“He doesn’t have fits of rage, stomp around the room threatening to press the red button or order doggy flavoured pizza like his dad. We are currently training him to get out there and start causing utter mayhem,” Jyang Wang Wong, one of the General’s in charge of the boy’s development, told Pyonyang’s state television station, Mansudae.
“We have had him reading Suetonius’ description of the Emperor Gaius Caligula, as well as reading books about Saddam Hussein, Stalin, Ahmedinnajacket, and Gordon Brown’s utterly, utterly insane autobiography. There has to be a serious element of unpredictability in any North Korean tyrant’s actions, for example, one minute he may pat someone on the head and tell them they’ve done a great job, next, he may wave his hand and order their execution. Also, remember, when you’re a North Korean leader, you must wear silly hats and funny sunglasses. If someone laughs at your hat, that’s another instant execution. The people around you will have to have nerves of f*cking steel,” General Wang Wong chuckled nervously.
Tyranny and madness are a prerequisite requirement for any North Korean leader, and everyday Kim Yong-un is being trained in insanity.
Every morning at 3am, the new leader is woken up by a man in a banana hat hitting a wok with a chop stick to the tune of the 1812 Festival Overture in E flat major, he is then led out into a courtyard where a group of Capuchin monkeys, tiptoing on wooden stilts, jump onto a 50 scale replica of a purple doubledecker bus pulled by a miniature pedigree horse. The errant tyrant is then handed a bucket full of the finest foie gras imported from an obscure Parisian delicatessen that very morning. He is then instructed to throw the foie gras at each monkey who in turn immediately ingest the foie gras and sh*t out a poo pellet, which is then collected in a golden tray by one of the menservants waiting in the sidelines.
After the morning’s training is over, the young leader is then led into a control room where there are numerous buttons all over the walls. Once in the room, he is told that the buttons all release nuclear missiles, and his job is to resist the irrisistable urge to launch them.
“While he is in the nuclear room, he is poked with a little stick by a midget. No doubt Kim will get angry, especially if he is also called names. If he does lose his rag, it’s ta ta from us and hello Armegeddon, but so far, he hasn’t cracked. That’s why you and I are still here. It’s only a matter of time though,” General Wang Wong explained.
Unfortunately for the current North Korean regime, Kim Jong-un has neglected his insanity training and prefers to not press the nuclear buttons even when provoked, he also prefers to read books about collecting Indonesian rod puppets and enjoy long walks in the palace gardens of Pyongyang, where he is kept.