Scots Could Lose English Benefits Bonanza if Gain Independence

GLASGOW - Scotland - Millions of Scots will probably lose their benefits from England if the country gains independence, fearful Scots have warned.

“There’s a stoatin fear in th’ streets an’ pubs aw ower scootlund. When we gain independence we wulnae be able tae leech aff th’ sassenach taxpayers an’ micht hae tae fin’ a job,” Angus McShanker, an unemployed Glaswegian, told the Glasgow Times from his home, the Scragnit pub.

Some Scots are now hoarding their booze and heroin stashes, because once the English benefit bonanza ends, they will be up shit creek without a haggis.

The end of the 300-year-old union with England would be a major blow for about 87% of Scottish people who are unemployed and have never worked a day in their life living off benefits from the English Treasury.

“I’ve ne’er worked a day in mah life an’ ah gie £1,500 a week in benefits nae includin’ mah hoosin’ benefit, cooncil tax benefit an’ free methadain, cheb implants frae th’ NHS. Whit th’ feck am ah gonnae dae withit ‘at? Aam illiterate, lazy an’ reek loch booze aw th’ time. Alex Salmond, ye Shrek lookalike, gonnae-no feckin’ wi’ mah benefits frae Englain,” Sharon McNapper, 24, an unemployed woman from Aberdeen, with thirteen children, told the Scotsman newspaper.