New Tesco Value Jobseeker's Allowance is Bestseller

CHESHUNT - England - The Tesco Value Brand has a new product that is flying off the shelves, especially for unemployed Britons all over the country.

“This is a great new product in the famous Tesco Value range, that everyone seems to love so much. All you have to do is go to an aisle, pick up a broom and start sweeping the floors for 12 hours straight with no f*cking pay or break. We then tell you to go and clean the toilets, and collect 300 odd trolleys from the car park before you are allowed to go home. Don’t forget to come in the next day and complete the whole process all over again,” a senior manager at Tesco’s head office in Cheshunt told the Daily Mail.

The new Tesco Value Jobseeker’s Allowance is getting Britain moving again according to a government initiative at the Department of Work and Pensions and Tesco superstores.

“We are seeking to engender a work ethic amongst the people of Britain by making them work long hours with no pay and no hope of ever getting a promotion. This is the future for Britain’s unemployed people, who have no hope of ever getting employed to do a paid job. Remember this you idle little shits, you have to work without pay to keep your Job Seekers Allowance, and just think, every time you put a tin can of processed crap onto our shelves, you are enriching our shareholders and board of directors, never f*cking forget that. Every little helps, and slave labour helps a lot,” Tony Mucker, Chief executive of Tesco told BBC reporters before getting into his Maserati, chuckling like a hyena, and speeding out of the Tesco head office’s car park.

  • Titian

    The paradigm for 'Workfare' schemes were layabouts, unemployed for 15 years since leaving school with no intention of ever seeking work – hence the emphasis on the buzz phrase 'work ethic' in Tesco press releases, and being used in every Lib/Con media interview – as if they've been issued with a list of magic phrases to use. The problem is that since Mr. Smith actually wrote his plans (during his 'career break' after being dismissed as leader of the Conservative Party), the vast and overwhelming bulk of those currently unemployed , have worked since leaving school for 20 years or more, and/or are highly educated graduates who have worked their way through university. Most have higher qualifications than Mr.Smith – who lied on his CV (according to the BBC), and claimed he had a degree himself (it is only a 6 week language diploma from Perugia!).
    As a consequence of the solution no longer fitting the problem, all this 'kleine shitler' of a man as he's been called, has achieved, is ensuring the Conservative Party lose at the next election – oh, and some 15 people their lives (these being benefit-cut related suicides listed in the Talk section of the Wikipedia entry for 'ian duncan smith'.
    Oddly, someone with a houses of parliament IP address keeps cutting the latter section out of his Wiki entry….do keep restoring it if you've time.

  • Burp

    Yep, no matter how you try to reframe it or see it another way, it's still the workhouses from the Victorian era. Every little helps (Tesco and the Tories).