“Malheureusement, we have had to downgrade the cuisine de notre compatriats to AA because frankly nous sommes malades of the same old frog’s legs and escargots. I had a piffling raw steak l’autre jour and I vomited into a bucket afterwards. We call that cuisine Française? Give me roast beef, crispy pommes de terre and some f*cking gravy any day. How’s about a bit of oeufs and frites or a full English? I know I’m a grenouille myself but I can’t take the oeufs au plat Meyerbeer anymore, how’s about a deep fried mars bar stuffed in a Heston Blumenthal nettle soup marinated with raw unwashed potato skins and a dose of food poisoning. ‘Ere I was on that Master Chef the other day, who’s that brick layer barrow boy? He told me my soufflé was weak, I told him to go and lay some bricks on a wall, the f*cking English peasant. But, at the end of the jour, mes amis, c’est une grande tragédie,” Senior Chef at the Institute, Dominique Strauss Sperme, told Le Monde newspaper.
The French have been so angry at their cuisine being downgraded that they have threatened to blockade the Channel Tunnel and ferry ports indefinitely until their AAA gourmet rating is reinstated.
Speaking from Paris, the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, said: “We will ask the Germans to invade England and show them that we mean business. Soon the English cochons will be begging for mercy and they will give up their false AAA food rating. I am going to phone my boss, Angela, right now, you English have eaten your last Bubble and Squeak.”