Scots Could Lose English Benefits Bonanza if Gain Independence

GLASGOW - Scotland - Millions of Scots will probably lose their benefits from England if the country gains independence, fearful Scots have warned.

“There’s a stoatin fear in th’ streets an’ pubs aw ower scootlund. When we gain independence we wulnae be able tae leech aff th’ sassenach taxpayers an’ micht hae tae fin’ a job,” Angus McShanker, an unemployed Glaswegian, told the Glasgow Times from his home, the Scragnit pub.

Some Scots are now hoarding their booze and heroin stashes, because once the English benefit bonanza ends, they will be up shit creek without a haggis.

The end of the 300-year-old union with England would be a major blow for about 87% of Scottish people who are unemployed and have never worked a day in their life living off benefits from the English Treasury.

“I’ve ne’er worked a day in mah life an’ ah gie £1,500 a week in benefits nae includin’ mah hoosin’ benefit, cooncil tax benefit an’ free methadain, cheb implants frae th’ NHS. Whit th’ feck am ah gonnae dae withit ‘at? Aam illiterate, lazy an’ reek loch booze aw th’ time. Alex Salmond, ye Shrek lookalike, gonnae-no feckin’ wi’ mah benefits frae Englain,” Sharon McNapper, 24, an unemployed woman from Aberdeen, with thirteen children, told the Scotsman newspaper.

  • colmark

    danny, in the United States (with our own unemployment problems) we would call your 87% vs. 62.5% unemployment statistics correction a distinction without a difference.

  • twoberrie

    the difference between racoon city from resident evil´╗┐ and scotland is they speak english in racoon city. hahah

  • Scot through and through

    Aye I'm Scottish and what I see now I'm not proud of. Scotland used to be a great nation of industrialists, a great nation of entrepreneurs who set out round the world and stamped their authority.
    That's no longer the case…it's sad to see what happened. I know this is satire but it's spot on we lost our way and were dependednt on the Southern England economy to pay for the spongers neds and crack heads. I have to say though, getting independence may do Scotland good. We'll have to face up to the mess we're in sooner then later.

  • Danny

    the world's finest news source ? really more like the world's bulls**t news source

    87% of scots are unemployed , I think you should look at the facts 62.5% of scots are unemployed. Scotland contributes more in revenue than it receives in the block grant. The video you show is from the BBC called The Scheme , it represents people who have never worked in their life granted but you could find people all across England in the same situation.