Americans Leave Iraq After Using Up All the Oil

BAGHDAD - Iraq - The Americans are leaving the country they invaded eight years ago after using up all the oil and resources, a US official has admitted.

Speaking from what used to be Iraq’s main oil refinery in the Salaheddin province north of Baghdad, but is now dry as a bone, Operations Director, Johnson Hick, said: “It is with great sadness that we will leave this place but there ain’t no more oil left. We used all of it up, and now we have to move onto the next oil country, which is your neighbour, Iran. Thank Jesus they’re dabbling in nuclear stuff because without that we’d have no excuse to invade the sons of bitches. As soon as we get the go ahead from Israel, we’ll start sending in more of our young soldiers to die for oil.”

America uses up 58% of the world’s resources and needs to constantly find new resource rich countries to invade so it can stay afloat. The Iraq war was responsible for an indeterminate number of Iraqi civilian deaths numbering in the hundreds of thousands and millions of displaced people from their own country. The United States peppered the country with vast amounts of depleted uranium causing permanent damage to the populations affected.

“We are the largest users of oil in the world and we need more countries to invade. We recently got Libya, which is the eighth largest oil producer in the world with an estimated 47 billion barrels, and that should last us until 2013. That’s why Iran is next on our list. Ultimately, we would like to get Saudi Arabia, but we sold them lots of our weapons so we’ll have to wait until those are out of date,” Mr Hick said.

Thanks to the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan, the world is a lot more dangerous, with increasing terrorism, economic inequality, starvation and instability.