As people all across England have come together in shared condemnation of Baby P’s killers, so too have another group of people: scholars at Oxford University.
Alfred Funkhauser, more affectionately known as Alfie to his friends, has started a discussion group with fellow scholars at Oxford. They meet twice a week to discuss which theoretical Circle of Hell Baby P’s killers will wind up in when they finally meet their sticky ends.
Alfred tells The Daily Squib, “The discussions have been more complex than most people would think as the killers have all committed so many sins that it’s difficult to say which Circle of Hell they would wind up in first. But we have all agreed so far that Tr*cey Co**elly and St*ven B*rker would almost certainly be rushed straight down to Circle 9 if they were to die today.”
When The Daily Squib contacted Father Guido Anselmi at The Vatican to ask him his feelings about this scholarly group he replied that: “It’s certainly an interesting topic of debate, although I’m not quite sure that Dante would have anyone descending to Circle 9 quite so rapidly without a fair amount of pain from the previous 8 Circles of Hell first.”
“Father Anselmi does have a point,” said Alfred Funkhauser.
“For instance, it’s well known that cowards and unrepentant non-believers generally descend to Circle 1 first where there is a suitable amount of teeth gnashing going on. Tr*cey Co**elly, St*ven B*rker and J*son Ow*n would all easily fit into that category.”
“One of the members of our group has the belief that St*ven B*rker is more likely to visit Circle 2 immediately as he had a fair amount of blood lust going on there with his love of torture and Nazism. Myself, however, I would be more likely to whisk Steven Barker straight down to Circle 7 where murderers, blasphemers and those who commit the mortal sins of suicide and sodomy go.
“The police reported that large scale vibrators were found belonging to St*ven B*rker right after he was arrested, so I think it’s safe to say that he would have just as interesting a time in Circle 7 as he’s going to have in prison. Then again, Steven might perversely enjoy having Harpies beating him with thorny branches of trees, so skipping Circle 7 altogether may be a good idea.”
“On the other hand, we have Baby P’s mother Tr*cey Co**elly, who wallowed in gluttony and perversion as her excessive love of food and the child pics found on her computer can attest to, so I would have her journey begin in Circle 3. Gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins, you know”
“J*son Ow*n claimed to know nothing about the abuse or the murder, yet he was recorded on CCTV trying to frantically dump Baby P’s blood-drenched clothes right after the incident. I believe it’s fair to call him a deceiver of the worst kind and send him straight to Circle 8 without looking back. Virgil called fraud a form of malice which it most certainly is, and Jason most assuredly deserves the hardcore treatment he’ll get there.”
Where Tr*cey Co**elly, St*ven B*rker and J*son Ow*n’s souls will go when they die is anybody’s guess, but Dante’s Inferno would certainly be a fitting end for them — it’s just too bad that there are no CCTV cameras at the gates of hell so we can see the looks on their faces when they read the sign that says: Abandon Every Hope, Ye Who Enter.