BASILDON – England – There was mayhem yesterday when a charity celebrity Tesco superstore opening ceremony descended into chaos.
“We were in the fruit and veg section when it kicked off. First Dirty Danny, the big old gay rugger player centre forward jumped into the scrum, then the cross dressing cagefighter jumped in, they were fuckin’ shredding the lettuce. It was wicked mate!” Dan Gowers, another minor celebrity told the Mirror.
The opening ceremony event was meant to be the main feature for the new Tesco superstore, the seventeenth Tesco store in the Basildon town centre.
“One of the Welsh Rugby players went up to the mic, he then got his hankie out and started sobbing about his lost childhood, he described the emotional poignant moments that affected him so, it was really touching seeing this big hulking chap with a hundred England caps admitting his shame, there wasn’t a dry eye in the house,” Mary Branjelina, told the Sun newspaper.
Store security guards were then called in to try and breakup the fracas but were unsuccessful much to the chagrin of the store’s managers.
“It was like watching a camp version of Punch and Judy. All in all a highly enjoyable experience, much more entertaining than watching the Rugby league four nations tournament,” Harry Seaford, 58, a local resident told the Basildon Post.