17.7 C
Saturday, May 18, 2024
secret satire society
HomeEntertainmentCIA Using New CGI Cats Film to Torture Terrorists

CIA Using New CGI Cats Film to Torture Terrorists

LANGLEY - USA - The CIA is using the new Cats film as a tool to extract information from terrorists and spies, the agency has revealed.


The new Cats film is so awful that it is being used by CIA operatives to torture terrorists into revealing important information that will save lives.

Cats, the creepy CGI monstrosity which is set to lose over $100 million at the Box Office, is so terrible to watch that the CIA now uses it to extract information from terrorists, and spies.

The film’s budget is estimated at $98 million plus a global publicity and advertising spend of roughly $115 million, but has only taken $18 million at the Box Office so far.

Furry tits

Speaking on condition of anonymity, one CIA operative praised the new Cats film for making his job a lot easier.

“Usually it takes weeks to extract information from some of these hardened terrorists and well trained spies, but all we have to now is play the Cats movie to them and the screaming starts. The most anyone has gone through the film is 35 minutes before collapsing in a catatonic state. They then sing like canaries, and we don’t have to get the waterboard kit out any more.”

The Central Intelligence Agency cannot praise the likes of Judy Dench and Taylor-Swift enough.

“Thanks to the Cats movie, we have acquired information that we would never have gotten years ago with the old extraction techniques, although the film is so effective, we have actually lost a few subjects who sadly expired during the screening of the movie, all in all, many innocent lives were saved due to the tortuous film as we thwarted domestic and International terror operations from continuing.”


  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -
Translate »