive Cruise Competition will ensure 100 lucky Squib readers will have the time of their short life.

Embarking from Hong Kong to Yokohama harbour, Japan, you will thrill in the journey of a lifetime, on a one way journey you will never forget.

Forget ballroom dancing in the vast ballroom, deck quoits or delicious meals in one of the exclusive restaurants serving up gourmet cuisine to die for, your entire journey will be confined to a single cabin. Not only that, when you get to Yokohama, you will further be confined to your cabin indefinitely with little or no news when you will be released, only to be visited by men in Hazmat suits and masks checking momentarily if you are still alive.

During the period of quarantine, you will be bored out of your fucking mind, in fact, the mere thought of the ship sinking will fill you with a horrific sort of glee, because it will mean you are actually doing something, like, sinking. Doing anything apart from looking out your cabin window at a few seagulls and another grey day ported in Yokohama harbour will obviously be an annoyance, but at least you didn’t pay for this shit, unlike those poor bastards aboard the Diamond Princess cruise ship stuck in the same place you’re going.

You’re highly enjoyable cruise may end abruptly however if the Coronavirus digs in and you stop breathing, unfortunately this will impact on your cruise experience, therefore it is certainly safer to wash those hands every few minutes with warm water and soap, and to refrain from snogging some 85-year-old fellow cruiser on the mouth, or be around any other human being at all. Bon Voyage!

To enter the Daily Squib Exclusive Cruise Competition, please send in a SAE with your name and address to Corona Cruise Comp. P.O. Box 387, Charring Cross Road, London, WC2H 0AW.