17.7 C
London
Friday, January 2, 2026
secret satire society
Home Blog Page 489

No Brexit Plan Says Osborne Because We Will Ensure Britain Stays in EU

14

“You may vote to get out of the Soviet EU, but your vote will not count. Our propaganda and our shady dealings at the polling offices will ensure that,” Chancellor George Osborne told the BBC.

The people don’t matter

The No Brexit Plan statement is also another signal that the government (which plans pretty much everything sometimes 50 years in advance) is so assured of winning the EU Referendum that they can make ridiculous claims like that.

Has George Osborne finally shot himself in the foot?

“Georgie has been a good-ish boy up until now, what with keeping a lid on the economy, but this latest No Brexit Plan thing is rather off. I think he needs a rest maybe, some time away from the pressure,” a raring to go EU Referendum voter revealed on Friday.

Russians Deny Behind Istanbul Bomb Killing 10 German Tourists

1

“We have nothing to do with this. It must be the Islamic State that did it. At least that’s the cover story,” Volkov Dmitriev, a Russian consul official in Istanbul told newspapers.

Turkish authorities detained three Russians following a suicide bomb attack in Istanbul that killed 10 German tourists, media reports said on Wednesday.

When asked about the bombing incident, Russian president Vladimir Putin was strangely silent, and passed a cup of clear liquid to the reporter from the Tass news agency.

The reporter has since died.

Captured U.S. Sailors Sing Obama Anthem to Iranians

0

The sailors were detained on Tuesday after one of their two vessels broke down during a training mission, the US says.

A statement read on state media said the group was released into international waters after singing Obama’s theme song for 48 hours non stop.

Mahmoud Villagiki, an Iranian Revolutionary Guard commander said: “My men could not take it any more. We just said, go, and don’t ever come back again.”

It comes at a sensitive time, as the US and Iran try to implement the deal on Iran’s nuclear activities.

A US official confirmed the sailors’ release to the Reuters news agency.

“Our brave sailors got away unscathed. In the navy, Yes, you can sail the seven seas. In the navy, Yes, you can put your mind at ease.”

 

Caitlyn Jenner Training For Olympics

0

 

“I’m going to show the world that girls can do things just as good as the boys,” Jenner said at her training circuit in Beverly Hills.

Caitlyn Jenner has a gruelling training session and gets up at three in the morning to run. The Decathlon is a serious event, and to compete with the best, she has some great trainers to help her.

Along with the shot put, long jump, high jump and pole vault, there’s the 1,500 metres which really is the test that will count.

“I have a lot of upper body strength especially for the shot put. I’m getting 13.80 right now but hope to stretch it to 14.40 by the end of summer,” Jenner told reporters.

To prove his strength in the event, Jenner picked up a female reporter and threw her across some grass, the CNN reporter took the display in her stride and whooped with joy at the playful act.

Team USA has a real winner in Brazil this year and the bets are on for Jenner going for gold.

Biden: 70 Percent of Americans Could Be Banned From Owning Guns

14

Seventy percent of Americans are using prescription painkiller and anti-psychotic drugs. Under newly introduced executive orders presented by president Obama, this would deem seventy percent of America’s population as illegible to own guns through mental illness filters and restrictions.

According to vice president, Joe Biden, the Second Amendment of the U.S Constitution Bill of Rights ‘says that you can limit who can own a gun’.

 

“If you’re popping pills every day to get by, you are effectively classified as mentally unstable, because you can’t cope with life without your mental medication. People who take prescription drugs are also liable to exhibit unhinged behaviour as these pharmaceuticals permanently alter the brain’s chemistry,” an adviser and physician working with the Institute of Drug Classification in consultation with the Obama adminsitration revealed on Tuesday.

It’s not just prescription drugs which also could meddle with gun ownership, drugs like marijuana and any other recreational drug use would also limit gun ownership.

“People who take recreational drugs, and alcohol are also classified under this ruling, and would thus also be restricted in gun ownership. If you take prescription drugs and also use illegal drugs, you got double jeopardy there. You are skewed mentally, under the influence of multiple drugs, and we can find these substances in your blood even after abstinence. If you own a gun, we will revoke your licence, if you want to purchase a gun, you will be refused,” the physician added.

Mental health evaluations could now become mandatory for all citizens within the United States, a leading legislator in Washington is advising. If this is the case, 90% of the U.S. population could be banned from owning guns.

What Churchill Really Thought of the European Union

0

On the one hand, there are the Euro-sceptics, and on the other are the pro-EU people, so what did Churchill really want to happen in Europe post-war?

Contrary to belief, Sir Winston Churchill was for a global government, and he specifically wanted a union between France and Britain in forming a European Union. However, what was envisaged as an Anglo-Franco union by Churchill in his speech at the Albert Hall in 1947, has never materialised. We instead have a Franco-Germanic union within the EU, for they are the core players with Germany at the head. To this end, these two entities have chosen to isolate Britain, to flood these islands with millions of people from inside and outside of Europe and cause the country’s essential services to buckle with the strain. Churchill would not have been happy to have seen the deterioration in Britain we are seeing today, caused mainly by the Franco-Germanic alliance working against Britain and trying to destroy its sovereignty and democracy.

Nearing the time of his death, Churchill was sad about the decline of the British Empire, especially the loss of India, but the spectre of a Soviet threat was analogous to the desire to create a counterpoint to the threat from the East.

Churchill’s political stance wavered many times, at one time joining the Liberal Democrats, and then returning to the Conservative party, and so his attitude towards the EU would have equally wavered if he was around today, and witnessed what ‘union’ has done to modern day Britain.

Europhiles within Britain will oft quote Churchill when espousing the positive points of the European Union, however they do not understand the man at all or the times we are in at this very point.

Where do we stand? We are not members of the European Defence Community, nor do we intend to be merged in a Federal European system. We feel we have a special relation to both. This can be expressed by prepositions, by the preposition “with” but not “of”—we are with them, but not of them.

Sir Winston Churchill – Commons speech 11 May 1953

The Middle East is in turmoil, millions of refugees are flooding to Europe and the threat from Russia has not dissipated despite the fall of the Soviet Union. We are in fact, in a state of (proxy) war, and Churchill, if he were alive would have addressed this issue with great volition. Instead, our current leaders are caught in the headlights, they are preoccupied with their project of union, when this project is being attacked daily from multiple angles. To have union, you must have peace, prosperity, of which we have none, the world is instead on the brink of economic collapse and war.

If Churchill were alive today, he would abhor Cameron’s vapid, duplicitous misleading stance, and he would balk at the way the British citizens themselves are being treated, not only by the EU, but by their own politicians. To ignore the people is to ignore political office, and to ignore what is going on in the Middle East is a death sentence for all civilisation. Cameron is weak, he is not an International thinker but a man only concerned for his minor role in sealing his tenure as leader of the Conservative party and his reputation.

The disingenuous workings of the pro-EU lobby in selling off Britain will backfire, the British people do not want this EU mess, simply because it is not what was sold to Britain. European union should mean prosperity, not poverty, Soviet collectivist doctrines, overcrowding, flooding of benefits seeking migrants, ludicrous diktats and a totalitarian expensive shambles ruled by unelected overpaid profligate technocrats.

Britain will always embrace the open sea, but why should it embrace imprisonment in a union of disunion? That is what the EU is now, it is falling apart, an almighty clutter that has lost its vision, led by idiots, megalomaniacs and freeloaders.

Did the real spirit of Britain die with Churchill? We shall find out soon enough..

 

World War II: David Cameron Would Have Collaborated With Germany Say Historians

2

Historians from the Institute of History have analysed the manner of the current British Prime Minister and have come to a solid conclusion that if he was around at the time of World War II, he would be collaborating with the Germans to take over Britain.

“Every speech that David Cameron does regarding Europe and the EU now is one that effectively gives away Britain’s sovereignty. It is therefore quite probable and accurate to say that he would have had no qualms about selling off Britain to the Nazis during WW2,” professor Dean Arkwright revealed in the analytical research paper.

Collaborators with the Nazis during the war were not looked upon kindly as were other sympathisers of the Nazi regime.

The full study and its findings will be revealed after the EU referendum which may or may not be held this year.

Celebrity Big Brother Electric Chair Will Be Announced Next Week

2

Dan Croft, one of the producer’s for the Channel 5 Celebrity Big Brother show says that participants will have an electrifying time next week when a real electric chair is introduced in the house.

As of yet, there are no concrete details about how the electric challenge will go but Croft has revealed a few bits of info that may sate the diet.

“We had to consult experts from America about the chair. It is an original electric chair used against convicts in the 1950s and will administer real electric shocks to the participants. Our legal experts also were consulted as well as the agents of the celebrities. The electric shocks they will receive will not be life threatening but give enough voltage to sear their hair and skin, so it is a serious challenge,” Croft added.

This year’s CBB has no one of any value participating, therefore nothing has changed since previous years.

Why Articles About How ‘the Internet’ Feels Are Useless

0

 

According to all news organisations, what the internet ‘feels’ at any time is a news worthy story.

How the hell do you know what the internet feels anyway? This terrible situation first occurred when some scurrilous media company claimed that Kim Kardashian’s buttocks ‘broke the internet’ but nothing was further than the truth. Okay, maybe twitter, a fast moving rambling maelstrom of words was spammed by the images for a few minutes, but this does not equate to ‘breaking’ anything. In reality, the Kardashians are a mere speckle of faeces in the universe of things, they will not be remembered, no one will care about them in the future, it will be as if they never existed, if only that were true, that they never existed; as for the internet, since when has spamming been an acceptable practice?

We therefore suggest that the internet is a vast platform, and no single news story can completely encompass its girth at any given time. There will be some sections which embrace certain stories, and others which completely ignore what is going on in any given circle or geographic, cultural location.

Next time you see a headline about what the ‘internet’ is feeling, or reacting to, just ignore it, because the next few seconds, and it’s all forgotten, such is the low-attention span of the fucking internet.

At Least Bowie Missed the Tube Strike

0

One way of missing a tube strike is death, and David Bowie succeeded in not enduring the misery of a London Underground tube strike.

The fact that Bowie lived in New York city is neither here nor there, but if he did still live in London, he would have missed it.

While we’re on the subject of missing tube strikes, let’s not forget Lemmy from Motorhead, who missed the tube strike too.

Lemmy lived in Los Angeles but you get the gist of it by now..

Keith Richards, on the other hand, well, he’ll have to endure another tube strike, he’ll be crammed in a bus somewhere between Finsbury park and Tottenham Court road, with multiple smelly armpits dangling over his feathered cap and a permanent scowl etched on his weathered face.