17.7 C
London
Monday, July 22, 2024
secret satire society
HomeWorldComrade Starmer Announces Increase of 5 Grams of Chocolate Rations

Comrade Starmer Announces Increase of 5 Grams of Chocolate Rations

SCUNTHORPE - England - Comrade Starmer has pronounced an increase of 5 grams of chocolate rations when Labour wins the election.

The joyless puritanical reign of Comrade Starmer and his Stasi Labour regime is almost upon us. Let us pray at the altar of puritan hardship in Britain, where heavy bureaucracy and red tape will rule over every facet of your useless meaningless fucking life. The Labour Nanny State and its daily diktats will make your lives truly unliveable, so much so that when Labour introduces voluntary euthanasia, the queues will snake around the block. Enjoy your 5 gram increase in chocolate rations.

Order 41842-D-43 Increase of Chocolate Rations by 5 Grams

As a taster of what is to come, on Monday, Comrade Starmer pledged a 5 gram increase in chocolate rations for every citizen.

“Comrades, workers, commissars, kulaks, Bolshevik guardians of the state. As your incoming supreme soviet comrade in arms, I pledge that under the Labour government we will introduce a 5 gram increase in chocolate rations for each citizen.

“As supreme comrade of the joyless woke humourless puritan Labour communist soviet state, I want to introduce the life you will live under our totalitarian regime of misery of equality in poverty for all.

Regulations

“We will bring in insane regulations and rules that will rule over every facet of your useless fucking lives. Thank you for voting for Labour, you pathetic moronic cunts. We will now take over the reins of complete control over your lives with the Labour Nanny State.

“I will now outline a few of the diktats the joyless woke puritan Labour agenda will espouse and that you as a Labour voter can look forward to. Diktat order: 497732-A4 will criminalise the usage of any vehicle that is fuelled by petrol. Diktat order:734409-344H will criminalise anyone holding an opinion and voicing an opinion they have individually determined. Diktat order:839900-L6743 All humour, joy and jokes will be criminalised. Diktat order:1752290-A6 All private property ownership will be collectively distributed to the state. Diktat order:0371194-9J6 No singing in the shower or bath will be permitted.

“As you can see, you will have a lot to look forward to under the puritan joyless, miserable rule of my soviet Labour government. After the first ten years of Labour rule, you will look upon the incompetent years of the past Tory scum government with some form of nostalgia. Don’t worry, Diktat order:7834472-XU will make it a criminal act to think back to the past in a nostalgic fashion.

“I recall my father and his toolbox in the garden shed. He made every tool himself out of match sticks and was a very self-sufficient man who dedicated his life to tool making (audience member laughs). Who just laughed? Take him away. You over there, you will be sent to a Labour re-education Gulag in Salford. There will be no chocolate rations for you.” (a man is brutally manhandled, injected with a sedative from a large needle, and escorted out of the BBC studio by the scruff of his neck)

  Daily Squib Book

  DAILY SQUIB BOOK The Perfect Gift or can also be used as a doorstop. Grab a piece of internet political satire history encapsulating 15 years of satirical works. The Daily Squib Anthology REVIEWS: "The author sweats satire from every pore" | "Overall, I was surprised at the wit and inventedness of the Daily Squib Compendium. It's funny, laugh out loud funny" | "Would definitely recommend 10/10" | "This anthology serves up the choicest cuts from a 15-year reign at the top table of Internet lampoonery" | "Every time I pick it up I see something different which is a rarity in any book"
- Advertisment -

NEWS ON THE HOUR

curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press
curtis-press

MORE NEWS

THE DAILY SQUIB ANTHOLOGY

The definitive book of Juvenalian satire and uncanny prophesies that somehow came true. This is an anthology encompassing 15 years of Squib satire on the internet compiled and compressed into one tiddly book. Buy the Book Now!