LONDON – England – There were gasps and moans at a recent Wikileaks leak session at the offices of the Guardian newspaper, when some startling new information was revealed.
“Apparently there are going to be five more Twilight movies released. As soon as we heard that, some people fainted, another was caught trying to slash their wrists in the bogs with a biro, and three journalists from our special Wikileaks leak room on level three tried to jump out of the windows,” the Guardian’s assistant editor, Miles Assley, reported in the Guardian.
News of the Twilight leak filtered out late in the afternoon yesterday, and already there have been four suicides in the Capital and six severe maimings.
“This Wikileaks leaking has to stop. People are being seriously injured out there from these awful peices of information being leaked. I don’t think the people can take much more of this, they’re all cracking up,” Chief Inspector, Donald Cochon, of the Metropolitan police revealed, just before jumping off Vauxhall bridge.
The government is urging everyone to be vigilant with regards to the recent leak, and are telling citizens to ignore the terrible fact that there will be more Twilight movies and saturation marketing in the near future.