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Miley Gets an Achy Breaky Cockroach Surprise

Norman Price
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Miley Gets an Achy Breaky Cockroach Surprise

During Miley Cyrus’s rather boring performance, the audience seemed to be falling asleep, that is until a giant cockroach fell from the rafters above landing straight onto her outstretched tongue.

Will Smith who was in the audience with his kids recalled the event: “I was bored out of my mind sitting there watching Miley simulating sex and fellating a rubber thumb, when out of the light rig a giant roach came down. I immediately got into Scientology mode to analyse this curious happening. She had her tongue out and was flicking it like a lizard, when the roach plopped on her tongue. Then what she did was truly unbelievable. She crunched that thing like a taco, the mic picked it all up as she ate it up chewing a little as the juices flowed down her chin. Then she smiled and burped. That’s all I remember. I’m gonna need some serious auditing after seeing that. Phew! As for my kids, I’m gonna send them straight to Sea Org for this to get over what they saw. I’m angry. Real angry.”

Miley Cyrus’s dad, Billy Bob Jim Cyrus who was in the audience said: “She broke my achy breaky heart with that performance. Back in Hicksville where we come from, we’re always taught to share. She shoulda saved some for her pa. She ain’t learned a single lesson I taught her.”

The rest of the VMA awards were uneventful, and included acts like G4326, R-Statz, L8967, X-6548334 and 1D.

The Invisible Front Syria and Iran

Norman Price
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The Invisible Front Syria and Iran

“Within the sphere of global politics, there are invisible lines which if crossed, are triggers for war. Syria is such a zone as it is heavily backed by Russia as is Iran. Global dominance by the United States and its allies crossing that line would mean the world’s power structure would alter favourably for the West against Russia and China. Already, the West has taken Libya, Egypt, Turkey, Tunisia and Iraq, as well as parts of Afghanistan. Once they take Syria and Iran, Russia will be on the back foot and its strategic global influence will be castrated. A weakened Russia would make it redundant in global brinksmanship and reduce its influence in foreign policy, as well as economically. The exponential increase in the world’s population naturally results in global resources and energy being reduced daily. These are not infinite, and once used up are gone forever, therefore it is inevitable that there will be a final clash to capture the whole world’s resources by one single faction. If this means completely eradicating the other faction, then it will be have to be done, quickly and efficiently. There should not be any mercy or political solutions, as mercy will mean there are survivors who have to be fed and clothed,” professor in geopolitics at the University of Maastricht, revealed at a recent news conference in the Dutch city.

Sooner or later someone had to make the first move.

Loch Ness Monster Gone On Holiday For Silly Season

Norman Price
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Loch Ness Monster Gone On Holiday For Silly Season

“I can’t be bothered by all the Daily Mail and Sun reporters after a piccie. I’m off!” someone overheard the Loch Ness monster bubbling as it swam off at great speed.

This year’s silly season began early with pictures of washed up monster carcasses on a beach, a big cat in someone’s garden, a Great White shark in Hastings and a few pictures of Big Foot taken from about 2 miles away.

Next year’s silly season will include even more silliness as papers desperate to fill those pages excavate even more nonsense.

Short the Euro Now

Norman Price
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1
Short the Euro Now

Every week we get three or four announcements about how well the eurozone economy is doing, but one only has to look at some very alarming indicators to realise the truth is otherwise.

We of course have our trusty Greek friends who are playing the long game, and their goal is to exit the eurozone with a very big bang holding two fingers up at the technocrats in Frankfurt. One has to first analyse the Mediterranean sensibilities of the Greeks, and of course you will see there has been a veritably large vendetta going on with Germany ever since World War II.

The Italians are in a very sorry state economically and their bursting welfare bills are sucking the life out of their embattled nation. When businessmen are moving whole factories out of the country, you can foresee a terrible frothy whirlpool storm brewing in the Tiber as their bottom heavy burdenous state sucks down the pyramid.

Spain is a dead bull’s carcass which has had its cojones lopped off by Brussels. With over 27% unemployment, they are stranded in a desert of bones waiting patiently for someone or something to crush their skeletal numbskulls and finish the job.

France is a socialist tax nightmare where all business and production has been stifled to the point of no return. The socialists have killed the French economy and it is now barely a shell not even fit for the guillotine.

As the dominoes fall, this will be the EU’s Glasnost, this will be the EU’s Berlin wall falling, and you can be fully prepared to make some sizeable returns by shorting the euro from this point of 1.33 mark. It’s a long way down and it will splutter making horrible noises as it chokes on its own poison.

This unwinding EU rubber band will bring down the banks, so if you have money in those, take it out immediately. Please do not forget what happened in Cyprus. They can take your money at whim after they exhaust every other avenue. When the banking elite want their money, you are there to give it to them and there is nothing you can do about it if you are caught unprepared in the deadly maelstrom.

3D Printed Girlfriend Doesn’t Talk Back

Norman Price
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3D Printed Girlfriend Doesn’t Talk Back

“She has all the curves in the right place and the necessary parts, and the good thing is she don’t talk back. Say I want to watch the game on TV or go to the pub. Not a bloody whiny word. Not only that she’s cheap to run and does not go through your credit cards buying expensive useless junk or demands anything of you. The best part of it all is, she does not try and change you, and appreciates you even if you’re a chillaxing couch potato with no job. You don’t need to pretend to like her friends. Give her a cookbook and she’ll memorise every dish to cook perfect meals, whilst you relax. She’s going to make a lot of men happy,” Kumiko Akira-San one of the engineers on the project revealed.

The modern day Geisha girl does however amuse her keeper with witty anecdotes and amazing blow jobs.

“I got my 3D printer on Monday, printed my 3D girlfriend on Tuesday, by Wednesday I had already kicked out my real girlfriend — she was no match for this one,” a happy customer told Japanese Tech News.

Anyone can download a template design from the My 3D Girlfriend site which includes numerous realistic designs available and be up and running in a day or so. The remote control comes as standard if you buy the kit.

Women’s groups around the globe were outraged at the premise and have vowed to 3D print the perfect man. Fortunately for them, the Daily Squib male staff were on hand to give a perfect template.

Religious Experts Debunk Science

Norman Price
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Religious Experts Debunk Science

“These scientists like to think they know everything and they have theories about things that are not in the Holy book, but I have a question for them they cannot answer. Who created them? God created everything including the stars and the sea, and he did that all in seven days,” Minister for the Kentucky Reform Church told Fox News.

Reverend Arnold Winkum, from the Petersboro Baptist church conclusively debunks science and evolution: “In the Bible it says that Noah put all the animals in two by two. You know like even insects, mosquitoes and crocodiles, elephants, tigers, polar bears and skunks, that was hell of a feat back in the day. Hell, they wouldn’t be able to get half the animals in a boat these days. And lest we forget Jesus, that dude walked on water and could turn water into wine. Scientists can’t fly or cure lepers by simply touching them. C’mon this is ridiculous. I had one scientist tell me the earth was millions of years old. How I laughed, how can the earth be millions of years old if God created it 4,000 years ago in seven days? It’s all in the Bible, maybe they should read it some time.”

Ed Miliband: The Gift That Keeps Giving

Norman Price
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Ed Miliband: The Gift That Keeps Giving

“Here is a nowhere man with no policies, no charisma and a set of Dalek eyes that complement his squeaky nasal voice. He does not command any authority and is half the man his brother is. If it were David Miliband up there, then there would be some cause for concern for the Tories, but Ed is just flailing around in the dark,” Ron McMasters a Westminster commentator told this week’s Channel 4 Dispatches.

Another Westminster insider commented: “As champagne socialists go, poor old Ed Miliband is not one. Perhaps we should call him Moribund, as he subscribes to the school of Michael Foot, except he’s barely a toe even there.”

Let us therefore praise Ed Miliband for taking Labour back to the stone age with his ridiculous Marxist undertones and even more ridiculous vocal delivery.

Voters certainly will not want that thing bleating at them every other day for four years. However much people detest the Tories, they will most probably opt for the lesser of two evils.

Being Pessimistic is Actually Being Optimistic Say Experts

Norman Price
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Being Pessimistic is Actually Being Optimistic Say Experts

“Let’s face it, the world today is an extremely cruel and unforgiving place. Make a mistake and everyone in the universe knows about it, no privacy, no second chances and economically there are multiple variables constantly pushing you towards the poor house. Therefore, to be happy and optimistic all the time is actually dangerous to your health, and you will follow your certain doom like a smiling lemming if you carry on being happy. We studied American Obama voters during the elections and analysed their faces. They were being sold hope, and they fell for it hook line and sinker. There is only one human emotion more powerful than fear and that is hope. Because of those people who were projecting their happiness and undying trust on that politician, the Americans are all now in a bigger hole than before. Now instead of being a lemming, if you are negative in your outlook, you can see the dangers and the threats to any situation, therefore you will not fall into the trap of trusting your enemies however much they promise you things and smile at you. This is the positive nature of negativity. All this New Age stuff, or supposed positivity foisted on the public is there to disarm humans. You are not free when they tell you you are happy and should feel happy as long as you follow their doctrines, you are simply putty in the hands of those who exploit your happiness and positive conditioning,” one of the scientists on the project revealed in the New Scientist.

The study showed that people who were overly optimistic all the time were easily conned and could be manipulated to do things for others, of course all the while smiling at their fate.

“True positivity lies in pessimism, because you can see the reality of the situation and do not follow blindly. People who are happy all the time are essentially targets who can easily be erradicated with little effort. They are unarmed, defenceless. There’s nothing funny or humourous with that premise, that you will be used endlessly for being happy go lucky and fun,” another social scientist on the project wrote on the research paper.

What a bunch of miserable bastards eh.

Guardian Journalists Pictured Having Morning Meeting

Norman Price
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Guardian Journalists Pictured Having Morning Meeting

 

Amongst the smouldering remains of a laptop in the corner of the room, it is certainly quite unusual to have had access to the Guardian newspaper’s morning pow wow session but nevertheless they allowed one of our photo journalists into a session.

“I was truly honoured to be welcomed into the Guardian inner sanctum and to view the Graunies hard at work. As for the interns, well, they were truly hard working busy bees as they were ferried around on carts on their daily duties. Each terrorist, ahem, I mean journalist has their own little writing cell not larger than a chicken coop, and of course amongst their possessions I found they all had a crucial piece of equipment, you guessed it, a copy of the latest edition of the Daily Mail, of course purely to use as toilet paper,” our trusty photographer revealed.

Guardian editor, Alan Rusbridger was on hand to explain a few things about working life in the left-wing newspaper.

“Some people say we are Trotskyites, or Brownites, and we fully subscribe to the communist ethos. Well, they’re correct. Therefore it is quite ironic that we would be so up in arms about all this spying malarkey. Remember that under the East German Stasi and Soviet era of Gordon Brown there was a similar element of spying that was going on as is now under the NSA and GCHQ. We should therefore be embracing the mass spying and soviet-style clamping down of freedom of speech under today’s US and UK government. I do confess, we are very confused here at the Guardian. Now please excuse me, I have been called to the courtyard for my daily exercise which involves walking in an enclosed space for 20 minutes while armed guards watch my every move.”

Boycott the Pumps or Suffer the Consequences

Norman Price
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0
Boycott the Pumps or Suffer the Consequences

 

 

 

GET BRITAIN MOVING AGAIN BOYCOTT THE PUMPS!

“Petrol will rise by 5p a litre by next week and the Chancellor is most probably planning to bring in large fuel duty increases as more ‘good news’ feeds in regarding the economy. Currently due to the recession, the fuel tax escalator has stalled, but when interest rates rise, so will the fuel duty to even more ridiculous levels. The government raising taxes as well as the added misery of crude oil prices rising daily because of Middle Eastern turmoil will be a major squeeze on peoples’ finances in the not too distant future,” said the Petrol Retailers’ Association.

Filling the petrol tank of a standard car in the UK today costs a minimum of £120 ($186).

Already 75% of the fuel price in the UK is made up of tax revenue for the government. Nowhere in the world is petrol this expensive and the fluctuation of the world’s crude oil prices add to the British motorist’s discontent.

Ever wondered why the petrol price goes up as soon as bad news comes out, but when the crude oil price drops, pump prices still go up? The simple reason for this is that the UK motorist is being shafted with a big stick and their apathy to this fact is why this terrible injustice continues year after year.

YOU can make a difference by not buying petrol any more

Dear readers, pass this on to your friends, your enemies and anyone else who will listen. We can do something, we can make a difference, we can stop the utter madness of Britain’s rip off fuel prices.

Here is what YOU can do:

1. STOP buying petrol. Walk! Ride a bike! Ride a horse! Ride an elephant!

2. Do not buy any more fuel. If every Briton stopped buying petrol, maybe the criminals who are perpetuating the daylight fuel robbery may stop and listen.

3. Petrol? What’s that? Just forget it ever existed. Change your lifestyle, and you shall be set free from the petrol prison.

4. Forget about travelling outside a 50 mile radius of your home.

5. Work from home. Be self sufficient and sever your ties with anything that requires long distance travel.

6. Sell your car. It’s not worth running it or being a cash cow anymore. No more MOT, road tax, insane insurance costs, parking fines, bus lane fines, speeding fines or repairs.

7. You don’t need to drive your car to the shops. Stop buying useless f*cking junk anyway. Only go to the shops for essential items and either walk or ride your bike there.

8. Grow your own food at home to minimise the need to travel to the shops.

9. If you can afford to buy a train ticket at today’s rip off prices by all means do so once in awhile if a long distance journey is essential.

10. Invent a vehicle that runs on anything but petrol. Good luck with that one.

PRINT THIS PAGE OUT AND PUT IT ONTO YOUR FRIDGE OR WALL. REMIND YOURSELF EVERY DAY TO NOT BUY PETROL ANY MORE. REPEAT THIS MESSAGE TO YOURSELF EVERY DAY WHEN YOU WAKE UP. YOU DO NOT NEED PETROL. YOU DO NOT NEED A CAR. YOU DO NOT NEED TO PAY TO TRAVEL. YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FINED, TAXED AND TRACKED FOR TRAVELLING.

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