prince andrew innocent

New photographic evidence dredged up from somewhere or other corroborates the story that the Duke of York has “categorically” denied having any sexual contact with an American woman, who says she was forced to have sex with him aged 17.

Answering questions about his links to convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein in a BBC interview, Prince Andrew said the alleged incidents “never happened”.

Virginia Roberts, one of Epstein’s concubines, claimed she was forced to do the dirty with the prince three times. The new photograph reveals that the prince was nowhere near that woman, and instead, a lying imposter had in fact taken his place.

“This new picture is proof that the prince is innocent. He did not lie during the Newsnight interview about never meeting the young woman. Does that face look like prince Andrew? Look at his nose for god’s sake, it seems to be growing by the inch! No! Prince Andrew would never lie to protect himself after sleeping with dozens of young women procured for his pleasure all those years ago. Absolute tosh!” a close friend of prince Andrew, Alfred Pinocchio revealed in the Daily Mail yesterday.

It’s a good thing Epstein is not alive today.

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Honourable

Copyright © Anna Nolan, 2019

Cripes, what an imponderable
That one oh-so honourable
Should be subject of such panning;
This is not what one’d been planning.

One is simply flabbergasted
To have been put down, lambasted;
Where’s the nation’s gratitude
For one’s famous aptitude?

You must feel, deep down within:
One can’t stay at Premier Inn –
A mansion is what one does need
(One must be mindful of one’s breed).

It may be full of household staff,
But one would never make a gaffe
Of giving them a fleeting glance;
They were all naked? Quite by chance!

Maybe Jeff was “unbecoming”,
But one never saw it coming;
To one, he was just a chum,
And one never has been dumb,

Neither has one been a drip,
Always showing leadership:
One is, clearly, quite aware
How to ditch a billionaire.

One’s weekends are spent a-shooting,
Why should this now need refuting?
And one’s vivid recollection
Is of showing no affection.

Woking does a decent pizza,

But it’s not exactly Ritz – a?
And so one remembers well
All the details – can’t you tell?

One had let one’s side, um, down,
But they really went to town –
British media (damn the lot):
They are like a juggernaut.

It’s a most horrific whammy,
But a ride with one’s own mammy
Might just soften them a tad,
After all, one’s not a cad:

Au contraire: one’s virtue – pure;
And to think one must endure
Such appalling balderdash
And give up a birthday bash!

How did it all go so awry?
One has to face the FBI;
It is as bad as it can get,
And one can’t even break a sweat!

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