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Spartans Takeover Greece

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Greek state officials are quaking in fear after three days of rioting and violence that resemble a bygone era evoking images of bloody battles along mountain passes and arrows slamming against approaching phalanx shields.

The pitch battles between the disenfranchised anarchists illustrate the point that there is still some life left in the populations of some countries.

In Britain today, a land where the people have been brought to their knees by their Pavlovian masters and had all their life and soul drained out of their being by the PC Health and Safety Nazis and Socialist architects of doom — there is no more fight left.

There is some fight left in some other countries and even though they will soon be crushed by the machine — at least they tried.

The battle of Thermopylae resulted in the defeat of the Spartans who were outnumbered by the Persians by a large ratio but even with the odds against the Spartans they managed to heroically hold off the invaders for three days.

The significance of the battles that are now raging in Greece are symptomatic of many factors of which the authorities and governmental agencies will never understand.

The utter hopelessness that pervades the unknown generation, the lost children who have inherited a world of no hope, no jobs, no sense of belonging and no sense of purpose.

The British people who are entrenched in a nanny-state system that dictates everything to its citizens is a lost cause with no fight left. The brainwashed zombies that inhabit this land would rather turn a blind eye to their impotence and ineffectual status of ‘useless eaters’ as the controllers dictate every facet of their soulless lives; a land where to revolt as a high ranking official calmly urinates in the cold soup of inequity is seen as a no-no of the highest order. Subservience to a system that beats people with the stick of obedience daily and leaves people with no way of ever escaping their place in poverty or class system is part of British culture and is cherished by the slaves who are happy in their servitude.

There was, however, one brief moment when the British people were awakened from their stupor for one last jaunty escapade into freedom, soon to be snuffed out like an unholy flame forever — yes, the wonderful Poll Tax riots of 1990.

Paris Hilton to Have Size 16 Feet Surgically Reduced

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Paris Hilton will have her size 16 feet reduced in a revolutionary surgical operation that will last for approximately 14 hours.

The heiress who recently broke up with her boyfriend of three months was determined to change her look.

Paris herself has admitted: “I’ve lost three poodles in one month because of my huge f*cking feet. I keep squishing my dogs and I can’t help it. My feet are so ugly as well, they are all knobbly and i’ve even got zits on my toes, I mean how gross is that?”

Paris Hilton may be a clever woman with intelligence levels that would make a Russian chess champion quiver with fear, but brains are not everything, sometimes you have to take care of your looks as well.

“Paris is distraught because she has to have her shoes made specially at a sweatshop somewhere in the

Philippines. She has yearly fittings and goes to the designer’s shop personally. I’ve seen her big toe crush a Chihuahua to death and she didn’t even notice what she did until she looked down to see the bloody mess she made on the Persian carpet. It’s not good for her sex life either. Paris has lost out on love interests because of her huge feet. I mean what guy wants to hang out with a useless skanky whore with orange skin and huge f*cking ugly feet who wears skirts that double up as belts? Her feet ain’t the only big thing on her, yep, her well worn oyster is like a deep goddam cavern, a bottomless pit…and what’s more, she is looser than an eighty year old char woman who has had twenty kids. Really, that loose,” Hilton’s publicist told MTV.

Dr. Arnold Squeamish, who is the chief surgeon, has pioneered a revolutionary technique to reduce Paris Hilton’s size 16 feet to a more manageable size. The reduction of the Metatarsal bones in length and the pinning of the Metatarsal-phalangeal joints will reduce the overall size of the enormous feet. He is planning to reduce her foot size to a 12 and this should make life easier for the celebrity star.

With the use of saws and metal pins the feet will be reduced in the 14 hour operation.

There will be a group of expert surgeons all attending the operation who will act as a tag team taking care of tasks when needed. Because of the amount of puss that will ooze out of Paris’ bunions, there will be a specially assigned nurse to collect the foul smelling substance.

The operation will cost Paris Hilton’s parents $567,000 but she says “every penny counts” and the foot reduction is “worth it just for the peace of mind”.

Unknown 'Celebrity' Wins Another Reality Show

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It was another win for an unknown celebrity who no one knows about on another brainless reality show designed to showcase unknown celebrities.

The huge audience was urged to phone in and vote for the celebrity and at £4.50 per second the show’s producers brought in huge revenue for their already bloated salaries.

“Yes, we had another unknown celebrity win from another bunch of has-been unknown celebrities who are trying to kick-start their comatose celebrity careers. This unknown celebrity can now eek out another 30 seconds of their two minutes of fame and will probably fizzle out after a few advertising companies use their unknown faces for a few commercials,” Larry Silverstein of Mike Hunt Entertainment told ITV1 news.

There are now so many celebrities inundating the media that it is at times hard to even know who any of them are. With large quantity comes loss of quality, and with the celebrities we have massing around reality shows and garish vulgar dance competitions, one would only think that they resemble bluebottle flies massing round a large steaming turd ripe from the ar*e of a brainless, unimaginative, greed-driven TV executive.

Mr Silverstein had this to say about the gawking viewership: “This is what the dumbed-down British audiences want. They are given utter moronic crap to digest into their maggot addled skull cavities as they are graced with brainless celebrity nonsense and they lap it all up without question. This is the reality. We have brainwashed audiences clamoring for more Big Brother, Jungle, Strictly Come, X factor, vapid low-grade diarrhoea that wreaks of banal fetid vulgarity and the Labour-sanctioned mantra of “Education, education, education”.

Indeed, living in Labour’s Britain is very bad for the soul, what with the daily threat of being stabbed through the eyeball with a six inch knife whilst walking down the street by a crazed teenage thug or being made destitute from the enormous taxes heaped on everything; or how about freezing in your negative equitied mortgage hell unheated hovel with a mouldy piece of bread for dinner and a bucket of gruel to keep you company.

Well, don’t fret, at least there are the celebrity reality shows on every channel to cheer you the f*ck up.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen — We Got Him!’ – OJ Simpson Jailed

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An all-white jury in Las Vegas found the former American Football star
guilty 13 years to the day after he was cleared of killing Nicole Brown
Simpson and her friend Ronald Goldman.

33 Year Sentence

The tired, bloated figure of OJ Simpson was shown on giant TV
screens today to prove the former football and Hollywood star had been captured
alive and finally sentenced by a U.S. court after thirteen years on the run.

America’s chief administrative Judge in Las Vegas Paul Bremer walked to
the rostrum of a casino courtroom press conference and uttered the words:
“Ladies and Gentlemen, We Got Him!” There were cheers from the
assembled press corps. Bremer described it as “A great day for America.”

OJ was found hiding in a “spider hole” in the
cellar of a rural farmhouse near the Western Las Vegas town of Groom
Lake 15
miles south of Las Vegas, by 600 troops from the U.S. 14th Infantry
Division. Operation Catch OJ struck at 8.30 p.m. local time catching
Simpson and his entourage almost “unawares”. No shots were fired.

There
were more whoops and gasps when a video was shown of Simpson being
given a brief medical examination. Nicole Simpson’s and Ron Goldman’s
relatives in the room
screamed insults at the screen and punched the air in triumph.
Police Lieutenant Ricardo Rancheros, commander of casino
forces in Las Vegas, told the
Clark
County Regional Justice Center that OJ Simpson was cooperating with the
authorities. “There will not be anymore long car chases in a white
truck televised for everyone to see. He’s going to jail this time for
good.”

News first broke when a spokeswoman for U.S. police
forces in Las Vegas said a “very important” announcement would be made at
a news conference at 1200 GMT. The only comment was that there had been
several arrests including “a high-value target”.

Daily Squib Newspaper Billion Pound BoE and US Fed. Rescue Plea

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Amongst the crumpled up pieces of paper scattered around the Daily Squib editorial bins and the smashed computer screens, there is finally some hope and a glimmer of light in the Daily Squib offices.

“They rescued the banks with trillion dollar packages, they rescued the insurers and the automobile industry. We figured we could have a chunk of the cash too so so we can get more pool tables, a popcorn machine and an endless supply of champagne on f*cking tap,” Ed McMahoney, senior accountant for the Squib’s accounts dept. told Reuters.

Daily Squib executives flew out in their private jets on Thursday to appeal to the Federal Reserve and BoE bigwigs that they are in dire need of a financial rescue package in the billions to ensure the whole newspaper industry does not go under.

“Golden parachute”

Matt Drudge from the Drudge Report had this to say: “I’ve got the Daily Squib as my homepage. If I want to feel the pulse of what is REALLY going on in the world and how people REALLY feel I check out the Daily Squib. They just know what’s going on. It may be satire, but there’s more truth there than in anything I’ve read in the REGULAR papers. I know they will get the money so they can keep functioning as a f*ck-up organisation extraordinaire.”

Rupert Murdoch was also on hand to sing the praises of the Daily Squib: “News International depends on the Daily Squib for all its news. I’ve seen senior news editors for all our top papers break down and cry whenever there is an outage or the Daily Squib server is down after they’ve exceeded their bandwidth quota. It is crucial that the Federal Reserve and Bank of England gives the Daily Squib the billions of pounds they are asking for.”

The Fed and Bank of England would stave off a major world recession simply by giving the Daily Squib enormous bags of money. President Bush and Gordon Brown have also been working hard to ensure that the recession does not go deeper than it is already threatening to go and are working hard to secure the money deal.

“I get Laura to read out the Daily Squib stories every morning because I can’t read myself. Some of the pictures are real funny..Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk,” George W Bush was quoted as saying before feeding time on Wednesday.

Entire Conservative Party Arrested

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Labour ministers were today in a celebratory and jubilant mood as anti-terrorist Stasi officers were mobilised to arrest the entire Conservative party.

Stasi Minister, Jacqui Smith was on hand to gloat over her part in securing the momentous and historic arrest which will ensure Labour has no opposition in parliament.

“We have cleansed parliament once and for all from the horror of democracy. We can’t have people going around and telling the truth! We are now the parliament, our one party system will last for a thousand years, the opposition were useless anyway, we will not miss them comrades.”

The anti-terror operation was conducted over three days and managed to capture every Tory apart from one — the London mayor who had absconded on his bicycle last night.

The Metropolitan police were searching all ports and airports on Tuesday to try and find Boris Johnson and arrest him.

Metropolitan Stasi official Peter Knacker told the BBC: “We have secured all ports and airports. If anyone sees a burly old chap ‘wot wotting’ along with a big mound of white hair on his head and jumping red lights on his bicycle call your nearest Stasi official immediately.”

Meanwhile, ‘Red Ken’ Livingstone has re-taken his Mayoral seat and had this to say about the whole sorry incident: “Comrades, thank you for ousting these vile capitalist pigs and lovers of democracy. I am so glad to be back as London Mayor and I’m sure you are all glad to see me back. I shall start first by extending the congestion zone to the whole of London and the M25.”


The entire Conservative party is being held in a gulag somewhere in Northern England and will be tried with the vile crime of opposing the Labour government and attempting to make the public aware of information that would make Labour look like a bunch of bumbling incompetent morons.

There will be no trial set for the incarceration of the Tory party and they will languish in their freezing prison for the next 42 years as decreed by Stasi Minister and part-time brothel madam, Jacqui Smith.

UN Climate Talks to Create 13,000 Tonnes of Hot Air and Methane

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Staging a global forum on climate change is a dilemma, as it adds to the very problem it is trying to solve.

That estimate is based on a turnout of 8,000 people, but as of Sunday 10,657 people had registered for the talks.

Poland, which is hosting the meeting, “plans to offset the total emissions resulting from the conference once a final calculation has been made,” the UNFCCC said.

“Every member will have to pay $4.25 per cubic foot of gaseous exchange from their orifices.  The amount of hot air spouted from delegates will be measured and logged. The key element is to monetize the environment and create an effect that resembles enviro-fascism. The populations of the world are now a major problem and we are now racing to find a solution to humans who are not worthy of reproducing with their junk genes. Through elements like chemicals in food and water we reduce the population slowly, however we need to speed up the process with possible outbreaks of bird flu or other epidemics,” a member of a leading think tank told Reuters.

Under offsets, anyone emitting carbon can invest in a scheme that mitigates the pollution by the same amount. If you speak a lot of hot air like the delegates will be doing and talk a load of “bullshit” that is totally “meaningless” then there is good reason to believe that this may cause further climate change.

“Typical projects involve introducing more poisons into the human food chain, water and air. We will also add more phthalates into plastics used for containing drinking fluids to further depopulate the masses through infertility. The only way to introduce a global scientific dictatorship is through the perceived introduction of a new threat for the masses. In this case, however, the masses are a major threat to the elite controllers and will have to be culled,” the expert added.

The Poznan talks are a stepping stone to a new global control system utilising the perceived threat of climate change, scheduled to be concluded in Copenhagen in December 2009.

Global warming is said to be caused by the sun’s rays coming towards the earth and warming the surface.

As a result, Earth’s surface is warm during daylight hours and cools off during the night. The earth has been heating and cooling for millions of years and will thus continue to do so for millions more.

Most greenhouse gases come from the burning of oil, coal and gas from Al Gore’s house located in America. Emissions from Mr Gore’s house have been measured by scientists to be so high that he will only be able to offset his carbon footprint by 2054.

Bush Wants History to See Him as a Liberator of Millions from Life

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“I’d like to be a president (known) as somebody who liberated 50 million people from their horrible lives as non right wing Christian Nazis by murdering them in cold blood with guns, missiles, torture and pollution. I have helped achieve perpetual war lasting for hundreds of years and want to be remembered for the horror I have created. These untermenschen are now all dead thanks to American conquest and war, the world is now a safer place for terrorists to flourish and create more mayhem, whether it is state sanctioned American terror or agencies working for us,” Bush said in excerpts of a recent interview released by the
White House Friday.

“Perpetual War of Terror”

“I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate humanity. I lied to the American people and took them to war for oil, for American corporations, for greed and for conquest. I am above the law and I got away with it. I came to Washington with a set of values that would make most mass murderers shudder, and I’m leaving with the same set of values.”

He also said he wanted to be seen as a president who helped rich elite individuals intent on eugenics , “that rallied people to hate their neighbour; that led an effort to increase HIV/AIDS and malaria on places like the continent of Africa; that helped the elderly die quicker by taking away their pensions and ability to pay for prescription drugs and Medicare.”

Bush added that every day during his eight-year presidency he had consulted the Bible and drawn comfort from his faith.

“I am on a mission from God and Jesus. I am not ashamed to say that under my rule many non-Christians have been killed. I had a target to kill many Muslims and even though I was not able to murder all of them I hope I will be remembered for the millions who died under US bombs and violence,” the US leader said in the interview with his sister Doro Bush Koch recorded as part of an oral history program known as Fascistcorps.

 

 

“Mission Accomplished”


Thanks to the Iraqi invasion, the world is now a safer place

As his second term in office draws to an end, Bush joked he would miss some of the trappings
that come with the presidency such as trips on Air Force One, never being stuck in a traffic jam, and the president’s own personal torture chamber where he could tinker with America’s tools of the trade.

But he said he was glad to be stepping back into the shadows. The president has his own private family bunker where he will spend his days away from the apocalyptic chaos he has created.

“Frankly, I’m not going to miss the limelight all that much. It’s been a fabulous experience to be responsible for so many people dying in the name of US arrogance, ignorance and greed… But it will be nice to watch the news reports of the ensuing anarchic and economic chaos which I started continue on for many decades. I will be sipping my Schlitz and chomping on a bag of pretzels from my bunker as I enjoy the Fox news reports and wait for the rapture to take me on up. Yee-Hah!”

The interview, which Bush recorded with First Lady Laura Bush, will be stored in the
library of Congress and a holocaust museum devoted to the Bush presidency.

The president will also be presented on Monday at the library of Congress with the still-born foetus of an Iraqi child deformed from depleted uranium as a momento of his outstanding presidency.

Comrade Brown Orders Arrest of Traitor to the People Damien Green

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Comrade Ian Blair Chief Commissar of the Stasi today had a big grin on his face because of his final parting shot before he retires to his dacha in the countryside for early retirement.

Comrade Blair (no relation to the traitor of the people and capitalist scum, Tony Blair) enjoyed a last supper of cabbage soup with Comrade Brown at Number Ten Downing Street before retiring to his dacha in Sector 101.

There were soviet scones served at the table which were made from specially fermented cabbage and even some cabbage profiteroles served up by Comrade Brown’s wife, Comrade Sarah Brown.

“Comrades, I ordered Stasi officers headed by Commissar Blair to arrest a vile traitor to the soviet Vision of Change this morning. He will be summarily arrested and beaten with sticks until he confesses his crimes to the state.

“The Etonionite capitalists have been dealt a blow, if they say anything against our Ten Year Plan Vision of Change they will also be arrested.

“There are still enclaves of this Bullingdonianite faction out there and they will be rooted out like the yellow dogs they are and hunted. Borick Johnson, Cameron and that free-market democracy loving scum George Osborne. These vile merchants of democratic process are an affront to the Brown Vision of Era of Ten Year Plan and Change.

“Of course comrades, I will deny any knowledge of their arrest to the proles. It is the old trick of deny everything and admit to nothing.”

Notice to all, there will be no dissent to the state system of Brownism. Our great unelected leader, Comrade Brother Brown has made examples of many who have been arrested and are now enjoying the benefits of 42 years hard labour and re-reducation in gulags all over Soviet Britain.

Predictive programming is also being utilised so that the populations are used to the new regime of change and thoughtcrimes will be punished at every juncture. If any prole witnesses any dissent to the state or any thoughtcrimes, please report the offender to the nearest Stasi council official.

Comrades, you have all been warned.

Teenage Murderers To Be Let Off If They Say Sorry Under New Plans

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First-time murderers given a Youth Restorative Disposal will receive no formal record provided they do not murder again.

The architects of the YRD, to be tested in eight counties, say it will give 10 to 17-year-olds who commit ‘low-level knife and gun crimes’ a chance to ‘take responsibility’ for their actions.

Justice Minister David Pansonfya said: ‘The court system is daily full of these minor murder offences . Our remit is to lower the workload so that we can carry on busting innocent motorists for speeding offences and bin mismanagement offences.

‘Stabbings and shootings are considered minor offences and are so prevalent in British society under Labour’s regime that we have taken the measures we feel are necessary in dealing with this situation.

‘By introducing the “Say you’re sorry” option for the police, all first time murder offences committed by teens will result in a short sharp ticking off and the problem will be solved.

‘It also frees up the police to deal with more serious offences like speeding, littering and road tax offences.’

But critics are likely to seize on the measure as another move towards ‘soft’ justice.

Adult offenders can already escape first time stabbing offences with a caution if they agree to apologise,
while shoplifters and thieves routinely escape with just a pat on the back and a nod.

Whitehall figures to be released today are expected to confirm this march towards summary justice, with more than
half of all murder offences now punished outside the courts. Fatal stabbings in England reached a low of 2300 deaths in October alone, a 12% drop from August, according to Whitehall.

 

Tory justice spokesman Nick Herberts said: ‘I remember the days when murderers were tried and sentenced even for their first murder offence’.

He added: ‘If these disposals prevent further offending then they could have a role, but they must be used properly.’

Occasions when a YRD could be used include a chav scum hoodie who says sorry for stabbing a pensioner boarding a bus or an armed thug who apologises for shooting a schoolboy in the head so he can have his i-pod.

The Youth Justice Board, which is in charge of the scheme, gave the example of two children who have a gun fight after school. Potentially-they could receive a conviction for causing actual bodily harm.

But by agreeing to hold talks together with a ‘restorative justice’ official, and apologising, they would escape any punishment.

YJB chairman Francesca Cone said: ‘It gives a young person who commits murder for the first time a chance to take responsibility for their actions and improve their behaviour, or even their technique.

‘We believe this is a positive way to reduce the likelihood of reoffending.’

Police backed the sanction saying it will cut down on paperwork.

Officers will decide to use it ‘on the spot’ and try to bring the criminal and victim (if still alive) together immediately to save on form filling.

Assistant Chief Constable Ian Shannon of North Wales Police said: ‘Many times the victim is barely alive but as long as the teenage killer says sorry then they can be pardoned, we also allow the killers to say sorry to their dead victims relatives.’

The YJB said a young criminal can receive an unlimited amount of YRD’s.

Officials said it prevents ‘young people from being drawn into the criminal justice system unnecessarily, which is costly in time and resources and may not be the best way to deal with a young person who commits a
low-level murder crime as their first offence’.

The YJB said that in some cases the apology would be backed by a plan to ‘make good any damage’.

Serious crimes, such as speeding, recycling bin crimes and late tax payments, are excluded from the scheme.

Earlier this year the Daily Squib reported how the increased use of on-the-spot fines had meant so few criminals were now being sent to court that magistrates’ courts had cut their hours.

A leaked letter to Staffordshire magistrates said the drop was ‘directly attributable to increased use of fixed penalties and notices by the police and Crown Prosecution Service’.