Comrade Smith: "My Job Is Done Here"

Comrade Jacqui Smith walks the corridors of the Politburo for the last time before her honourable discharge from service.

LONDON – England – Comrade Jacqui Smith, who has been instrumental in bringing Britain into the new era of surveillance and Stasi control, is to leave her post after completing her unholy task.

Comrade Gordon Brown, supreme unelected leader of the Soviet British people, was on hand today at the Westminster Duma to congratulate Comrade Jacqui Smith for a job well done:

“You could walk down a street in Britain once upon a time and not see a camera watching you; or a surveillance microphone listening to your conversation; or be arrested for not having your papers with you. You could once talk on the telephone and not be monitored; or not have your letters read by men in dark rooms. You could purchase goods in shops once upon a time without your spending habits being monitored and sold to unscrupulous companies and Stasi offshoot agencies.

“Thanks to Comrade Jacqui Smith, who has made the lives of ordinary proles in Britain a living surveillance hell, those days of petty freedom are gone forever. Every person in Britain is now monitored at all times irrespective of what they do. It is thanks to Comrade Smith that we have achieved our dream of the ultimate society of watchers and snitches; of cameras and of monitoring of every citizen from birth to death. Every citizen within the United Soviet State of Britain is now a terrorist and a potential threat to the state thanks to Jacqui Smith’s hard work.

“It was only last week when a brave member of the Stasi youth in sector 14 not only reported their father for thoughtcrime, but also their mother, brother and even the dog. This is our future generation of Stasi leaders and officers. He was only nine years old and he did not hesitate in reporting these traitors to the state. Comrades, these are the type of brave, courageous, resolute and dutiful party members we should strive to create. Our brainwashing programs are being stepped up daily thanks to Comrade Smith again. Her work in this matter is exemplary and must be honoured with the highest honours of the Soviet state.

“For comrade Smith’s stalwart work and blind obedience to her master, me, she will be honoured with a dacha in Southwold near my place. She will also be honoured, as befits her true Bolshevik spirit, with a case of Vodka brewed in a Warrington dungeon somewhere. We all drink to Comrade Smith!”

*Rapturous applause from all Labour party members assembled in the Red chamber within the Westminster Duma*

Comrade Jacqui Smith will also be honoured with a parade through Red Trafalgar Square tomorrow at 12 noon BST (British Soviet Time). All proles within the sector must attend or you will be detained for 42 years in an eco-gulag somewhere in (sector 101) Northern Britain.

All proles must remember that the total surveillance regime is for your own safety — from yourselves.