Visiting the medieval cathedral city of Salisbury situated in the southern English county of Wiltshire can leave you positively paralysed with awe at the magnificent history behind this great place.

The city lies only 9 miles away from Stonehenge, the prehistoric stone circle on the grassland of Salisbury Plain.

You won’t be able to move away after your visit and will stay in that spot for a very long, long time.

We have compiled a list of five wondrous landmarks to visit on your trip to Salisbury.

  1. NoviChok Forest – If you love acres and acres of trees then you will not love this place. Most of the trees within the forest are now dead or diseased from some type of mysterious chemical compound. There are still a few trees standing so when you bring your picnic gear be prepared for involuntary nervous twitches just before succumbing to complete paralysis and entering into a coma.
  2.  ChokNovi Cathedral – This magnificent 13th Century cathedral also holds the Magna Carta, which has now been re-written in Russian. Sit on a pue, and listen to the Bishop bash away some inane outdated mythical nonsense whilst you are paralysed in your seat, unable to even move your fucking eyes. When it is time to pray, simply slump forward in a coma. Not unlike any other church experience we hear you say, however this one is vastly different, you rarely wake up…ever again.
  3. The NoviFish ChokShop – Situated on the High Street down a dark alley, to get there you must step over many comatose bodies. These poor souls tried to get to the fish shop for a bit of cod and chips, but sadly never made it. You probably won’t either as you feel your muscles seize up after a few steps.
  4. Putin’s Laughing Pub – For a real taste of Salisbury, this pub is full of Russians, most certainly FSB agents who spend their days laughing at the British secret service for such a poor job catching them. Curiously enough, it is the safest place now in Salisbury as there is no nerve agent present. Why would the Russians want to infect themselves? No non-Russians allowed.
  5. NoviPizza Chok Restaurant – What better place to put your feet up and relax after a hard day’s sightseeing than this excellent pizzeria. The only problem is, before your dish is served up, your throat will suddenly feel tight as the paralysis sets in and you will spend the rest of the evening staring at your food, frothing and dribbling from the mouth whilst smelling the delicious aroma, but without the ability to fucking eat it. Aaargh!