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New Taxi App Unter Causing London Traffic Chaos

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Created by 21-year-old Hong Hung Hi. Unter is based in Palo Alto, United States and is now worth over $650 billion.

“The concept is real simple. Where Uber means cars, Unter means drivers can use anything to transport their passengers. You got a go-cart, shopping trolley nicked from Morrisons, an old mule, or just a piece of rope, your customers get to their destination and everyone’s happy.”

Despite the words of encouragement from the company’s founder, Unter has come under fire recently from Londoners and taxi firms that use motor vehicles to transport their passengers.

“I was driving down Shaftesbury when in front of me were 260 Unter taxis. Some were in trolleys, there was a tramp dragging a passenger in a cardboard box and even a camel. When the lights turned green, it took three hours to clear the junction,” Ron Melchard, a London cabbie told the BBC.

Unter customers are however delighted with the app and it has got rave reviews on the site.

“Where can you get a ride from Highgate to Whitehall for 23 pence? I thoroughly enjoyed my ride on an old dusty carpet smeared with cat poo and dragged along by my Unter driver. It took four days for the journey but my cab costs have gone right down.”

Confederate Flag Now Classified As Lethal Weapon By U.S. State Department

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“Under section 1034-23, the Confederate flag is now classified as a dangerous weapon and any citizen seen owning, looking at, or even thinking about the flag could be prosecuted under the Obama Offensive Flag Law,” Vice Chairman of Staff, Daquan Yoghurt, told reporters.

On Thursday, a man was arrested in Kentucky after wrapping a confederate flag around a black poodle belonging to an old lady, he proclaimed his innocence but was still shot 47 times by police officers attending the scene.

The new ruling will be instated nationally in its entirety some time next week, and should pass through the Senate in July.

Scaremongering German Eurocrat Unveils Putin Monster For Brexit

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Enter Christian Democrat MP Dr Norbert Röttgen, a chief commissar of Comrade Merkel, and her fiendish plot to unseat the EU referendum.

He thinks he speaks for Russian pariah president Vladimir Putin, and says Uncle Vlad wants a Brexit.

“What we have here is a classic case of fearmongering propaganda which will invariably be pumped into households day and night right up to the referendum. It will seep into your very soul, and under the carpets, you will think Russians are behind the curtains waiting to pounce and the spectre of T-90 tanks rumbling down Trafalgar Square will haunt your every waking moment. The truth is, if Putin wanted to take Britain he would take it irrespective of it being in the EU or not. He would first cut through Europe like a knife through butter and the decommissioned British army would of course fight to the end outnumbered Zulu-like on this embattled island. Whether Britain joins the EU or not is of no consequence, what shall be done, shall be done, and Putin is simply being used here by their historic German foes as a focus point to scare the living shit out of you,” Professor of Propaganda Studies at Ruislip University revealed today.

The truth is, without the shackles of the EU holding Britain back, it would soar to be a global power, not only economically but militarily.

TIPS TO BYPASS PRO-EU PROPAGANDA

1) Switch off the telly as soon as it comes on

2) Look briefly if caught out, but then use factual reasoning powers and logic to see the nonsense of the propaganda

3) Always look at alternative sources (Daily Squib comes to mind)

4) Remember the people that died for Britain, remember their sacrifice, remember that surrender is not what made Britain. Winston Churchill wanted a united europe but not a Stasi totalitarian Soviet dictatorship

5) Look at the streets right now, and multiply by a thousand the number of foreign people there, because if Britain surrenders, you will eventually be turfed out of your own home and country by economic invaders and lose everything

6) Bookmark this site right now and spread far and wide

 

Fit of Rage: Greek PM Tsipras Force Feeds Schäuble Kebab at EU Meeting

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“I gotta da pita bread and da chilli sauce and da kebab, I wrap it up, and I put it in my briefcase with EU proposal. I’m angry! When I got to the meeting Wolfie, he look at me and say No! That’s when I see red mist, I calmly get up take the kebab and I say here is Greek gift to you-u-u! I stuff the whole pita in his mouth and he chokes (making choking sound) then I say you like your meal? Do you like this nice Greek food? I give it to you my friend!” a visibly shaken Tsipras recalled on Euronews TV channel, after the umpteenth eurozone meeting this week.

The Germans did not take kindly to the culinary intervention and quickly ushered the Greek PM out of the room while Wolfgang Schäuble recovered from the kebab assault.

Meanwhile, back in Greece, ministers were unrepentant about the incident.

“If we lose this free money we always get, we are going to have to work and pay tax. That is unthinkable for Greeks. We just want subsidies, free money and a good time by the beach. Tsipras was just showing the goodwill of the Greek people,” Latsos Manaka, a Finance Ministry spokesman told newspapers on Wednesday.

U.S. Economy Bubble Resembles Large Unpopped Pimple Says Fed

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The U.S. economy resembles a large straining pustule about to pop its bulbous pus all over the place.

“You ever get a pimple on the end of your nose? First it’s angry and red, painful to the touch, you nurture that thing with love and care, squeeze it once in awhile to test its contents. Once matured, it fills up nice and good, you can even see a little white head straining from the top. This time when you squeeze, you get payback as that balloon pops satisfyingly all over the mirror, well, that pimple is exactly like the economy, and when it bursts it will actually be a relief,” Fed Chairman, Janet Yellen told Congress on Tuesday.

Travellers Going Through Calais Urged to Check News Before Leaving Africa

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Imgbo Wakusi, 28, a convicted murderer and cannibal, was anxious about the travel chaos at the French port: “I checked the news. I had already got the caravan ready, tires pumped and the oil topped up. It’s pretty scary that all this sort of thing is going on. Can’t these people act like civilised human beings? I’ve got a good mind to write to my local MP.”

The French government was unapologetic about the travel chaos created by British people travelling on their holidays and blamed the UK government.

“Naturally, it is the Ros Beef fault. They’re not allowing millions of people from the Third World to travel freely into their stupid little island. We are going to great lengths to open the borders for the African travellers to go to Britain, but no, the English swine stop us doing our job,” Pierre Dumerde, a senior official at the Calais port revealed.

 

Think Tank: Battle Between Orthodox Islam and Shia Sect Helps West

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“Not only are the Western powers aligned with the Kurds but they seem to be conducting a proxy war against Turkey, who as a regional power holds NATO’s second largest army.

“Why would there be internal friction within NATO members complementing the destabilisation of the Middle East?

“The current conflict tainting much of the Arab lands is a war between Sunni and Shia, the former being the orthodox interpretation of Islam, and the latter being a sect of Islam, seen by many within the religion as a false interpretation and blasphemous to the original writings of Muhammed.

“The estimates of the number of Shia range from 120 to 170 million, roughly one-tenth of all Muslims.

“Therefore, the current war still in progress, could last for many years to come. What some in the West do not understand is that groups like ISIS are the core of Islam itself, and they strictly uphold the original orthodox teachings of the Muslim prophet, therefore their belief system is one that insists they are the correct path.

“Whoever is controlling groups like ISIS is not yet known, but one can have an idea from watching who they attack and who they leave alone (naming no names).

“President Obama has very kindly dropped off millions of pieces of military US-made weaponry to the area, almost like a pick’n’mix so that whichever faction gains ground gets the spoils.

“By arming Kurdish terror groups, the PKK and YPG, and giving them air support, Obama has estranged a key ally, Turkey, who have been constantly attacked by Kurds for over 50 years. The indemnity that is felt therefore is not lost, when during the Sunni, Shia war, a key ally of the West and NATO member moves away from Europe and looks further East.

“Turkey has lost all aspiration of being accepted in the EU, simply because they would never be let in to the bloc anyway as the demarcation lines are still firmly placed between religions. Although Turkey used to hold secular ideologies, those have been left much in the dirt as its abandonment from the EU accelerated.

“The numerous atrocities committed in the war zones, are all there to see through internet propaganda videos, and have zealously been covered in the Western media networks, not only as a form of entertainment but as a fear inducing mechanism.

“When someone like David Cameron, the prime minister of Britain says that all Muslims should loudly condemn the groups fighting in the Middle East, he speaks with tongue in cheek as he fully knows that the West is fuelling the conflict itself.

“The current underdogs are ISIS, although for the West, to see Muslims killing other Muslims in sectarian wars is an aphrodisiac, as the hatred for them is so strong.

“It is not only the West who is deeply embedded within the Middle East but Russia, as the red line goes through Damascus and Tehran, the Russians are with the Shia, and in geopolitical terms, this is simply another front, as is the Ukraine.

“Now that ISIS moves towards Libya and Yemen, and onto Africa, they spread their ideology and stalwart military resilience away from the previous focus points to other regions, causing more fear and damage but gaining supporters along the way. Luckily for them, the path was cleared by the West through regime change in Libya, Yemen, Iraq and currently under way in Syria, the final goal being Iran.

“The second Gulf War directed by George W. Bush and his henchmen, was key in creating the vacuum for ISIS to be built, because it was a deposition of a secular Sunni leader and instatement of a Shia controlled government. This in turn created anger amongst the majority Sunni tribes who are now fighting to restore their place in the region. George W. Bush’s actions created an engineered void encouraging resentment as Sunni Iraqis were discriminated against or hunted down and killed. The president’s actions however were well calculated, as his military advisers knew that the newly instated Vichy government would foment the beginnings of the Third World War.

“The current U.S. president’s job has been rather simple, and that is to hold back. Like a rubber band being pulled further, public opinion will eventually snap and come around to boots on the ground again. The next president of the United States already knows the brief, and that’s to clean up the pawns of war as their usefulness is not needed any more. Those who were seen to being helped previously will be decimated and turned on as much as the overt enemy. Divide and conquer, a simple strategy perfected over thousands of years but a technique that needs much planning beforehand.”

Merkel: “I Have No Balls That’s Why EU Will Continue Funding Greece”

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“This can has been kicked so far down the road that it’s barely kickable,” an economic analyst in Brussels revealed today.

Another analyst said: “The EU is going to throw away another 18 Billion euros into a black hole. It must really hurt now to be a eurozone taxpayer, imagine busting your behind, working long hours fully knowing well that the majority of your money is going to Greece, that must be really painful. I’d rather be unemployed.”

Bent over the table

In Greece, there were cheers of delight as the Greeks celebrated the news that Merkel had backed down.

“Back to the villa, we drink ouzo and party. Just another day in Greece. Let the Northern Europeans work, while we play and spend their money. This is beautiful, Merkel has no malakas, just like when she told Putin to stop fighting in Ukraine, and he simply continued pouring more troops in there. You need balls to negotiate, and Merkel has none, bwah hahaha!”

Anti-austerity Celebrity Millionaires March For Hypocrisy

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Pop star-turned-activist Charlotte Church, 29, who turned up to the anti-austerity march in a chauffeur driven Mercedes, attacked austerity as a “good idea if you pay tax and work, but not so good if you’re a benefits breeder”.

She added: “I’m here today because I live in a £2.5 million mansion and these people do not, but I want to be seen to care plus it boosts my celebrity status. Since I stopped singing I been out of the limelight for awhile.”

Ms. Church then applied a hefty kick with her boot on a crusty holding a banner telling him to “get out of the fucking way you unwashed smellbucket!”

Anti austerity publicity

Also at the march was former comedian Russell Brand, who has now taken on the mantle of speaker for the people and part time ‘revolutionary messiah’.

“Austerity’s been good for me. My offshore accountant told me the other day that I’d made another packet, what was it, 650k, I said it’s good that it’s offshore then, innit? Just add it up with the rest of the wonga. I see the poor people here, and it’s a paradigm shift in my attitude, because at heart I’m poor, but my bank manager bloody well loves me. My raison d’etre is to speak for the people, and get them to buy my bookie wookies with their hard earned benefits. It’s like a paradigm shift from the taxpayer to my banky accounty so I don’t want that IDS chap ruining my living by fleecing the poor of my money.”

Hail the cause..

Revealed: Kim Jong-un’s Cure for Aids, Ebola and Cancer With Single Mystery Wonder-drug

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Sources have been gathering information on the hermit state and its claims a miracle breakthrough can rid people of Sars and MERS as well as Aids, Ebola and cancer.

Korean Central News Agency insists the drug can ‘prevent different malignant epidemics’.

The new drug Kumdung-4 is purportedly a one-fix-all drug that can cure pretty much anything.

The vaccine, however, has been revealed to not be ingested or injected into the disease victim but is instead delivered in a bullet from a gun.

“Our man in Pyonyang witnessed the new drug in use the other day. A man had some incurable disease, so the doc said he would give him an immediate cure. He took out a gun and shot him,” an observer revealed.