ECB to Start Printing Money Tomorrow

FRANKFURT - Germany - In an astonishing about turn, Chancellor Merkel has instructed the European Central Bank to start printing money to purchase Euro bonds tomorrow.

“We have finally come around from dithering and ruining the world’s economy by agreeing to start quantitative easing immediately,” European Commission chief, Jose Manuel Barroso, told an impromptu press conference.

Markets worldwide suddenly jolted away from free fall and popped upward like a neglected todger that hadn’t erupted for a thousand years.

“The world just rejoiced that the morons and ars*h*les in charge of the EU finally got a f*cking clue. They need to pay for the spending sprees somehow, and I have to say that QE is the only way out of the black hole for the stubborn sh*ts in the EU. Why should the rest of the world suffer because of those c*nts? Let them pay for their own mess,” a relieved investor told the Daily Telegraph.

Across the Atlantic, the Dow Jones rose by 20% in the first 10 minutes of trading as did the S&P. Closer to home, the FTSE 100 rose by 18% as did the German and French markets.