Doherty Glad to be Back in Jail – Drugs in Prison Better than Street

LONDON - England - Pete Doherty is back in jail today. He is glad to be back in the UK prison system and proclaims the crack cocaine and heroin is actually much purer than the street.


Pete Doherty has been finally jailed at the segregation wing at Wormwood Scrubs prison after many failed attempts.

Pete Doherty’s Lawyer made a statement on behalf of the star: “I am glad I have been privileged enough to attend Wormwood Scrubs prison as a fully fledged heroin addict where the smack is actually purer than the street. I would like to thank the judge for agreeing to give me some much needed time out where I can indulge away from the public gaze.”

A spokesman for Wormwood Scrubs exclaimed that they prepared adequately for Doherty’s entrance.

Pete Doherty’s room will have a colour television, a ps3 console with 5 top games, a dvd machine where he can order 3 films a day from the prison’s extensive library and of course the pièce de résistance – as many drugs as he wants. The prison has uppers and downers and has the finest Afghan heroin in the country. We give each prisoner new needles every morning so they do not re-use the needles or get infections. We also supply crack smoking pipes in the prison shop.

A former inmate talks to the Daily Squib about his experience: “The drugs are easier to find than trying to score on an everyday street in Britain. When I got to Wormwood Scrubs prison I found that was true. Drugs were being used frequently and I was constantly coerced and tempted. In the mornings I would take cocaine and heroin speedballs, then by the afternoon I would be chasing the dragon and smoking crack cocaine.”

“It’s like a holiday camp,” he said. “The only thing it doesn’t have is a swimming pool. Although the Labour Government is going to have one installed next year at a cost of £450,000 to the taxpayer.

“You can get any drugs. It’s easier to get them inside than it is outside. I saw lads who didn’t do drugs become addicted to heroin and all sorts while they were there.”

The cost to the taxpayer to have these prisoners looked after in the lap of luxury per annum is £75,000.

No wonder Pete Doherty is glad to be going back to prison. Here he will get all the drugs he wants and he will be pampered in the lap of luxury.

A spokesman for the UK Prison Authority exclaimed, “People pay good money to get his facilities and he will be getting all this for free. We have extensive entertainment facilities, over 20 pool tables, each room has its own ps3 console and HD TV, the prison also has a very large DVD collection including all the cult films and hard to get DVD’s. The food is health-orientated and every night prisoners are given a menu where they tick off what gourmet cuisine they would like for the next day.

  Unfortunately for Doherty, he is not expected to serve the full 14 weeks but will try to commit some kind of heinous crime to stay in for longer. Maybe sing the warden a song or two – that should do it.