17.7 C
London
Monday, July 22, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldHunter: "Pops, I Gotta Plan to Save You!"

Hunter: “Pops, I Gotta Plan to Save You!”

WASHINGTON D.C. - USA - Hunter Biden has cracked a genius plan to save his dad and rejuvenate him during the presidential debates.

After the disastrous first Presidential Debate for the 2024 election season where Joe Biden mumbled and spouted unintelligible garbled gibberish for an hour or so, his son Hunter has come to the rescue of his poppa.

Cracked a Plan to Save Pops

Writing a heartfelt letter to the White House election team, Hunter Biden has a solid plan that can not only rescue Joe from further humiliation and ridicule, but actually show his dad that he can be useful.

hunter crack“When I saw that presidential debate, I was sad to see pops with such low energy, he looked barely alive and did not have that get-up-and-go attitude he needs to continue being president. We’re concerned because the drugs his team have been pumping into him ain’t working proper. Adderall and various vitamins along with some steroids just ain’t working for pops because he still looks like a goddamn zombie and can’t even stitch a fucking sentence together right.

“Well, y’all know I do crack, so when I smoke my crack pipe I get a real hit for at least 4 minutes. Like I have so much energy, I could punch holes through walls, run twenty marathons and fuck 50 Russian whores all at the same time. This is the cure for my pops, we’re gonna give him my crack pipe and dose him up every 4 minutes so he can have his energy back.”

Bzzzt!

Hunter’s plan involves having someone with a crack pipe ready and fired up underneath the podium during the CNN presidential debates. Every four minutes, a small electric shock will travel through a wire to Joe Biden’s testicles to alert him that it is time for another toke on the crack pipe. He will then do a fake sneeze and bend down to get his handkerchief, which will instead be Hunter’s fully loaded, fired up crack pipe.

Hunter also smokes meth (Methamphetamine), but he says that the high is not as controlled as crack cocaine.

“We could give pops meth as well, but I have to tell you it does get a little uncontrollable. The meth I smoke is so strong it comes straight from a lab in Mexico, right on the border. Thanks to my dad’s immigration policy, the supply is endless. I think for safety’s sake we should stick to crack. I’m gonna speak with the Democrat election campaign head tomorrow so we can finalise the plan.”

Another option that was discussed was to ‘booty bump’, shove a few large crack rocks up Joe’s butt hole, but he is incontinent and poops on himself constantly, so this would not work.

Looking forward to the next presidential debate.

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"

1 COMMENT

- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!